Thursday, October 4, 2007

RANDOMNESS

I will preface this by apologizing...the following turned into a rant, even though I didn't plan for it to...it is not happy-go-lucky or entertaining, so I completely understand if you want to just ignore this post and come visit another day, I do apologize for being a downer...thanks for stopping in and a BIG thanks for anyone that takes the time to read it.

Please forgive the following ramblings as I am more scattered than normal today.

The last 24 hours have been hell here and I am not forming coherant thoughts right now. I didn't post yesterday to avoid ranting and screaming...but now I find I need to get things out...whether they make sense or not....

First off, it was my plan yesterday to start dishing about Dancing with the Stars on Wednesdays after the result show Tuesday nights. This was a suggestion from Phoenix and I think it is a great idea, but life got in the way yesterday. I will have more to say about DWTS next Wednesday. All I can say about this week's show is that Albert was totally hosed...and Wayne Newton should have been given his walking papers...hate to tell ya America, but you got that one wrong..lol.

OK yesterday was a day I had dreaded coming for a long time and it finally arrived. This weekend is thanksgiving in Canada so of course my ex-fuckhead called to take the gremlins for the weekend. I know I have touched on the fact before that he is a very bad man (using the term "man" loosely) .

The thing that is new is that yesterday, gremlin #2 (who is still only 12) starting crying and begging me not to make him go. This just breaks my heart because he is still young enough that I don't have a choice. I had to explain to him that unless his fuckhead (don't worry, I didn't use that word with him)...unless his fuckhead is hitting him there is nothing I can do. The court system wouldn't even consider that he HAS hit him...and gremlin #1 and me..

This jerk is a total loser but that doesn't count. When he takes the gremlins, half the time they come home and he hasn't even fed them...but that doesn't count. I have accepted that this is the way it is...it isn't fair, but life often isn't fair.

It is just so hard to make him go when I know he doesn't want to...this is NOT a case of a spoiled brat not wanting to go because they wanna hang out with their friends. These are my babies being forced to go to someplace where they are not taken care of and not safe.

They love him...of course they do..because as much as I hate to admit it he IS their father...actually sperm donor is more accurate.....but they love him, even when he doesn't deserve it...I think that is instinct...

When I got pregnant with gremlin #1, I made a vow that my babies would NEVER have to endure the things that I did growing up...that I would do everything in my power to protect them...that I would NEVER turn a blind eye and let a monster do the things to them that my father did to me...it just would not happen.....yet I have failed....they are NOT safe and protected and it is all my fault!!! I should have seen what was going to happen...should have seen that he was NOT the right choice for me.....the warning signs were there and I missed them...in the end, I was as weak and stupid as my mother was......

I have tried to find peace of mind believing that "what goes around comes around". This jerk has never paid a cent of child support...when I tried to go after him legally for it, he quit his job and went back on welfare...there have been many times in our lives when the gremlins have gone without while he is spending his money on DVDs and video games.....like the selfish jackass he is...

But that's ok right?? Somewhere in the cosmos someone is keeping count right?? When it is his time to go, all this selfish and evil doing will come back to bite him in the ass right???

The gnome and I argued a bit last night about whether or not to send him. The gnome said we have to..and I know he is right but damn I don't want to...

When they were little and wanted to go so badly it was hard. I knew they loved him and were excited to see him but I also knew they weren't safe and were in danger the entire time ...those days were so hard and I thought it couldn't be any harder but I was wrong. This is even harder...they are older now but they don't want to go and I have to force them. The asshole won't even allow them to use the phone to call home or call for help if they need to...

I am sorry to be rambling and ranting...As I said, I purposely didn't post last night...keeping it all in has just made me sick enough that I woke up throwing up again...not sure verbalizing it has helped, but it was worth a try.....sorry again!!!

as always, to be continued.................

13 comments:

Marni said...

Vent and rant all you want... that is what we are here for. We listen and don't judge.

I'm sorry this is so hard for you and the gremlin.

Hammer said...

That totally sucks. Is there any legal recourse to make him do things right or else lose visitation?

Burfica said...

Oh honey I am just crying thinking about this, about what you and the babies are going through.

Now my 2 cents worth, not much, but mine. I would not make them go. I would keep them home. If he says anything, I would tell him to take you back to court, cuz for him to afford a lawyer he would have to have a job, and if he had a job you would sue him for back child support, and you would request a court child psychologist to look into what he is doing with and to the children. He sounds like a coward, so he might not even push it.

But again, that is my 2 cents worth. You know I will be there for ya no matter what.

Canadian flake said...

marni - thanks I appreciate the suuport.

hammer - I agree it sucks. We have done the legal system "thing"...as long as he isn't beating them there is nothing I can do...when I told the judge he wasn't feeding them, the other lawyer spoke up and said that they wouldn't starve for the 2 days they are there...nice eh?

fica - I HAVE to send them....I don't know what the law is like down there but up here the police enforce custody agreements...when the bastard beat the boy with a belt, the police came to MY door with a warrant for my arrest because I denied him visitation. As hammer said...it sucks!!!

jAMiE said...

I have no idea what to say, my heart goes out to you and your children...if only the courts would listen.

Phoenix5 said...

The Ontario court system, after decades of treating fathers like total s*** now has done a complete 180 and is awarding fathers everything they can think of. You're not the only one to go through this Flake! I have another friend who has a FH like yours, except he has exposed his kids to illicit drugs, and the police do nothing. But if she denies him his "visitation rights", POW! Off to jail she goes. And he landed her in hospital a few times, without ever having any charges stick. It's definitely not right, but with a justice system that thinks it makes the laws rather than enforcing them, what can you do?

As for apologizing, Flake, my friend, no apology needed. It's your blog, rant all you want. We are here to offer you support. What kind of friends would we be if we didn't want to read your rants? That is what friends are for - use us as a sounding board all you want. We'll probably return the "favour" every once in a while! LOL!

Keep your head high, and yourself on the side of right. Someone is definitely keeping score up there, and when His timing is right, your FH will receive his just rewards. It's just too bad that your gremlins (and you) have to suffer for it now. Sorry for rambling on...

Canadian flake said...

jamie - yes I agree the court system here is deaf for sure.

phoenix- thanks for the kind words and support...having a place to vent and knowing someone cares enough to read it really does help. thanks again buddy!!!

Luisa Perkins said...

What a nightmare. You have my every sympathy.

Burfica said...

Oh flake, honey, baby, my friend. I am so mad that the law enforcment would do that crap. Gosh it makes me shake with anger.

I tell you what, you tell him he won a trip to arizona. We get that bastard down here, and I can guaran dam tee you he will have a hunting accident.

I love ya honey, I really do.

baseballmom said...

Man, so sorry to hear that...it sucks when people get too many chances after fucking up...especially when kids are the ones to suffer. One idea, do you think you could get one of them a pre-paid cell phone, to take in case of emergency...on the sly of course? Just a thought.

~JJ! said...

I'm sorry that so sucks.

Can't you make up some excuses for him?

Nah, that won't work, he'll expect it every time and then fuckhead...I love that...will figure it out.

I hope it goes smoothly for him adn for you!

melodyann said...

flake, this just completely sucks. I wish I could do something to help. I don't pray so much, but for you I will make an exception...

If you ever need someone to talk to, shout at, laugh with, or a shoulder to cry on, I am but an email away...

Palm Springs Savant said...

That stinks. but at least you have all of us readers who "listen", as a sympathetic ear for you