hmmm

WOWZERS

wowzers....I can not believe how long it has been since I have written here. I was re-reading some of my old posts and again I say wowzers. Some of it was from such a dark time in my life and it is really painful to even read it again. Don't get me wrong...things are not perfect but thank god I have managed to dig myself out of that big hole.

Some days I still have to fight with the dark thoughts that still lurk in my mind....but at least now it isn't every single day. Working has helped a lot...and the gnome is still such a source of support and strength...even when he is driving me nutso!!!

My little gremlins have come so far too...#1 is now working and getting ready to spread her wings and fly...which makes me so proud and scares the crap out of me...in equal measure...lol #2 is still a pain in my azz...and his future scares the crap out of me...but I try hard to take it one day at a time. I guess that is all I can do....I have said it before...get through today and worry about tomorrow when it comes...words to live by !!!

DARKNESS IN THE AIR TODAY

Today is a dark and gloomy day here...and I feel the need to vent.

I don't expect that anyone reads this blog anymore...and I have meant to delete it on more than one occasion...but I still haven't done it.

I guess maybe it is good to have a place to come to write the words that are jumbling around in my head...because some days they need a voice and today is definitely one of those days.

Sometimes I want to scream at the gnome...and tell him that I have had enough and I am finished fighting...that I am tired of treading water and that I just wanna give up and just let it all go and float away.

On days like today, I find myself longing to be normal even though I don't really know that "normal" is...but I am tired of being sad and lonely...tired of wanting to be happy and yet not able to find a way to make myself actually BE happy.

I am so tired of going to work and pretending that everything is okay when it really isn't....wishing for a day off then when I get one I spend it all alone feeling like I am a loser and a worthless person.

When I look back...my past is full of regrets and mistakes...I feel like I messed up everything and made so many bad choices that I can't have a good future...and today is one of those days that make me think maybe it isn't worth trying...

Anyway I am gonna get away from this computer for a bit and try to get my mind off it...will come back again and vent some more...or not...LOL

As always, now and again,to be continued.............

UGHHHHHHHHHHH

Right now I am scared...and confused...and not sure how we are gonna get out of the financial quicksand that we are in right now....

The logical part of my brain says...it will be okay...we have a roof over our heads..we have faced worse than this...we have climbed bigger hills than this one...

But tonight logic isn't winning out...fear is...

When the gnome lost his job and had to get a new one...we also lost our drug plan. The problem is that all 4 of us have prescription drugs that we HAVE to take to survive...and it is getting to the point that we might have to choose between buying the needed drugs and paying our rent.

Unfortunately the stupid ass that is our landlord it the one that caused this mess in the first place and won't give a damn that we can't afford both. We aren't talking about cheap drugs...but they are necessary...

Anyone got a tent that we can use???? I can't even giggle at that...but maybe tomorrow things will look better..

I sure as heck hope so...

As always, to be continued........

P.S. Sorry to anyone that wishes to leave a comment...I have had to add word verification to cut down on the crap and spam I am getting in the comment box....please still leave your comments and they always make me smile..

CASHIER OR BARTENDER????

I think I have decided that I am glad I didn't delete this blog...

It is now the only place where I can rant and rave and not worry about who cares ...I can't even do that on facebook now because I made the mistake of adding my mom and my boss ..LOL.

I have mentioned before that I have worked retail for more than 20 years...and without trying to sound too arrogant, I am pretty darn good at it...but my big mouth does tend to get me in trouble from time to time...

I had to giggle the other day when I was on cash...I was being friendly and chatting with an older lady as I put through her items...smiled and wished her a good day as she headed out into the sunshine. The lady that was next in line had stood and listened to our conversation then said she just HAD to ask me if I had ever been a bartender . After 20 plus years, I thought I had heard just about every question there was...but this one took me back a moment. When I said no , she said that she had wondered because in the minute or 2 that I had helped the old lady, I had managed to get more personal information out of her than most people tell their doctors...

I just smiled and again wished this gal a nice day and off she went...but the more I thought about her comments, the more I found them rather rude!! After all, I was just listening to the lady and being nice, not pumping her for info so I could swindle her out of her life savings...

I have said many times that I think everyone should have to work with the public at some point in their life...even for a little while...thinking that maybe it would make people more likely to be friendly to the cashiers, waitresses and gas attendants of the world...but now I think that isn't necessarily the case.

I think "we are what we learn"...I think that people are who they are and while it would be nice to think everyone is always going to be pleasant and friendly....no one is perfect and I would be lying if I said I was never a little short with someone because I was not feeling well or having a bad day.

I always try my best to be friendly...to smile at strangers and ALWAYS say please and thank you...it may sound silly and simplistic but you would be AMAZED at the people who can't even say thank you even when you have done everything in your power to be helpful and efficient...

The one thing that makes up for it is that the odd time, someone will comment on how friendly I am and thank me...it might not happen often but it makes up for alot of the rudeness my fellow workers and I have to put up with...

Besides, the rude people give us all something to b*tch about...LOL. That's my story and I'm sticking to it....LOL.

As always, to be continued...............

OLD GRUMPY ME

Am I the only one that looks at myself from time to time and think..."wowwwww am I ever a b&^%*" ??I think I only ask this because I do this and I know I am...

Every now and again I find myself saying something and I think...wooooohhhhh boy who is yapping that way....someone put a muzzle on this chick and tell her to shut up...lol.

I believe the technical term is verbal diarhea...a condition that seems to visit me on a weekly basis (if not a daily basis)...but in my defense I will say it isn't intentional and I do try to be a good person...

I have been trying so hard to behave and keep my mouth shut these days and it sure isn't easy...

Take my job for instance...every time I start to think I am belonging...they pull the rug out from under me...and I wanna screammmmmmm and tell them to smarten up...

After all, I am not perfect...and farrrrrrrrr from it...but I also try my darnedest to always be helpful, friendly and a good hard worker...then I have a day like today that makes me wonder why I even try.

Bosslady was very nice...even when I had to leave early due to illness which I NEVER do... but at the same time, she messed with my schedule for next week so I have almost no hours...

I wanted to swear at her and yell sooooooo bad that I literally cut my tongue from biting it...lucky I had to leave early or I might not have made it...lol.

Verbal diarhea can be a real pain in the...well you know...lol. Anyone got some pepto bismal....

As always, to be continued (even if it isn`t daily...lol).....

LONG TIME,NO TYPE

It has been a longggggg time since I have posted here....

I have gone to the link for this blog a number of times with the intent of deleting it and being done with it....but something stops me everytime.

The logical side of my brain tells me to do it...just click "delete blog" and it will be done that quickly....after all, no one even comes to read it that I know of....but still I can't allow myself to do it...

I started this blog at the urging of an online friend...we had a falling out but I still think of her from time to time...and wonder how life is treating her. This blog was a valuable tool in the beginning...as I fought to find a light in the darkness and a path out of a long never-ending tunnel...this blog gave me a voice to say the things that I was thinking and couldn't vocalize...

I know the gnome's love for me is unconditional and never ending....but until you have been in the depths of depression you can never truly understand how much it isolates you...and it can destroy you if you don't find a voice that allows you to say what you need to say...uncensored ....and an ability to find a way to ask for help...or something to hold on to so you don't sink even deeper...

I was blessed with a very special friend that has helped me more than she will ever know...I tell her everytime I talk to her how much I love her because she is a gift from God and there is no way I would have ever survived this last year without her wisdom, guidance and strength.... she is so brave and amazing...she listens to me endlessly without judgement...supports me always, and calls me on my shit when it is needed...love ya buddy...you are my rock and my angel...

This blog has allowed me to have a voice...I am not done my battle and I am not sure I ever will be...but at least I have gotten to a place where I can once again "fake it" when I am having a bad day...and appreciate the sunshine when I am having a better day!!

I have a few friends that I met through this blog that I now have on facebook ...I enjoy keeping up with their lives that way. If you are reading this and want to be one of those friends, please leave a comment and I can contact you with info how to add me.

Once again, I am here posting...when I need to...I am not ready to hit that "delete blog" button and I am okay with that...

Hope this finds everyone in bloggerland well...

Once again and as always, to be continued................

CALMING DREAMS

Today was a much better day...even the weather decided to co operate and give us a break from all the rain we have been getting.

We went to see my Mom tonight which I always am glad to do....moved away 3 years ago and I still miss her every day as much as I did then.

We are all adjusting to life without Sylvester....although it is hard...but something happened last night that has helped me a lot.

Since we put him down I have been feeling soooooo guilty....the gnome wanted to go to the vet a week ago but I kept stalling because I really didn't think it was anything serious and I didn't want to get roped into spending alot of money that we really can't afford....so of course my first thoughts were that we might have saved him if I had gone right away. The vet assured me that this isn't the case but I have still felt bad....couldn't help thinking what iffff......

Anyway, last night in the middle of the night I felt a soft kitty resting against my side and purring loudly....I reached out to pet Tigger assuming he was there only to find there was nothing there....I got up to go to the bathroom and saw Tigger upstairs so I assumed I had just been dreaming.

When I got back to bed I couldn't sleep...it had seemed so real and vivid. The more I thought about it, the more I came to believe that it was Sylvester laying with me as I slept. He knew that I have been missing him but also been torturing myself with guilt over him....I honestly believe that he came to be with me for a bit...so I would know that he is okay and happy now in heaven. When he went to sleep that last day I told him to go to heaven and reassured him that it would be okay...that Bootsie would be there waiting for him to take care of him until I could be there to take care of them both when it is my time to see them again one day....

It may seem odd to some.....but it has given me some peace today....I miss him still and have cried again today....and will prolly cry again at some point tomorrow...maybe even the next day too...but at least I feel calmer knowing him loved me enough to come back and let me know he is okay....that helps a great deal.

As always, to be continued.......

TIRED AND MISSING MY BABY

Still sad and still trying to deal with missing my baby....but still loving the new laptop. In a few days I will have a new router that should allow me to go online while laying comfortably in bed ..been waiting along time for this machine.

We are all hanging in there...I hardly slept last night and when I did, I dreamt about Sylvester...I saw him wondering around looking lost...and meowing as if calling out for me...or perhaps for his brother Tigger.

Poor Tigger keeps wondering around looking for him....as if he is hiding and waiting to pounce as he always did....it makes me cry over and over again...

More tomorrow...going to try to get some rest and forget for awhile...

As always, to be continued..................TI

BROKEN HEART

Today we are all feeling very sad here. I haven't posted in months and I am sure no one comes to read this anymore but I need to type and vent. A few months ago, at the end of April, we lost our dear sweet bootsie....and I still miss her every single day. She wasn't just a cat...she was a beloved member of our family for 19 years...She had a good long life and it was sad to see her go but we knew it was time to send her to heaven where she could be free and without pain.

I had my mind made up that we wouldn't get any more pets...because we all get so attached and I am the one that has to deal with all the bad stuff and everything that comes with that. We only lasted a few weeks and we had two lovely kittens come into our life that were barn cats and needed a caring home.....so of course I caved and we took them both. We have only had them for about 7 weeks...

Today we had to take Sylvester to the vet. He has been having some problems for about a week now...and we were worried we were feeding him the wrong food or something. We were in NO way prepared for the diagnosis we received. It turns out the poor little guy had a misformed bowel from birth and there was nothing they could do to save him. He was starting to suffer (which is why we took him to the vet) and she told us that his pain would only increase until he suffered a painful death...which we could not allow.

She assured us that death was certain...and that he would only get worse so we were forced to do the only humane thing and put him to sleep. As I sit here typing, my heart is broken...and I am once again crying. I only had a few short months with him....but I loved him with every ounce of love in my heart and I shall miss him forever and always...

We made the only decision that we could for a family member we will love for all time...but that doesn't make it an easy one does it?

The only good news of the weekend is that we finally bought a laptop last night...my hernia has gotten so bad that I can't go on the desktop because it kills me to even sit there for a few minutes...hopefully this will be the answer...keeping my fingers crossed that having some access to the internet again will improve my mindset...although today hasn't helped at all to be sure...

I will be back again....have sooooooooo much to share but no energy to do it right now...

Not as always.,..but eventually, to be continued..lol

R.I.P MY FRIENDS

This week has been a long, hard one for us . Tuesday night as I waited for the gnome to get home from bowling the phone rang and I saw it was my Mom's number calling. As I reached to answer, I said a quick prayer that she was okay (as loosing her is among my greatest fears). She was calling to tell me that my Uncle had a massive heart attack and was dead. It has come as a shock to us all. He was only 64 and there wasn't really any warning this was coming...but I am glad he went quickly and didn't linger on.

Last night was his wake. It wasn't easy but I am really glad I was able to go. It was good to see everyone even though it was for such a tragic occasion.

Today was a day that I had been dreading for a long time. My dearest friend is the world has gone to heaven to be an angel (next to the gnome of course).

Bootsie was 19 years old and was the best pet I could have ever asked for. She came to me when she was only a few weeks old because some sicko threw her in the snow bank and left her to die. I came across her and took her in. It was certainly their loss because she was a devoted and loving friend until the very end. Unfortunately, her health took a turn over the last few days and I couldn't let her suffer. I loved her way too much to see her continue, so today I took her to the vet and ended her pain.

Heaven has 2 more angels this week....and my heart is broken.

I love you Uncle John...and to my dear sweet Bootsie, I will think of you every day and love you forever. We will be together again one day, so wait for me in heaven my friend.

As always, to be continued.........................

A QUICK HOWDY

I don't know where the time goes....I can't believe I haven't posted in 2 months. I honestly have meant to....the days just seem to slip away from me...guess that is a sign of old age..lmao.

Things are chugging along here...I am still working at the dollar store and that has really helped things a lot. Getting out of the house has made a big difference (as I figured it would..lol). As with every job, it has it's ups and downs...it isn't always easy dealing with fellow co-workers and their moods...but overall there are more ups than downs...so that it is for the best!!!

The gremlins and gnome are all doing well. Gremlin #1 will be 17 on the 26th of this month. The same day is my bday too but my old age isn't even worth mentioning...lol. I don't know where the years go...it's so hard to believe that my little gremlin will be 17......it seems like just yesterday I was sitting in the living room with her and #2 listening to Barney and begging for 5 minutes of peace and quiet...which I never did manage to get...lmao.

Well if anyone does come to read this, I will be back again soon. I do promise not to be gone quite so long this time...

My thoughts, prayers and love are with you all...

As always, to be continued...........

BELATED HAPPY 2009

Wowzers....I can't believe how long it has been since I have posted here. I do not know where the time since Christmas has gone.

First, let me send out best wishes to anyone that stops in to read this....I hope you are all having a wonderful and healthy 2009. So far, this year is getting off to a MUCH better start than 2008 did (although I find it hard to believe it could have been that much worse...lol).

I am still working at the dollar store thank GOD and that has made such a huge difference in my life. I have felt sort of guilty because I have been getting hours weekly and the other xmas girl they hired isn't getting any hours at all....but then I remind myself that this job has been my life line and for that reason, I need the hours more than she ever could.

I work with a great bunch of people and I love them all dearly (all except one that I shall refer to as Mrs B...and yes B does equal BITCH...LOL) More about her to follow another day...haha.

The gnome and gremlins are all well and we had a good holiday season....the grandparents spoiled both gremlins like crazy...which always makes for a fun time..lmao.

I am still working a few hrs a week in "hell" also. I look forward to the day when I can quit that job.....but that will have to wait until things are a little more stable at the dollar store.

The only sad news I have to report is that my old cat is getting ready to give up the ghost. Her health has taken a turn for the worse and I fear we will be going to visit a vet within the next week or 2 to have her put down. She is 19 and has lived a good long life.....but we shall all miss her greatly.

I have missed you all and plan to get back to posting regularly. Sorry I have been away so long. My love to you all and I will stop in to your blogs and say hi over the next few days.

As always, to be continued....................

A QUICK HELLO TO ALL

Hello to ev1

Just a quick hello to let anyone that stops in that I AM still alive and kicking.....

What a whirlwind couple of months it has been...I have been working like crazy, enjoying the new job and trying to get the darkness under control. The new job at the dollar store has been a blessing and has made SUCH a big difference in my mind set.

I have spent 2 months working with a great bunch of gals that make me giggle and laugh almost every single day I work...what a gift that has been!!! More importantly, I have made friends...that have managed to fight off the loneliness and allowed me to see the light on the other side of the tunnel.

It has been a long dark road...and it isn't a journey I have enjoyed...but I have learned some very important lessons and been reminded that I am loved...and God is listening to me, even if I don't get the answer I need right away everything DOES happen the way HE wants it to...

I will be back soon...off to work another long day...woooohooooooo

As always, to be continued...........

HUNTING AND BOATING

I have absolutely noooooo idea where the last week has gone....I am not sure if that is a good or bad sign..lmao.

Finally took the bull by the horns and got out job hunting last week. I had 2 interviews both of which ended in a job offer.

The one I accepted is casual work at a dollar store in town..it might not sound like much but I have a good vibe about it and I am actually looking forward to getting started.

Got all my fingers and toes crossed here....

Went on a boat cruise yesterday on MY river...sometimes I forget how much that river restores and rejuvenates me...only wish I lived closer now...but it was still great to see it again...

Took some nice pics...will post them over the next few days..

As always, to be continued.....

TUESDAY FOLLIES

I have seen this funny many times...and it makes me giggle every single time...so thought I would pass it along..lmao

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

As always, to be continued.........

AUTUMN ARRIVES

It must be fall in Canada...

leaves are turning colours...the nights are getting colder...

And in the last week, both gremlins and the gnome have shared a cold..

And guess who woke up with it this morning???

Man oh man, it is the momma bear that gets to have all the fun..lmaoooooooo

As always (even if no one listens..lol) to be continued....

MOM VS MOMMY

Did anyone know that when gremlins get sick...no matter how old they are, they still always want their Mommy...lol

On Thursday, I had to go pick up #2 from school because he was sick and they felt he had a fever...so Mommy to the rescue of course...

Today #1 woke up with it and the poor thing looks just dreadful...and as much as I hate to see her feeling this poorly, I can't help but smile a bit too...

She is 16 now...and it is always "oh Mommmmmmm this..." or oh Mommmm that..." as she rolls her eyes at the same time...

But today, my dear baby gremlin is really sick...so for today, I am once again Mommy...the one that can protect her and help her until she feels better again...and show her the proper amount of sympathy too of course...lmao.

It isn't nice to have sick gremlins...but it IS nice to be " Mommy" again...for a short while at least...lol

As always, to be continued......

FIRST DAY SURVIVOR

OKKKKKKKK SURVIVED THE FIRST SHIFT OF THE NEW JOB

IS TELEMARKETING...GREAT BOSS BUT NOT SURE HOW LONG I CAN DO THIS

WILL TALK MORE ABOUT IT WHEN I CAN BREATHE AGAIN..LOL

as always, to be continued...........

CHICKEN LITTLE IN CANADA

Today I pose a question...which is simply this???

Am I the only one that gets scared like a chicken shit when change occurs???

I got a second job today...starting it tomorrow. It is telemarketing out of my home...which makes me nervous even though I have retail and sales experience.

I know this should be a good thing...they guy seems nice...but after talking on the phone to him for about 15 minutes he hired me...

Now my thoughts are...if this job ISN'T terrible why is the guy so hard up for help??? Am I about to get screwed yet again???

I guess time will tell...

As always, to be continued.............