tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14195566137749902342024-03-14T03:29:44.269-04:00Canadian FlakeJust trying to stay sane and not freezeCanadian flakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00994909147845893087noreply@blogger.comBlogger323125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419556613774990234.post-8887225393456100552013-09-10T19:55:00.001-04:002013-09-10T19:55:30.794-04:00hmmmCanadian flakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00994909147845893087noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419556613774990234.post-20295689051594814192011-01-27T15:17:00.002-05:002011-01-27T15:25:11.732-05:00WOWZERS<strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">wowzers....I can not believe how long it has been since I have written here. I was re-reading some of my old posts and again I say wowzers. Some of it was from such a dark time in my life and it is really painful to even read it again. Don't get me wrong...things are not perfect but thank god I have managed to dig myself out of that big hole.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">Some days I still have to fight with the dark thoughts that still lurk in my mind....but at least now it isn't every single day. Working has helped a lot...and the gnome is still such a source of support and strength...even when he is driving me nutso!!! </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">My little gremlins have come so far too...#1 is now working and getting ready to spread her wings and fly...which makes me so proud and scares the crap out of me...in equal measure...lol #2 is still a pain in my azz...and his future scares the crap out of me...but I try hard to take it one day at a time. I guess that is all I can do....I have said it before...get through today and worry about tomorrow when it comes...words to live by !!!</span></strong>Canadian flakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00994909147845893087noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419556613774990234.post-45939332743228565672010-06-03T16:12:00.002-04:002010-06-03T16:23:52.062-04:00DARKNESS IN THE AIR TODAY<strong><span style="color:#993399;">Today is a dark and gloomy day here...and I feel the need to vent. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;">I don't expect that anyone reads this blog anymore...and I have meant to delete it on more than one occasion...but I still haven't done it.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;"> I guess maybe it is good to have a place to come to write the words that are jumbling around in my head...because some days they need a voice and today is definitely one of those days.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;">Sometimes I want to scream at the gnome...and tell him that I have had enough and I am finished fighting...that I am tired of treading water and that I just wanna give up and just let it all go and float away.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;">On days like today, I find myself longing to be normal even though I don't really know that "normal" is...but I am tired of being sad and lonely...tired of wanting to be happy and yet not able to find a way to make myself actually BE happy.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;">I am so tired of going to work and pretending that everything is okay when it really isn't....wishing for a day off then when I get one I spend it all alone feeling like I am a loser and a worthless person. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;">When I look back...my past is full of regrets and mistakes...I feel like I messed up everything and made so many bad choices that I can't have a good future...and today is one of those days that make me think maybe it isn't worth trying...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;">Anyway I am gonna get away from this computer for a bit and try to get my mind off it...will come back again and vent some more...or not...LOL</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;">As always, now and again,to be continued.............</span></strong>Canadian flakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00994909147845893087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419556613774990234.post-32916161204998791992010-03-16T22:10:00.002-04:002010-03-16T22:21:32.495-04:00UGHHHHHHHHHHH<strong><span style="color:#993399;">Right now I am scared...and confused...and not sure how we are gonna get out of the financial quicksand that we are in right now....</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;">The logical part of my brain says...it will be okay...we have a roof over our heads..we have faced worse than this...we have climbed bigger hills than this one...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;">But tonight logic isn't winning out...fear is...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;">When the gnome lost his job and had to get a new one...we also lost our drug plan. The problem is that all 4 of us have prescription drugs that we HAVE to take to survive...and it is getting to the point that we might have to choose between buying the needed drugs and paying our rent.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;">Unfortunately the stupid ass that is our landlord it the one that caused this mess in the first place and won't give a damn that we can't afford both. We aren't talking about cheap drugs...but they are necessary...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;">Anyone got a tent that we can use???? I can't even giggle at that...but maybe tomorrow things will look better..</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;">I sure as heck hope so...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;">As always, to be continued........</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">P.S. Sorry to anyone that wishes to leave a comment...I have had to add word verification to cut down on the crap and spam I am getting in the comment box....please still leave your comments and they always make me smile..</span></strong>Canadian flakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00994909147845893087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419556613774990234.post-68564063456979606272010-03-13T11:29:00.002-05:002010-03-13T11:49:29.617-05:00CASHIER OR BARTENDER????<strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">I think I have decided that I am glad I didn't delete this blog...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">It is now the only place where I can rant and rave and not worry about who cares ...I can't even do that on facebook now because I made the mistake of adding my mom and my boss ..LOL.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">I have mentioned before that I have worked retail for more than 20 years...and without trying to sound too arrogant, I am pretty darn good at it...but my big mouth does tend to get me in trouble from time to time...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">I had to giggle the other day when I was on cash...I was being friendly and chatting with an older lady as I put through her items...smiled and wished her a good day as she headed out into the sunshine. The lady that was next in line had stood and listened to our conversation then said she just HAD to ask me if I had ever been a bartender . After 20 plus years, I thought I had heard just about every question there was...but this one took me back a moment. When I said no , she said that she had wondered because in the minute or 2 that I had helped the old lady, I had managed to get more personal information out of her than most people tell their doctors...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">I just smiled and again wished this gal a nice day and off she went...but the more I thought about her comments, the more I found them rather rude!! After all, I was just listening to the lady and being nice, not pumping her for info so I could swindle her out of her life savings...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">I have said many times that I think everyone should have to work with the public at some point in their life...even for a little while...thinking that maybe it would make people more likely to be friendly to the cashiers, waitresses and gas attendants of the world...but now I think that isn't necessarily the case.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">I think "we are what we learn"...I think that people are who they are and while it would be nice to think everyone is always going to be pleasant and friendly....no one is perfect and I would be lying if I said I was never a little short with someone because I was not feeling well or having a bad day. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">I always try my best to be friendly...to smile at strangers and ALWAYS say please and thank you...it may sound silly and simplistic but you would be AMAZED at the people who can't even say thank you even when you have done everything in your power to be helpful and efficient...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">The one thing that makes up for it is that the odd time, someone will comment on how friendly I am and thank me...it might not happen often but it makes up for alot of the rudeness my fellow workers and I have to put up with...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">Besides, the rude people give us all something to b*tch about...LOL. That's my story and I'm sticking to it....LOL.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">As always, to be continued...............</span></strong>Canadian flakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00994909147845893087noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419556613774990234.post-18511847530797435102010-03-10T20:58:00.003-05:002010-03-10T21:12:25.336-05:00OLD GRUMPY ME<strong><span style="color:#cc33cc;">Am I the only one that looks at myself from time to time and think..."wowwwww am I ever a b&^%*" ??I think I only ask this because I do this and I know I am...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc33cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc33cc;">Every now and again I find myself saying something and I think...wooooohhhhh boy who is yapping that way....someone put a muzzle on this chick and tell her to shut up...lol.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc33cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc33cc;">I believe the technical term is verbal diarhea...a condition that seems to visit me on a weekly basis (if not a daily basis)...but in my defense I will say it isn't intentional and I do try to be a good person...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc33cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc33cc;">I have been trying so hard to behave and keep my mouth shut these days and it sure isn't easy...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc33cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc33cc;">Take my job for instance...every time I start to think I am belonging...they pull the rug out from under me...and I wanna screammmmmmm and tell them to smarten up...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc33cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc33cc;">After all, I am not perfect...and farrrrrrrrr from it...but I also try my darnedest to always be helpful, friendly and a good hard worker...then I have a day like today that makes me wonder why I even try.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc33cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc33cc;">Bosslady was very nice...even when I had to leave early due to illness which I NEVER do... but at the same time, she messed with my schedule for next week so I have almost no hours...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc33cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc33cc;">I wanted to swear at her and yell sooooooo bad that I literally cut my tongue from biting it...lucky I had to leave early or I might not have made it...lol.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc33cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc33cc;">Verbal diarhea can be a real pain in the...well you know...lol. Anyone got some pepto bismal....</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc33cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc33cc;">As always, to be continued (even if it isn`t daily...lol).....</span></strong>Canadian flakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00994909147845893087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419556613774990234.post-21929916038867491032010-03-09T10:37:00.002-05:002010-03-09T10:58:59.943-05:00LONG TIME,NO TYPE<strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">It has been a longggggg time since I have posted here....</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">I have gone to the link for this blog a number of times with the intent of deleting it and being done with it....but something stops me everytime.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">The logical side of my brain tells me to do it...just click "delete blog" and it will be done that quickly....after all, no one even comes to read it that I know of....but still I can't allow myself to do it...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">I started this blog at the urging of an online friend...we had a falling out but I still think of her from time to time...and wonder how life is treating her. This blog was a valuable tool in the beginning...as I fought to find a light in the darkness and a path out of a long never-ending tunnel...this blog gave me a voice to say the things that I was thinking and couldn't vocalize...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">I know the gnome's love for me is unconditional and never ending....but until you have been in the depths of depression you can never truly understand how much it isolates you...and it can destroy you if you don't find a voice that allows you to say what you need to say...uncensored ....and an ability to find a way to ask for help...or something to hold on to so you don't sink even deeper...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">I was blessed with a very special friend that has helped me more than she will ever know...I tell her everytime I talk to her how much I love her because she is a gift from God and there is no way I would have ever survived this last year without her wisdom, guidance and strength.... she is so brave and amazing...she listens to me endlessly without judgement...supports me always, and calls me on my shit when it is needed...love ya buddy...you are my rock and my angel...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">This blog has allowed me to have a voice...I am not done my battle and I am not sure I ever will be...but at least I have gotten to a place where I can once again "fake it" when I am having a bad day...and appreciate the sunshine when I am having a better day!!</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">I have a few friends that I met through this blog that I now have on facebook ...I enjoy keeping up with their lives that way. If you are reading this and want to be one of those friends, please leave a comment and I can contact you with info how to add me. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">Once again, I am here posting...when I need to...I am not ready to hit that "delete blog" button and I am okay with that...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">Hope this finds everyone in bloggerland well...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">Once again and as always, to be continued................</span></strong>Canadian flakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00994909147845893087noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419556613774990234.post-71280938695127830232009-07-27T22:32:00.003-04:002009-07-27T22:52:16.116-04:00CALMING DREAMS<strong><span style="color:#993399;">Today was a much better day...even the weather decided to co operate and give us a break from all the rain we have been getting. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;">We went to see my Mom tonight which I always am glad to do....moved away 3 years ago and I still miss her every day as much as I did then.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;">We are all adjusting to life without Sylvester....although it is hard...but something happened last night that has helped me a lot.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;">Since we put him down I have been feeling soooooo guilty....the gnome wanted to go to the vet a week ago but I kept stalling because I really didn't think it was anything serious and I didn't want to get roped into spending alot of money that we really can't afford....so of course my first thoughts were that we might have saved him if I had gone right away. The vet assured me that this isn't the case but I have still felt bad....couldn't help thinking what iffff......</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;">Anyway, last night in the middle of the night I felt a soft kitty resting against my side and purring loudly....I reached out to pet Tigger assuming he was there only to find there was nothing there....I got up to go to the bathroom and saw Tigger upstairs so I assumed I had just been dreaming.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;">When I got back to bed I couldn't sleep...it had seemed so real and vivid. The more I thought about it, the more I came to believe that it was Sylvester laying with me as I slept. He knew that I have been missing him but also been torturing myself with guilt over him....I honestly believe that he came to be with me for a bit...so I would know that he is okay and happy now in heaven. When he went to sleep that last day I told him to go to heaven and reassured him that it would be okay...that Bootsie would be there waiting for him to take care of him until I could be there to take care of them both when it is my time to see them again one day....</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;">It may seem odd to some.....but it has given me some peace today....I miss him still and have cried again today....and will prolly cry again at some point tomorrow...maybe even the next day too...but at least I feel calmer knowing him loved me enough to come back and let me know he is okay....that helps a great deal.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;">As always, to be continued.......</span></strong>Canadian flakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00994909147845893087noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419556613774990234.post-41650896963354314922009-07-26T21:09:00.003-04:002009-07-26T21:16:49.861-04:00TIRED AND MISSING MY BABY<strong><span style="color:#ff0000;">Still sad and still trying to deal with missing my baby....but still loving the new laptop. In a few days I will have a new router that should allow me to go online while laying comfortably in bed ..been waiting along time for this machine.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#ff0000;">We are all hanging in there...I hardly slept last night and when I did, I dreamt about Sylvester...I saw him wondering around looking lost...and meowing as if calling out for me...or perhaps for his brother Tigger.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#ff0000;">Poor Tigger keeps wondering around looking for him....as if he is hiding and waiting to pounce as he always did....it makes me cry over and over again...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#ff0000;">More tomorrow...going to try to get some rest and forget for awhile...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#ff0000;">As always, to be continued..................TI</span></strong>Canadian flakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00994909147845893087noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419556613774990234.post-72460503000506345392009-07-25T17:41:00.003-04:002009-07-25T18:10:43.653-04:00BROKEN HEART<strong><span style="color:#000099;">Today we are all feeling very sad here. I haven't posted in months and I am sure no one comes to read this anymore but I need to type and vent. A few months ago, at the end of April, we lost our dear sweet bootsie....and I still miss her every single day. She wasn't just a cat...she was a beloved member of our family for 19 years...She had a good long life and it was sad to see her go but we knew it was time to send her to heaven where she could be free and without pain.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;">I had my mind made up that we wouldn't get any more pets...because we all get so attached and I am the one that has to deal with all the bad stuff and everything that comes with that. We only lasted a few weeks and we had two lovely kittens come into our life that were barn cats and needed a caring home.....so of course I caved and we took them both. We have only had them for about 7 weeks...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;">Today we had to take Sylvester to the vet. He has been having some problems for about a week now...and we were worried we were feeding him the wrong food or something. We were in NO way prepared for the diagnosis we received. It turns out the poor little guy had a misformed bowel from birth and there was nothing they could do to save him. He was starting to suffer (which is why we took him to the vet) and she told us that his pain would only increase until he suffered a painful death...which we could not allow. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;">She assured us that death was certain...and that he would only get worse so we were forced to do the only humane thing and put him to sleep. As I sit here typing, my heart is broken...and I am once again crying. I only had a few short months with him....but I loved him with every ounce of love in my heart and I shall miss him forever and always...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;">We made the only decision that we could for a family member we will love for all time...but that doesn't make it an easy one does it?</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;">The only good news of the weekend is that we finally bought a laptop last night...my hernia has gotten so bad that I can't go on the desktop because it kills me to even sit there for a few minutes...hopefully this will be the answer...keeping my fingers crossed that having some access to the internet again will improve my mindset...although today hasn't helped at all to be sure...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;">I will be back again....have sooooooooo much to share but no energy to do it right now...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;">Not as always.,..but eventually, to be continued..lol</span></strong>Canadian flakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00994909147845893087noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419556613774990234.post-70119645162545089652009-04-18T20:42:00.005-04:002009-04-18T21:13:50.359-04:00R.I.P MY FRIENDS<strong><span style="color:#000099;">This week has been a long, hard one for us . Tuesday night as I waited for the gnome to get home from bowling the phone rang and I saw it was my Mom's number calling. As I reached to answer, I said a quick prayer that she was okay (as loosing her is among my greatest fears). She was calling to tell me that my Uncle had a massive heart attack and was dead. It has come as a shock to us all. He was only 64 and there wasn't really any warning this was coming...but I am glad he went quickly and didn't linger on. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;">Last night was his wake. It wasn't easy but I am really glad I was able to go. It was good to see everyone even though it was for such a tragic occasion.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;">Today was a day that I had been dreading for a long time. My dearest friend is the world has gone to heaven to be an angel (next to the gnome of course).</span></strong><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_8bC9WucqCV4/Sep2-e5yDQI/AAAAAAAAAj0/vVZztJlUkcw/s1600-h/DSC00468.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5326200325138418946" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 150px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_8bC9WucqCV4/Sep2-e5yDQI/AAAAAAAAAj0/vVZztJlUkcw/s200/DSC00468.JPG" border="0" /></a><br /><div><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_8bC9WucqCV4/Sep2-Nu2zRI/AAAAAAAAAjs/-_x7i6-8Zag/s1600-h/PICT0037.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5326200320529190162" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 150px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_8bC9WucqCV4/Sep2-Nu2zRI/AAAAAAAAAjs/-_x7i6-8Zag/s200/PICT0037.JPG" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><div><span style="color:#000099;"><strong>Bootsie was 19 years old and was the best pet I could have ever asked for. She came to me when she was only a few weeks old because some sicko threw her in the snow bank and left her to die. I came across her and took her in. It was certainly their loss because she was a devoted and loving friend until the very end. Unfortunately, her health took a turn over the last few days and I couldn't let her suffer. I loved her way too much to see her continue, so today I took her to the vet and ended her pain.</strong></span></div><div><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="color:#000099;">Heaven has 2 more angels this week....and my heart is broken.</span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="color:#000099;">I love you Uncle John...and to my dear sweet Bootsie, I will think of you every day and love you forever. We will be together again one day, so wait for me in heaven my friend.</span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="color:#000099;">As always, to be continued.........................</span></strong></div></div>Canadian flakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00994909147845893087noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419556613774990234.post-76198720440965760722009-03-18T19:15:00.004-04:002009-03-18T19:28:51.700-04:00A QUICK HOWDY<strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">I don't know where the time goes....I can't believe I haven't posted in 2 months. I honestly have meant to....the days just seem to slip away from me...guess that is a sign of old age..lmao.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">Things are chugging along here...I am still working at the dollar store and that has really helped things a lot. Getting out of the house has made a big difference (as I figured it would..lol). As with every job, it has it's ups and downs...it isn't always easy dealing with fellow co-workers and their moods...but overall there are more ups than downs...so that it is for the best!!!</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">The gremlins and gnome are all doing well. Gremlin #1 will be 17 on the 26th of this month. The same day is my bday too but my old age isn't even worth mentioning...lol. I don't know where the years go...it's so hard to believe that my little gremlin will be 17......it seems like just yesterday I was sitting in the living room with her and #2 listening to Barney and begging for 5 minutes of peace and quiet...which I never did manage to get...lmao.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">Well if anyone does come to read this, I will be back again soon. I do promise not to be gone quite so long this time...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">My thoughts, prayers and love are with you all...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">As always, to be continued...........</span></strong>Canadian flakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00994909147845893087noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419556613774990234.post-70956408203424969912009-01-27T05:32:00.004-05:002009-01-27T05:48:28.605-05:00BELATED HAPPY 2009<strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">Wowzers....I can't believe how long it has been since I have posted here. I do not know where the time since Christmas has gone.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">First, let me send out best wishes to anyone that stops in to read this....I hope you are all having a wonderful and healthy 2009. So far, this year is getting off to a MUCH better start than 2008 did (although I find it hard to believe it could have been that much worse...lol).</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">I am still working at the dollar store thank GOD and that has made such a huge difference in my life. I have felt sort of guilty because I have been getting hours weekly and the other xmas girl they hired isn't getting any hours at all....but then I remind myself that this job has been my life line and for that reason, I need the hours more than she ever could.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">I work with a great bunch of people and I love them all dearly (all except one that I shall refer to as Mrs B...and yes B does equal BITCH...LOL) More about her to follow another day...haha.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">The gnome and gremlins are all well and we had a good holiday season....the grandparents spoiled both gremlins like crazy...which always makes for a fun time..lmao.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">I am still working a few hrs a week in "hell" also. I look forward to the day when I can quit that job.....but that will have to wait until things are a little more stable at the dollar store. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">The only sad news I have to report is that my old cat is getting ready to give up the ghost. Her health has taken a turn for the worse and I fear we will be going to visit a vet within the next week or 2 to have her put down. She is 19 and has lived a good long life.....but we shall all miss her greatly.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">I have missed you all and plan to get back to posting regularly. Sorry I have been away so long. My love to you all and I will stop in to your blogs and say hi over the next few days.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">As always, to be continued....................</span></strong>Canadian flakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00994909147845893087noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419556613774990234.post-28933138109071479392008-12-16T07:06:00.004-05:002008-12-16T07:13:08.046-05:00A QUICK HELLO TO ALL<strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">Hello to ev1</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">Just a quick hello to let anyone that stops in that I AM still alive and kicking.....</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">What a whirlwind couple of months it has been...I have been working like crazy, enjoying the new job and trying to get the darkness under control. The new job at the dollar store has been a blessing and has made SUCH a big difference in my mind set.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">I have spent 2 months working with a great bunch of gals that make me giggle and laugh almost every single day I work...what a gift that has been!!! More importantly, I have made friends...that have managed to fight off the loneliness and allowed me to see the light on the other side of the tunnel.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">It has been a long dark road...and it isn't a journey I have enjoyed...but I have learned some very important lessons and been reminded that I am loved...and God is listening to me, even if I don't get the answer I need right away everything DOES happen the way HE wants it to...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">I will be back soon...off to work another long day...woooohooooooo</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">As always, to be continued...........</span></strong>Canadian flakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00994909147845893087noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419556613774990234.post-60677769653888486902008-10-06T12:50:00.005-04:002008-10-06T12:55:30.917-04:00HUNTING AND BOATING<strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">I have absolutely noooooo idea where the last week has gone....I am not sure if that is a good or bad sign..lmao.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">Finally took the bull by the horns and got out job hunting last week. I had 2 interviews both of which ended in a job offer.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">The one I accepted is casual work at a dollar store in town..it might not sound like much but I have a good vibe about it and I am actually looking forward to getting started.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">Got all my fingers and toes crossed here....</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">Went on a boat cruise yesterday on MY river...sometimes I forget how much that river restores and rejuvenates me...only wish I lived closer now...but it was still great to see it again...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">Took some nice pics...will post them over the next few days..</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">As always, to be continued.....</span></strong>Canadian flakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00994909147845893087noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419556613774990234.post-58529138671183242062008-09-30T21:02:00.001-04:002008-09-30T21:04:17.960-04:00TUESDAY FOLLIES<strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">I have seen this funny many times...and it makes me giggle every single time...so thought I would pass it along..lmao</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">'CASE DISMISSED!!' </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">As always, to be continued.........</span></strong>Canadian flakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00994909147845893087noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419556613774990234.post-27208721916313260962008-09-27T16:47:00.003-04:002008-09-28T16:07:02.457-04:00AUTUMN ARRIVES<strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">It must be fall in Canada...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">leaves are turning colours...the nights are getting colder...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">And in the last week, both gremlins and the gnome have shared a cold..</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">And guess who woke up with it this morning???</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">Man oh man, it is the momma bear that gets to have all the fun..lmaoooooooo</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">As always (even if no one listens..lol) to be continued....</span></strong>Canadian flakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00994909147845893087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419556613774990234.post-33656686868034711752008-09-20T17:19:00.003-04:002008-09-20T17:25:07.195-04:00MOM VS MOMMY<strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">Did anyone know that when gremlins get sick...no matter how old they are, they still always want their Mommy...lol</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">On Thursday, I had to go pick up #2 from school because he was sick and they felt he had a fever...so Mommy to the rescue of course...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">Today #1 woke up with it and the poor thing looks just dreadful...and as much as I hate to see her feeling this poorly, I can't help but smile a bit too...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">She is 16 now...and it is always "oh Mommmmmmm this..." or oh Mommmm that..." as she rolls her eyes at the same time...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">But today, my dear baby gremlin is really sick...so for today, I am once again Mommy...the one that can protect her and help her until she feels better again...and show her the proper amount of sympathy too of course...lmao.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">It isn't nice to have sick gremlins...but it IS nice to be " Mommy" again...for a short while at least...lol</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">As always, to be continued......</span></strong>Canadian flakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00994909147845893087noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419556613774990234.post-23000489084450022502008-09-19T12:22:00.002-04:002008-09-20T17:18:54.037-04:00FIRST DAY SURVIVOR<strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">OKKKKKKKK SURVIVED THE FIRST SHIFT OF THE NEW JOB</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">IS TELEMARKETING...GREAT BOSS BUT NOT SURE HOW LONG I CAN DO THIS</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">WILL TALK MORE ABOUT IT WHEN I CAN BREATHE AGAIN..LOL</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">as always, to be continued...........</span></strong>Canadian flakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00994909147845893087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419556613774990234.post-55948422165614488642008-09-18T12:17:00.004-04:002008-09-18T12:22:29.122-04:00CHICKEN LITTLE IN CANADA<strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">Today I pose a question...which is simply this??? </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">Am I the only one that gets scared like a chicken shit when change occurs???</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">I got a second job today...starting it tomorrow. It is telemarketing out of my home...which makes me nervous even though I have retail and sales experience.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">I know this should be a good thing...they guy seems nice...but after talking on the phone to him for about 15 minutes he hired me...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">Now my thoughts are...if this job ISN'T terrible why is the guy so hard up for help??? Am I about to get screwed yet again???</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">I guess time will tell...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">As always, to be continued.............</span></strong>Canadian flakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00994909147845893087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419556613774990234.post-43001678700997153802008-09-17T08:18:00.004-04:002008-09-17T08:41:19.429-04:00ELECTION DEBATE OR DEBACLE??<a href="http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44816000/jpg/_44816583_elex_mccainobama466.jpg"><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44816000/jpg/_44816583_elex_mccainobama466.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><strong><span style="color:#000099;">OK today I wanna talk about something different...I want to invite y'all to enlighten me about American politics (as long as no one throws any chairs, feel free to be honest ..as a Canadian, I can't be offended..lol)</span></strong></div><br /><div><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong></div><br /><div><strong><span style="color:#000099;">I have always found the American election process intriguing...I can still see in my mind the day I watched the inauguration of Bush JR and SR, Clinton, hell even Reagan (yeah yeah okay I am old..lmao)</span></strong></div><br /><div><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong></div><br /><div><strong><span style="color:#000099;">Anyway, I have read a few posts recently talking about McCain's running mate....whether or not she is making a mistake exposing her family to such scrutiny.</span></strong></div><br /><div><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong></div><br /><div><strong><span style="color:#000099;">First, let me mention that we Canadians are also having an election...but when it was called, the length of the entire process is only about 5 weeks....a bit of a whirlwind maybe, but I can compare it to removing a bandaid....sometimes it is just better to rip it off quickly and not draw out the process too long...lmao.</span></strong></div><br /><div><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong></div><br /><div><strong><span style="color:#000099;">I do not begin to understand or judge what Governor Palin was thinking when she decided that it was wise to make this career choice....although I think maybe a female vice president would do you yanks a world of good...roflmao ( sorry can never pass up a chance to jab at you guys...lol).</span></strong></div><br /><div><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong></div><br /><div><strong><span style="color:#000099;">One blog I read recently talked about how relentless the press can be to get dirt on the children of elected officials...and I thought that was an interesting point. Remember the heyday that surrounded Chelsea Clinton...not to mention those Bush Twins. While I completely agree that this is wrong...that these poor girls are raked over the coals in a VERY unfair manner...I am also reminded that life is very rarely fair...</span></strong></div><br /><div><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong></div><br /><div><strong><span style="color:#000099;">Again, I state that I do not in ANY way judge the Governor's decision...but as a mama, my instinct would be to hide and protect my baby if she was young and dealing with an unexpected pregnancy....not because I would be ashamed of her...but because the world can be, and is, often very cruel and harsh.</span></strong></div><br /><div><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong></div><br /><div><strong><span style="color:#000099;">Soooooooo what do y'all think??? Please feel free to express yourself....I am honestly interested in your thoughts and opinions..as an interested bystander...</span></strong></div><br /><div><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong></div><br /><div><strong><span style="color:#000099;">Remember I have said before, I am convinced I was an American in a former life.. lmao</span></strong></div><br /><div><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong></div><br /><div><strong><span style="color:#000099;">As always, to be continued......................</span></strong></div>Canadian flakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00994909147845893087noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419556613774990234.post-77721638768445496852008-09-15T10:45:00.003-04:002008-09-15T11:10:44.745-04:00OK I CAN ADMIT WHEN I AM WRONG<strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">Ok I can admit when I have made a mistake...and I certainly have with my last post. The truth is my brain is still pretty mucked up...but through this blog I have met some pretty kick-ass great bloggers...and I miss you all.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">I have sat here for the last few hours, reading blogs and getting caught up on the goings-ons in your lives over the last few months...and it has really been enlightening.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">I think part of what makes depression such a terrible thing to deal with is that it not only sucks the life out of you...but it draws you into a deep dark hole and you lose sight of the world around you.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">As I sat here today reading, I really enjoyed catching up...whether it be reading about <a href="http://armedwithwillanddetermination.blogspot.com/">Jamie's</a> continuing battle against cancer...or <a href="http://airmydirtylaundry.blogspot.com/">JJ's</a> insights into how a young child deals with the concept of trying to understand death...or <a href="http://corkyslog.blogspot.com/">corky's</a> always funny antics...etc etc etc...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">It was good, it reminded me that there is life out there...I honestly think I had forgotten that. And the truth is, I need to blog...I need to be able to type out the thoughts that are in my head...if only to get them straightened around in my mind or to release some of the pressure that builds up in there...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">So this is what I have decided to do...I have started a second blog...one that is private and just for me...sort of like an online diary...I have been blogging my deepest and darkest thoughts..and because no one at all (even the gnome) is reading it, I can be as brutally blunt and honest as I want to...and don't have to feel the need to censor myself...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">That being said, I miss you all and do very much miss communicating here with you. So I will continue to blog here...whether or not anyone comes back to read...BUT I will blog here when I can be upbeat or share a funny joke. That way, for now, I can get what I need without giving up the bloggers I have come to care for so much....Maybe someday I will post some of the writings from the other blog...maybe not...I guess time will tell...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">Hope to see y'all again soon, I will be visiting and lurking your blogs catching up again....</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">Once again, and as always, TO BE CONTINUED...........</span></strong>Canadian flakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00994909147845893087noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419556613774990234.post-10356617078594203102008-09-04T14:33:00.003-04:002008-09-04T19:37:52.189-04:00GOOD BYE POST<strong><span style="color:#3333ff;"><span style="color:#ff0000;">Edit:</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;"><span style="color:#ff0000;">Not sure why this post wasn't allowing comments, it wasn't something I had done(maybe a blogger fart). I think it is fixed now...thanks to Brillig for letting me know about the problem...take care.</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">This will be my final post on this blog. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">When I started posting 18 months ago, I found it to be a valuable tool for me to straighten things out in my mind , sometimes to vent and or share funny gremlin stories. </span></strong><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">But I don't feel this way anymore so I am done. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">I posted something 2 days ago that was very raw...and hard to right...but I did feel better when I was done...which was the point of it all in the first place...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">Since that post, it seems that I haven't been able to read my blog without getting angry or upset and that isn't helping so I am walking away.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">I know that all the comments were left with the best of intentions...but right now, I don't feel helped I feel...almost insulted.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">At first, I read the comments and even though they did upset me, I considered them thoughtfully and discussed them with the gnome. But after I wrote a post stating that I AM getting medical attention and feel that is all I need right now...there were comments left that upset me all over again instead of just letting it drop. By posting, I understand I opened myself up to comments...but by others commenting , I feel that I have the right to further comment....</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">Again, PLEASE understand that I honestly do know that these people were commenting because they care...and it is not my intention to be rude in anyway. I can only be honest about how I feel...I feel that just because I expressed myself and was very honest about my depression, that doesn't mean that I am somehow incapable of having judgement about what is best for me. I stated clearly that while I agree hospitalization is a very important tool, it is not for me. I admit I am depressed and as soon as it got to the point where I felt needed help, I contacted my doctor immediately. Being depressed does not mean that I can't be self aware...I am not burying my head in the sand hoping it will all just go away...and dealing with things to the best of my current ability.....</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">Thank you all for caring and listening all these months. It has meant a great deal to me. But I went without for posting for weeks because I didn't feel I could be honest and I didn't want to pretend....but everytime I have opened my blog in the last 48 hours, it has only upset me or irritated me...and it just isn't worth it anymore. From the first post, I said that when it wasn't fun or helpful anymore, I was gone...and I am there... </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">I will be lurking around many of your blogs, although probably not commenting much.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">Please take care ev1, my love is sent to you all..always!!!</span></strong>Canadian flakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00994909147845893087noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419556613774990234.post-4957240651809461702008-09-03T17:56:00.003-04:002008-09-03T19:09:26.690-04:00ROCK AND HARD PLACE-ITIS<strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">Today was a better day...thank god!!! I still missed the gremlins and was terribly lonely but did a better job of staying calm and keeping things in perspective. That seems to be one of the biggest battles....to remember that it is okay to have bad days and enjoy the good ones when they come along.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">Thanks to all for the thoughtful comments from my post yesterday. While I do not agree even a little bit that I need to be institutionalized, I still REALLY appreciate everyone's kind words of support ..they mean so very much to me .</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">When I first talked to my doctor about starting the anti depressants, we also discussed the possibility of me getting counselling. He explained that in this part of my province, as is the case in many places in Canada, there just isn't enough counsellors to come close to being able to cope with the demand. He called it a catch 22....because in most cases counselling will prevent a person's depression from deepening but it is next to impossible to get a counsellor here until you are at the point where you are a danger to yourself or others....which I am NOT!!</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">Let me state clearly that I am NOT suicidal nor have I been at anytime through this dark time. That being said, I also agree that counselling would more that likely be helpful, but it just isn't an option right now in my area, although my doc did say if things don't improve in the next few months, he would get me on a few waiting lists.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">Honestly, it isn't a mystery to me at all what the problem is...I just feel stuck and helpless to improve the situation. I have lived in this town for 2 years now and still do not have a single friend here. I work out of my home so I have little to no contact with anyone other than the gnome and gremlins...and this town is barely big enough to be a dot on a map so there is nothing to do here socially. Some people would be okay living like a hermet but I am not wired that way. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">Together the gnome and I have talked about moving back home...but there is just no way we can swing it. Even if we could afford the move itself, we surely can't afford going back to paying for gas so he can commute an hour to work everyday. With all the meds we are all on, we couldn't afford to lose his drug plan. Add the fact that he has an AWESOME boss and I would never ask him to sacrifice that for me...so that is the proverbial rock and hard place I am stuck between.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">Things are compounded with the lack of employers in this town...no employers means no escape from a crappy job. I had hung on to hope through the summer because Walmart was scheduled to build and open a store here . But the word came down a few weeks ago that they have put the plans on ice for at least a year,maybe longer...so that sorta dashed my hopes a bit.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">Anyway, sorry this rant was so long again. It all boils down to feeling hopeless and helpless...which does get tiresome after awhile. But today was a better day....so I am just gonna remind myself to give thanks for the good days...and breathe through the bad days...it's the only thing I can do for now. Thank you all again and my love to you all.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">As always, to be continued...................</span></strong>Canadian flakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00994909147845893087noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1419556613774990234.post-81955578538232488562008-09-02T09:24:00.004-04:002008-09-02T10:18:19.611-04:00BREATHING AND TRYING NOT TO CRY<span style="color:#6600cc;"><strong><span style="color:#ff0000;">NOTE : The following is a long rant...was me trying to get past some stuff...</span></strong></span><br /><span style="color:#6600cc;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="color:#6600cc;"><strong>Here I sit..all alone with tears streaming down my cheeks...praying for strength. At this moment, it is hard to see to even type but I feel I must at least try.</strong></span><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">Today the gremlins both started high school (#1 in grade 11 and #2 in grade 9).....and all I can feel is terror and loneliness.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">I haven't blogged much this summer... I felt I couldn't use this blog in the way I intended when I first started posting. I couldn't pretend that everything was okay...it was taking all my strength to try to keep my shit together for the gnome and gremlins...I couldn't pretend here....so I walked away. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">When I started this blog a year and a half ago, I wanted a place to vent and get out the words that were whirling around in my head. The last 6 months have been among the most difficult in my life. I have fallen into a very dark hole and have spent the last months trying to be stronger and fighting my way out of that hole. I am not there yet...it is a daily battle and I still have to MAKE myself keep fighting and not give up. The gnome has been wonderful (for the most part) but I can see how frustrated he is getting too.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">I don't believe that anyone who hadn't battled depression can truly understand how all consuming it can be. He says he knows that it is hard, and I know he is trying his best..but of course, there is no way he could really get it...and of course that isn't his fault.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">Sometimes I just want to smack him....last night was one of those times. This weekend was so hard ...I kept breaking down and crying. He was patient and understanding even though there was really nothing he could do to help....all I could do was keep breathing and putting one foot in front of each other and trying to get through it somehow...which I did (as best I could anyway).</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">Last night, he finally couldn't take anymore. He snapped and started to yell at me. Of course, his timing was impeccable because I had just spent a half hour vomitting and was so dizzy I couldn't even get up off the floor. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">I wanted to scream back at him but the words wouldn't come. I wanted to ask if he thought I enjoyed feeling this way?? Did he think that I would choose this terrible path to travel?? Did he think I would want this for myself or for anyone??? </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">Sometimes it is like he just thinks that I am just wallowing in self pity and I could shake it off if I wanted to....that I enjoy feeling this way and that I just sit around feeling sorry for myself instead of trying to get better.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">Today is hard...I had to send my gremlins off knowing that I can't protect them...this is something they have to do. Again, this is something that can only be truly understood by someone that deals daily with a learning disabled gremlin...I can't help worrying about them...they are growing up so quickly but they will ALWAYS be my baby gremlins and I want to keep them safe in my arms where no one can hurt them.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">But today, my fear is not only for them. I have been dreading this day all summer along....being here again, all alone with my thoughts and fears, and only a cat to help me fight off my demons. It wasn't that I would ever expect the gremlins to help me...but just being here all summer helped. One of the things I hate most about this stupid town is that there is nothing to do.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">As soon as the gnome left, I felt the darkness quickly overtaking me so I decided to go out for a walk to stay calm. As I walked, everywhere I could see kids standing and waiting for their bus to come. I tried to keep my eyes down and trudged alone. Walking is still painful since my accident..but today the darkness is more painful. As I turned down the last street to get back to mine, there was a family standing on the lawn with a little girl. I smiled as I passed and the older lady started talking, explaining that they were all there waiting to send off her granddaughter to her first day of kindergarten.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">I wished them luck as I hurried along. I worried that she might think me rude, but I had to escape before they saw me starting to cry again. Seeing that little girl brought back with a flood so many memories....amd made me feel angry....angry that I can' t freeze time...fearful of what the future holds for my gremlins.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">As I made my way home, just as I was about to my house, I saw the bus that #2 used to ride to school. It slowed for a minute infront of my house then drove past me. That started the old faucets going again. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">So again, here I sit, trying not to cry, trying to breathe, counting the minutes til by gremlins come home and praying that someday it will be better...because I don't know much more of this I can take.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#6600cc;">As always, to be continued.........</span></strong>Canadian flakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00994909147845893087noreply@blogger.com3