WONDERINGS.....

I am wondering......

wondering why being the mommy bear always has to be so darn hard.....

wondering which decision I made in my life lead me down this road that always seems to go uphill......

wondering where it is written in the rule book that every boss I have MUST treat me unfairly and make me feel worthless...

wondering why I can't open that door that will enable my gremlins' mouths AND brains to work at the same time...

wondering what will happen to a gremlin with severe ADHD when he is too old for his mommy bear to protect him from his own short sightedness and bad choices....

wondering how that same mommy bear can forgive herself for making bad choices that are still coming back to bite her in the ass almost 20 years later....

wondering why only HINDsight can be 20/20.....

As always, to be continued...............

WORDLESS WEDNESDAY

I will be back tomorrow with some words...I hope!!!

As always, to be continued............

SOS: THE END OF MAX

Hi all and welcome to another week of Soap Opera Sunday. Make sure ya stop by to see brillig and Kate for a list of other SOS players...and feel free to join in the fun...it really is a blast..for the entire max saga here is part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4

When we left off last week, I mentioned what a painful time in my life "Max" was...and that it was an important (and very hard) life lesson... my original plan was just to leave it at that and move on...because like every good soap opera, it was a time full of turmoil and angst . When I read back over it again, I thought maybe I should share what became of T and dear old Max. I went back and forth all week...should I let it rest or should I beat it (like a dead horse)?? I guess I was never one for just leaving things unresolved so here it goes....

Max and T stayed together for about a year or so (it is hard to remember exactly how long because it was more than 25 yrs ago and I am an old fart now..lol). They seemed to be very much in love although I never confirmed that with them directly because I knew the answer would be like a dagger slicing through my heart.

That year was a "ying and yang" of loneliness and anger...lonely because most of my time was spent with no one to talk to or spent time with ....all alone in my room...walking by the river all alone...going to the movies all alone(anyone seeing a pattern here??) When I wasn't alone, I was usually with Max and T which of course was even worse. They didn't TRY to be mean, but watching them together just made me feel even lonelier...even after I accepted their relationship, I was still so sad and lonely ALL the time.

I remember the day that I got a call from Pam. I was shocked because we hadn't really spoken since Max had dumped her for T. Pam wanted to know if I could come over to her house because she needed to talk to me but HAD to do it in person. I was so happy to have someone call and say they wanted to spend time with me I rushed over. It didn't take Pam long to get to the point.

She was outside her house waiting for me with 2 other girls that she KNEW I didn't like. Pam spilled her guts as quickly and harshly as possible. It seems the night before she had been at a party. T wasn't there because our parents hadn't allowed her to go for some reason and I hadn't been invited. Pam could not WAIT to tell me how Max had invited her to go with him since T couldn't go...and apparently they had spent the entire party making out. Pam went on to explain that Max was going to break up with T and start dating her again.

My mind was spinning and I left without even saying a word to Pam. In an instant, my protective "twin" mode kicked in and I knew I had to get to T...I had to warn her and let her know what Pam had told me......no matter how much she had hurt me, I had to protect her and try to stop Max from hurting her...

When I got home, Max had just dropped T off. As I approached her, I realized I had NO idea how I was going to tell her what Pam had told me. As I stood there trying to figure out how to drop the "Pam bomb", the phone rang and fate took the decision out of my hands. It was Pam on the phone. She had called to bury the knife in T's heart. Apparently, she didn't have the guts to tell her to her face although she had NO problem rubbing MY face in it.

T hung up and was in tears. I wanted to console her...to hold her and comfort her but she ran to her room and slammed her door. As angry as I had been when they got together, I was even madder at Max now. I wanted to rip him apart for hurting her so. Max called later but I don't know what he said to T to explain it away. I remember T saying that it was all going to be ok, that Pam was just lying. T seemed to be greatly relieved, but I wasn't so sure. Maybe it was because I had seen the determined, almost sinister look in Pam's eyes when she told me her story...I just wasn't convinced.

Things settled down and seemed to go smoothly for T and Max until about a week later. Max had been invited to go to a party at a friend's house and once again T wasn't allowed to attend (quick reminder that we were only about 15 at the time and our parents were pretty strict). T really wanted to see Max so she asked me to be her cover to get out of the house. We got permission to go to the movies together and of course made a beeline for the party instead.

I didn't want to go to the party...I knew no one would want me there but I had no where else to go. I tagged along thinking I would hide in a corner somewhere and drag T out when I couldn't take it anymore. No one seemed to notice us when we got there and T took off to surprise Max. She was only gone a few minutes, when I heard her yell out. As I made my way to where she was, she was crying and Max was on a couch trying to untangle himself from some chick that I didn't even know. The show was over by the time I got there but even I, being the nieve virgin I was, had a pretty good idea what had been going on.

T took off in tears and I followed her. I wanted to take her pain away but T closed herself off. She wouldn't talk about what happened and wouldn't let me comfort her. I found out in bits and pieces later on(from others) that Max had been 2-timing her for months and that night and the one with Pam were just two nights of a fairly long list .

So, as they say, that was that!! T broke up with Max and eventually moved on. Max being the slim ball he was moved on too...and on and on....

When I was living through all this, I was convinced that I would never feel that bad again...that nothing could hurt that much. Looking back now...I see that it was much more about losing T than NOT having Max. Twins all have to learn to go their own way....but I was forced to learn it at a time in my life where I was already fighting for survival...living in a home where abuse (verbal, physical and sexual) were a daily occurance. When T left me in the dust, it was so hard. I needed her and she wasn't there. When we were young, we survived by sticking together. Suddenly she was gone, but I was still there having to deal with it all.

With maturity , I was able to understand and accept this...but the truth is, I never completely forgave her...and our relationship was never the same. I always loved her...and I always will..but I never was able to trust her in the same way . We are not close now like we used to be... I miss her daily but can't allow myself to be hurt by her anymore...(don't worry the rift has nothing to do with the Max saga, but that is another post)

I am not sure if any of this makes sense ...but I thank you all for tuning in..y'all come back now ya hear...

And so ends the tale of Max....RIP ya big jerk....lol

As always, to be continued..................

Hope you are all having a great weekend. I have some cool pics I wanted to post and stupid blogger won't let me...also it won't let me comment on anybody's blog...

Could someone give blogger a kick in the ass for me??? Please?? On that note, I am gonna run away to the bed...

Take care ev1 and hopefully blogger will be nicer to me tomorrow...lol.


As always, to be continued(when blogger isn't being a shithead..lol)..................

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GREMLIN # 2

Sorry about the interruption of Survivor Friday...but for me, the following post was more important... I will, however say that last night's show was interesting.....I think when they did the switch, they screwed over the people that had to go to a new tribe...and I was hoping Sherea would be gone..oh well, guess that's what next week is for...lol.

Today is my baby gremlin's birthday and he is 13. I have been quiet this week on my blog because honestly, his birthday has been bothering me. It isn't just that he is now a teenager, although that alone is enough to give me nightmares...lol.

What bothers me is I feel like somehow today is a threshold...that he will step over that barrier ...out into the world and I won't be able to protect him anymore...

OK OK I admit that sounds melodramatic...but it is honestly how I am feeling....

Gremlin #2 has never been an easy child. He was an exercise in patience from that very first day when he REFUSED to join us in the real world (they finally gave up after 24 hrs of labour and did a C-section).

He didn't want to learn how to crawl...he was stubborn about learning how to walk and he absolutely REFUSED to use the potty like a big boy...so much so that he missed his first year of preschool.. He has severe ADHD and school has been one battle after the next...there has never been anything easy about it...

But through it all...he has been my baby...as much as he has made me want to strangle him daily, I have ALWAYS been his protector...no one has been allowed to hurt my gremlins..so it is a hard lesson to learn...how to let go...let them fall and pick themselves up...

Of course, every parent has this fear but gremlin #2 has had so much stacked against him...a loser father that has hurt him time and time again....struggling and clawing just to learn how to read and being reminded by the school that he will never be good enough...honestly, sometimes I don't know how he gets out of bed in the morning...oh wait, yeah I do...I kick his ass outta bed..lol.

So today I sit here looking back at the last 13 years and looking ahead...and both make me feel happy and sad in equal measure. Sad because he isn't my baby anymore...he has a long hard road ahead of him if he is to have what others take for granted...the ability to find a job and take care of himself as an adult (I worry often about what will happen when I am not here to take care of him). At the same time, I am happy today...happy that we have survived 13 years (thanks to some great meds...hee hee)...and happy that I was given this gremlin to love and watch over...

TO MY DEAR GREMLIN: you are my son and you always will be...God gave you to me because He knew that I needed you to make my heart complete. I will remind you now of the words that I have told you since you were a little baby...no matter what happens I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER!!! My love for you has no limitations , no boundaries and nothing will ever change that. Even when you are grown, you will always be my baby gremlin.....love, Mommy

As always, to be continued............

WORDLESS WEDNESDAY

My brain is quite simply mush today...so I decided today was a good day to join in WORDLESS WEDNESDAY....


MY RIVER AT SUNSET.........







As always, to be continued........

Today has not been a great day for me...I won't prattle on about it...instead I will chalk it up to a combination of being exhausted and it being a Monday....instead of boring y'all with the details I decided to share a couple of jokes that I have saved for just such a day...hope they make you giggle !!!



THE BEST LAWYER STORY SO FAR THIS YEAR:

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high!



Gas Company:

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

Hope you all have an awesome week!!

As always, to be continued...............

SOS - MAX SUCKS!!!

Hi all and welcome to another edition of Soap Opera Sunday. Stop by and see brillig for the rules if you want to join in....she and Kate are the great masterminds, but Kate is MIA this week (due to a move.... you are missed Kate so hurry back).

If you missed the beginng of this story, here is part 1...part 2..and part 3.

When last we spoke, I had just found out that Max and T were now an item. Of course this would be a painful experience for any young girl that had just had her heart ripped out of her chest....but remember that T was my fraternal twin sister...talk about a double whammy.

I couldn't decide who I was madder at... T for stealing Max or me for letting myself believe I had a chance with him in the first place. As was so often the case in my life, this just reinforced how I had always felt about myself...a fat loser that was destined to be alone forever ( feelings that would lead me down the wrong road as an adult, but that is an entirely different post).

The coming days and weeks were hard ones...as Max and T became closer, I became more and more miserable. At the time, my immature mind believed it was all about Max....that I loved him..that my life would never be the same now that I had lost him... but looking back now I realize it was more about the fact that I was loosing T(and I can now admit to myself that Max had never BEEN mine to lose in the first place) . We were twins and to that point we had been inseparable...we did everything together and spent ALL our time together. Suddenly, she had no time for me and I was all alone. I didn't have any friends of my own so I was left to fend for myself with no one to comfort me . I was adrift and felt completely lost and T didn't even seem to notice...if she did, there was no indication that she cared.

Finally after a few weeks of suffering in silence, I completely lost it and yelled at T. It was like a dam burst and everything came flying out...honestly I was so distraught and frustrated that I don't even remember what I told her..except for one thing...the last thing I told her was that I didn't know how she could sleep at night...she was in the room right next to me and I KNOW she has heard me cry myself to sleep more than once...and she never came to see if I was ok...

I hoped that someday I could forgive that but I knew I would NEVER forget how much that hurt me....

Something I said must have hit a nerve, because the next day T and Max asked me to go with them for a swim...I remember the day clearly because of my immediate fear of Max seeing me in a swimming suit. I lied and said that I had my period so I couldn't swim...but T convinced me to come along and spend the afternoon with them.

Why does the term "out of the frying pan ...into the fire" come to mind??? Possibly because I went from being all alone with no one...to spending most of my days being a 3rd wheel..watching Max and T together (and they were NOT shy about forgetting I was there and sucking face infront of me).

This lasted for a few weeks before I realized I could take no more of this....it was , in a word, torture. I started to make excuses about plans I had made, mostly with imaginary friends...or I would just be gone when Max showed up and they would leave without me, not really giving me a second thought.

Finally they seemed to decide that they liked NOT having a 3rd wheel around...and went back to ignoring me...and I went back to suffering in lonely silence.

Max and T stayed together for quite a long time...and eventually I adjusted.... I was still lonely and missed the time I had spent with T growing up...but like everything else in my life, I gritted through and survived.

This whole story was a painful chapter in my life...that occurred at a time in my life that was already filled with turmoil and pain....

As with most things that have happened to me, I try to look back and think of what life lesson I got from it....from this, I learned that I could stand on my own...that I could get through without having to lean on T...and that being lonely isn't the worst thing in the world. These lessons have served me well in my life..... thanks for tuning in and taking the time to read my life stories.

As always, to be continued......................

WEEK OF MOMMA BEAR

In our house, this past week has officially been dubbed "the week of Momma Bear" and I am completely exhausted from doing battle....

I am the first to admit that I have failed my dear gremlins as they grew up....I yelled WAY too much and as a single mom, I had ZERO patience...I have many regrets and have shared that fact with the gremlins....but in my defense I have also told they every single day of their lives that no matter what happens, I love them unconditionally and that will NEVER change!!!

All that being said, one thing I can say is that when one 0f my gremlins does something wrong I am FIRST in line to bust their ass ....but when someone else messes with MY gremlins unfairly, my momma bear instincts kick in and I do become a force to be reckoned with....one such instance that is the first to come to mind was when a litte farthead that loved to terrorize the neighbourhood kids decided to take my gremlins shoes and throw them into a fast moving creek (so no one could retrieve them)....I grabbed the little bastard's arm, dragged him over to his house and stood there as he explained to his Mom what he had just done...then told Mom that if she didn't have the money to replace them by Friday I WOULD be calling the police and letting them deal with it (this part was a bluff but she didn't want to take the chance...lol).

This week provided me with an opportunity to take my "momma bear" out for a spin. It all started on Tuesday when gremlin #2 came home from school. About a week ago, his music teacher told him that he needed to buy his own drumsticks. I knew that it would take us awhile to find the money for this purchase so I told him to explain that we couldn't afford them but would get them as soon as we could. My thinking was that we would get them for his birthday (which is the 19th of this month). Anyway, on Tuesday when he didn't have them for class the teacher made him write an apology and told him if he didn't get them for the next class he would have a week's detention.

My dear gremlin was quite upset when he was telling me what happened. When I asked him why he didn't explain to the teacher, he told me that he tried and she told him to be quiet because she didn't want any excuses. Well of course I saw red...I told him not to worry that I WOULD take care of it and there would be NO detention!!! I opted to go over the teacher's head to the principal. After 2 calls where I left messages, it became apparent the school was not interested in listening ...and I was getting madder by the minute. My next step was to call the school again and leave a message that if they didn't return my call within the hour I WAS going to do the following : 1) come to school and be very vocal as I collected my son to bring him home with me. then 2) start calling the school board and press. I reminded them that I was sure the press would love to listen to how a teacher verbally abused my learning disabled gremlin simply because we couldn't afford drumsticks. A fact that was completely beyond his control!!!

Well shock of shocks about 30 minutes later the vice principal called me back. I managed to keep myself under control and explain what had happened. I told him that I would NOT tolerate this kind of behaviour and that the teacher owed my son an apology. I reminded him that I was willing to go over his head to the school board if this situation was not resolved immediately. For that teacher to punish him when he had done NOTHING wrong, well that is just not cool and I was NOT going to let it slide.

I am actually very proud of myself...I wanted to scream...I wanted to use every dirty word in my vocabulary...but I kept my cool while telling him I would NOT accept this behaviour!! He told me he would look into it and get back to me...my last comment was that if there was any kind of retribution sent my son's way, I would find out and they would not like me.

I had barely hung up the phone when it rang again. This time it was gremlin #1 calling from the high school . She was crying because she had forgotten a sheet at home that I needed to sign. Her teacher was mad that she had forgotten it and had given her detention. All I could say is fuckkkkkkk I don't think so!!! I told her to calm down and go back to class. I reassured her that I would deal with it and there would NOT be a detention over something so stupid. Normally, I would have reminded her that it was her fault for being so absent-minded, but after the encounter with the other school I was still in "momma bear" mode. I got even angrier as I found the sheet in question, and it clearly said the dumb thing wasn't even due until Wednesday (remember this all happened on Tuesday).

I went to the high school and stormed in, ready to shoot first and accept apologies later. I marched in to the office, explained my daughter's call home THEN sh0wed them that the stupid sheet wasn't even due until the next day. I didn't even give them a chance to say anything, I just told them to pass this along to the teacher and let him know that my daughter will NOT be attending detention. As I left, I told them the teacher was free to call me at home so I could point out to him directly what an ass he had been...lol.

Weary and needing to calm down, I went home. As I walked in the door, the phone was ringing and I almost didn't answer for fear of what was next. Who do you think it was but the infamous music teacher. She called to tell me I had just misunderstood what gremlin #2 had told me. Big mistake stupid, stupid teacher...first she mistreats my gremlin THEN makes him sound like a liar...not her best move. I shut her down right away ...told her that I believe and back up my gremlin 100% and this was NOT going to happen again. She quickly changed her tune when she realized that she had awoken my inner beast and I was ready to rip her to shreds...

After a morning of protecting my "cubs" I was exhausted and ready to go in for the kill....but the end results were good...gremlin #1 did NOT serve her detention and didn't get in trouble (since the error was the teachers not hers)....gremlin #2 also did not have to serve detention...also the music teacher and I worked out a compromise that allows him to work on the computer with a new music program that I think he will really enjoy!!

This is not the first time I have had take my claws out and take on the school...and unfortunately, I am sure it won't be the last....but I think it is all summed up in one thing I told the vice principal....these are my gremlins....I will bust them everytime they do something wrong and will bust them again for making me bust them...but I will also be the first one to have their back...to defend their honour...and to claw anyone that is stupid enough to try to hurt my babies...

MOMMA BEARS WIN EVERY TIME!!!! (hopefully the schools will figure that out some day...lmaoooooooo)

As always, to be continued............

SURVIVOR FRIDAY

UPDATE ON BURFICA : thanks all for the kind words and prayers sent to Burfica. I got word last night from gigantor that she is home and the surgery went well. I talked to her sister Alekx for a bit this morning, and fica is loving the drugs they gave her for pain..lol. Thanks again ev1.

wooooooohoooooo welcome everyone to another edition of Survivor Friday.

All I can say about last night's show is woooooooohooooo thank you yellow tribe for getting rid of that pompous jerk Dave. What a big-mouth moron. He kept shooting off his mouth and being all bossy so I don't know what else he expected to happen. I think it is actually a shame....he seemed to know what he was doing around camp, and he could have gone further in the game if he could have had better people skills.

I think that is an error that a lot of people make while playing this game.....they get in their own little Survivor "world" and forget that it IS a game...and the people that you piss off today are the SAME people that will vote your ass off tomorrow...and all I can say is duhhhhhhhhhhhh...lol.

I hope the next one to go is Jean Pierre (on the red tribe). He keeps talking about what a good poker player he is...how well he reads people...then doesn't see that almost ev1 in his tribe thinks he is a deadbeat loser...again I say duhhhhhhhhh...lol . ( I am thinking it is more than a coincidence that these are BOTH men...but I will let that one slide for the purpose of political correctness...after all it IS Friday..lmao.)

Of course we still have our dear Courtney...I told gremlin #1 last night that if she ever talked like Courtney does, I would knock her into tomorrow..whether she is 15 or 50..lmao.

One question for you all out there...... is it just me or do the challenges seem to be a bit more blahhhhhhh so far this season? It seems like everything is physical and they haven't really had to test their brains yet...maybe they don't have any??? lol. I do have to say that I thought watching the chinese family fish with pelicans last night was way cool...that was totally ingenious I think....

Thanks for stopping in again everyone...lots of Survivor left to dish about this season...

As always, to be continued.............

DANCING WITH THE STARS WEDNESDAY

Everyone that knows burfica, please take a moment to say a quick prayer for her. She is going to have her surgery on Thursday and is a bit nervous. I am sure it will make her feel much better to know we are all here praying and/or sending good wishes her way. Thanks again!!!

Okie dokie , at the request of my dear buddy Phoenix, I am here today to dish about Dancing with the Stars.

All I can say about last night's result show is that it IS about friggin time. Wayne Newton should have been gone the first week and I am thrilled that America finally got it right, and showed the "showman" the way to stage left aka the EXIT..lol.

I felt bad for his partner Cheryl though...she won season 2 with Drew Lachey...she won season 3 with Emmet Smith...then made top 4 last season with Ian Zerring.....then this season she gets stuck with the old man?? that sorta blows but guess it was her turn...lmao.

I didn't watch this show when it first started now I am TOTALLY addicted...I think it is the musician in me...I can't seem to help myself..lmao.

I am completely cheering for Jennie Garth to win it all..even though I can't see it happening. I like the "chequita banana" girl but I think she will burn out in the end. I also like that race car driver Helio...he is a cutie petutie...and his partner DID go all the way last season with Apollo.

I am looking forward to see how the season unfolds. I think that millionaire guy should be the next to get the ol' heave ho...only time will tell.

Tune in next week for more DWTS dish...

As always, to be continued..............

DEEP CONCLUSIONS

Over the last week or so, I have done a lot of thinking about this blog of mine....and I have come to two conclusions.

The first conclusion is..... I SUCK!!!

I use this blog to whine and complain when life throws me a curve ball.....I babble on and ramble about things that probably sound trivial and even stupid at times....my few lame attempts at poetry haven't exactly been a huge success...so yeah...all considered, I pretty much suck..lol.

I am a loyal blog reader and have a fairly nice list of blogs I read. A lot of these blogs have a long list of awards and shout-outs that they have received...and they are all COMPLETELY deserved....because quite frankly , you all ROCK!!!

At this point, I should also mention that I have lost a few readers I used to have because I have committed the unthinkable act of swearing on my blog...(can y'all tell my heart is bleeding over this?? hee hee hee)

OK I did say that after much soul searching and consideration, I have come to TWO conclusions...the second one is that I don't give a rat's ass about the first one...and I love this blog even if I DO suck!!!

I was originally turned on to this blogosphere by my dear friend burfica and I will always be in her debt. I have found a list of bloggers that entertain me....enlighten me and truly amaze me. I honestly think you are all fantastic...so consider this your official "flake" pat-on-the-back.....

In the end, it doesn't matter if I suck....I started this blog at burfica's urging and quickly began to love and depend on it. I had forgotten how freeing and liberating it can be to put my emotions or jumbled thoughts into words...some how it can make even the worst day bareable.

I thought about those that have decided not to stop in for a visit because they don't like my language. I started to think maybe I should censor myself to be more "popular" but then I realized that would be defeating everything I love about blogging.

In the end, this blog is for me. I admit I have used it to spread the word about a tragedy like this or this....and I have used it to ask for readers to pray like this or this...but it also serves as my best friend at a time in my life when there is no one else. Of course I have the gnome and gremlins and that is a LOT...

Sometimes a girl just needs a friend who will listen unconditionally and not judge, no matter what she says.. I am blessed to have a few such friends online...but this blog also serves that purpose and for that I am forever grateful!!!

So I will continue to float along and suck as I do it...cause I am lovin' it baby....

As always, to be continued..............

HAPPY THANKSGIVING CANADA

Hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving . Best wishes to you and yours for a wonder holiday and many more!!!

As always, to be continued....................

SOS - MEET MAX PART 3

Hi folks,

The following is another installment of SOS : MAX. Be sure to stop in to see brillig and kate. They are the founders of SOS and their stories are always worth the trip. For anyone that might have missed it, here is part 1 and part 2 of the Max saga.


When last we spoke, Max had just dumped Pam. The next day I was still reeling from the Max/Pam break-up. I told myself that I was angry that he had hurt my friend so badly, but in retrospect I know it had more to do with fear that I might never see Max again. As I headed out to do my paper route (remember folks I WAS just about 14), I was totally lost in thought and wasn't paying attention to where I was going. So imagine my shock when I almost walked directly IN TO Max standing on my front porch.

My heart skipped a beat....I knew I was supposed to be furious with him...I should have told him to go take a flying leap but as I looked into that face I yearned for, all I could do was stare. My mind went blank and I was totally lost for words. I somehow managed to stammer out a hello and asked him what he was doing there.

Max quickly explained that he had come to see T and me. He knew that we would have heard about his split from Pam and wanted to make sure we would still be friends with him. As I tried to make myself calm down and talk to him, T came out and interrupted us. She was always so much more relaxed and collected where boys were concerned...to this day I don't think she realizes how envious I was of her. Max asked her if she wanted to go for a walk while I went to do my route. As they went one way and I went the other, my steps were light and I was smiling. Of course I felt badly for Pam, but I couldn't help but to feel thrilled that Max was still going to be in my life.

I hurried and finished because I wanted to be home sitting on the front step waiting for them when they returned. As I rushed along, I tried to work up the courage to ask Max to go for a walk with me. I would stay calm but would finally have him all to myself...my mind was whirling with the possibilities and I was very excited.

After I arrived home and got washed up, I sat down to wait for them. My nerves were working on overdrive but I was determined not to chicken out. It seemed like they were taking forever so I decided to walk up the street and see if they were coming. As I rounded the corner, there they were...standing under a big oak tree cuddling and kissing.

I was stunned and felt like someone had stuck a huge straw down my mouth and sucked all the air out of my lungs. I felt so betrayed and hurt. I had foolishly allowed myself to dream...to believe that someone like him could some how miraculously even consider looking twice at me. How stupid was that!!

Sorry all, no cliffhanger this week. Tune in next week for the final installment of how Max wreaked havic in my life...

As always, to be continued.................

FEELING THANKFUL

Just wanted y'all to know that my prayers have been heard. Friday afternoon fuckhead called and said his FIL was sick with the flu. This opened the door for me to refuse visitation since the kids would be exposed to him all weekend. Luckily fuckhead decided not to be a jerk for once and we agreed that the kids would just go for the day on Sunday (since this weekend is our thanksgiving in Canada). I immediately felt a HUGE brick lifted off my chest and could breathe again.

Shortly there after, my Mom called to tell me that my Uncle had came through his surgery. He was still listed in serious condition at that point but the doctors sounded very optimistic. My Mom called again this morning to let me know my Uncle was doing much better and should be released as early as next Tuesday or Wednesday if he continues to improve at his current speed.

I am EXTREMELY relieved on both fronts and thank you all for your well wishes, kind words and prayers. This surely is a weekend to give thanks and I surely am!!!

Before I forget again, I told Brillig I would also mention a site that we both have joined. She invited me a number of weeks ago and honestly I am still trying to figure out the in- and-outs of how it all works. To this point, it has been in beta but as of tomorrow it is going public( if I understand correctly).

The site is called cre8buzz. If anyone is interested, stop by and see brillig or leave me a comment and I can send a link your way. I have linked my home page but I am not sure if it will work.

Again, thanks so much ev1...your support is very much appreciated.

Tune in tomorrow for SOS....

As always, to be continued........

PRAYER REQUEST

A big thank you to all for your supportive comments on my post yesterday. It is appreciated more than you will ever know and has given me the strength to suck it up and get through this weekend.

I would ask anyone that believes in prayer to send a quick prayer up for my uncle. I got a call yesterday that he has been rushed to the hospital. After an angiogram, they have scheduled him to have a triple bypass this morning. The family is very worried so I am praying he will be ok.

Told the gnome, bad luck comes in threes...don't wanna know what number 3 is gonna be..lol.

Love to you all and thank you again for the prayers and support. It means the world to me.

As always, to be continued.............

RANDOMNESS

I will preface this by apologizing...the following turned into a rant, even though I didn't plan for it to...it is not happy-go-lucky or entertaining, so I completely understand if you want to just ignore this post and come visit another day, I do apologize for being a downer...thanks for stopping in and a BIG thanks for anyone that takes the time to read it.

Please forgive the following ramblings as I am more scattered than normal today.

The last 24 hours have been hell here and I am not forming coherant thoughts right now. I didn't post yesterday to avoid ranting and screaming...but now I find I need to get things out...whether they make sense or not....

First off, it was my plan yesterday to start dishing about Dancing with the Stars on Wednesdays after the result show Tuesday nights. This was a suggestion from Phoenix and I think it is a great idea, but life got in the way yesterday. I will have more to say about DWTS next Wednesday. All I can say about this week's show is that Albert was totally hosed...and Wayne Newton should have been given his walking papers...hate to tell ya America, but you got that one wrong..lol.

OK yesterday was a day I had dreaded coming for a long time and it finally arrived. This weekend is thanksgiving in Canada so of course my ex-fuckhead called to take the gremlins for the weekend. I know I have touched on the fact before that he is a very bad man (using the term "man" loosely) .

The thing that is new is that yesterday, gremlin #2 (who is still only 12) starting crying and begging me not to make him go. This just breaks my heart because he is still young enough that I don't have a choice. I had to explain to him that unless his fuckhead (don't worry, I didn't use that word with him)...unless his fuckhead is hitting him there is nothing I can do. The court system wouldn't even consider that he HAS hit him...and gremlin #1 and me..

This jerk is a total loser but that doesn't count. When he takes the gremlins, half the time they come home and he hasn't even fed them...but that doesn't count. I have accepted that this is the way it is...it isn't fair, but life often isn't fair.

It is just so hard to make him go when I know he doesn't want to...this is NOT a case of a spoiled brat not wanting to go because they wanna hang out with their friends. These are my babies being forced to go to someplace where they are not taken care of and not safe.

They love him...of course they do..because as much as I hate to admit it he IS their father...actually sperm donor is more accurate.....but they love him, even when he doesn't deserve it...I think that is instinct...

When I got pregnant with gremlin #1, I made a vow that my babies would NEVER have to endure the things that I did growing up...that I would do everything in my power to protect them...that I would NEVER turn a blind eye and let a monster do the things to them that my father did to me...it just would not happen.....yet I have failed....they are NOT safe and protected and it is all my fault!!! I should have seen what was going to happen...should have seen that he was NOT the right choice for me.....the warning signs were there and I missed them...in the end, I was as weak and stupid as my mother was......

I have tried to find peace of mind believing that "what goes around comes around". This jerk has never paid a cent of child support...when I tried to go after him legally for it, he quit his job and went back on welfare...there have been many times in our lives when the gremlins have gone without while he is spending his money on DVDs and video games.....like the selfish jackass he is...

But that's ok right?? Somewhere in the cosmos someone is keeping count right?? When it is his time to go, all this selfish and evil doing will come back to bite him in the ass right???

The gnome and I argued a bit last night about whether or not to send him. The gnome said we have to..and I know he is right but damn I don't want to...

When they were little and wanted to go so badly it was hard. I knew they loved him and were excited to see him but I also knew they weren't safe and were in danger the entire time ...those days were so hard and I thought it couldn't be any harder but I was wrong. This is even harder...they are older now but they don't want to go and I have to force them. The asshole won't even allow them to use the phone to call home or call for help if they need to...

I am sorry to be rambling and ranting...As I said, I purposely didn't post last night...keeping it all in has just made me sick enough that I woke up throwing up again...not sure verbalizing it has helped, but it was worth a try.....sorry again!!!

as always, to be continued.................

WEEKEND EXPLOITS PART 2

As I mentioned, we had a busy weekend. On Sunday, we spent the afternoon on a boat cruise on "my river". I know I have mentioned this river before. It is the St Lawrence River and I grew up on it. By "on it" I mean I camped on it...boated on it...and swan in it...

This river is a part of my soul and when I talk about it, I always say that I am a river rat. I love this river and I miss it more than I ever thought I could since we moved last year. This river has always been a part of me and many times in my life it has been my sanctuary. No matter how bad things get, this river always calms and soothes me....this is where I would run when I needed to escape the hell that was my childhood home and it is hard now when I need a break and I can't go there.

Anyway, this river is the home of the 1000 Islands...and it is a beautiful part of the country. Our cruise was on a part of the 1000 Islands and it is always worth the drive. We took the camera to take some pictures of the scenery and I wanted to share them with y'all....hope you enjoy them as much as I do...


this is a lighthouse that I thought was pretty :


this is part of the Ivy lea bridge. It is one of the bridges connecting Canada to our US neighbour :


this is the same bridge on the way back as the sun sets on the water :

this is the view off the side of the boat looking out on the American coastline at twilight :

some other scenic shots :

A shot of 2 of the many Islands we passed...these ones were in Canadian waters but we did cross over to American waters for part of the cruise :

I took these shots from the front of the boat. I love how the sun setting looks on the water...I could have sat and stared at this for hours....

The thing in the middle of these pics that looks like a stick is actually a small lighthouse off in the distance.

Thanks for taking the time to share my river . I am not a good photographer at all but I really wanted to share them since this is a place that is so special to me. The gnome even proposed to me on this river...but that is another post all together..lol.


Thanks again for stopping in today. As per a request made by Phoenix, we will be dishing about Dancing With the Stars tomorrow..lol.

As always, to be continued.........................

WEEKEND EXPLOITS PART 1

What a crazy weekend we had . I think I have a weekend hangover because it was go-go-go from start to finish but it was a good weekend. Of course, being the good little addict I am, I kept telling the gnome that this weekend was giving me material for my blog...lmao.


On Friday night, we scored free tickets to the opening night of the Ottawa 67's game. For you non Canadians, that is a hockey team in the Ontario Hockey League.



I wish I had thought to take the camera with me because we had pretty good seats and could have gotten some great shots. The following pic is one I found on google that was taken pretty close to the vantage point we had of the game, although we were a few rows closer.

It was a really great game and the gremlins had a blast as well as the gnome of course. For the purposes of this post, I did a little research to find out this team was a stepping stone to the NHL for such players as Gary Roberts, Denis Potvin, Michael Peca and Alyn McCauley just to name a few.

I can't remember if I have ever mentioned that the gnome is a SERIOUS hockey fan. His team is the Toronto Maple Leafs which causes lots of turmoil and heckling as we live in the heartland of their rival team ,the Shithead Senators . Every time we go to a hockey game, the gnome INSISTS on wearing maple leaf gear to get someone riled and yelling at him...I just shake my head and try to keep the gremlins out of the line of fire.

This is now proving more difficult as the gnome has worn off on gremlin #1. She insisted on wearing her TML jersey to the game even though it doesn't really fit her any more. After the game, a weird girl walked up to her and said she should rip that jersey right off her and shred it...

Stupiddddddd stupiddddd girl...don't EVER get in our face and screw with MY gremlin...ohhhhhhhh noooooo....I stepped in between the two of them and told her to shut her face and keep walking or she WAS gonna get me started and that she would NOT like what she got from me...lol.

HOLY BATS BATMAN did I mention we Canadians take our hockey wayyyyyyyyy too seriously???? lmaoooooo. I don't even LIKE the game really...I just tolerate it out of a sense of loyalty and love of the gnome..lmao.


More weekend antics to be posted with some really nice pics that I took that I am very proud of..


As always, to be continued.....................