Sunday, September 9, 2007

SOAP OPERA SUNDAY - THE END OF BILL


Hello all and welcome to another installment of SOS...I hated to miss last week and leave y'all hanging but holidays became overwhelming...and getting the gremlins ready for school of course...lol.


It has been awhile so for those of you that want to review what happened or for newcomers check out the story of Bill -
part 1,part 2, part 3 , and part 4. Also, stop by to see brillig and kate...their SOS tales are more than worth the stop.


When last we spoke, I had just run away from Bill after a "ferris wheel" of a day and a rather forceful encounter....


After that night,I did as my life experiences had taught me to do....I hid. I went into my self protective shell and didn't let anyone in. I hid in my room and rarely went outside. I "licked my wounds" and wished so desperately I had someone to talk to. But I knew no one would understand...because to make them understand, I would have to devulge my secret and I wasn't prepared to do that yet.


After a few weeks, I got some perspective and was able to admit to myself that I had over-reacted. Slowly, my fear dissipated and I knew I had to face Bill...and to find some way of explaining what had happened. I wanted to see him so desperately ...my heart ached for him.


I was still terribly unsure and afraid, so I decided my first step was to call him, thinking maybe it would be easier than facing him. After a few deep breaths, I worked up the courage and dialed his number...but he wasn't home. After a few more attempts that afternoon,I knew that I was not going to have any luck. Fate was not going to make this easy for me...but I was determined to make things right and give Bill the explanation he deserved.


The next day, I decided to take the bull by the horns and go see Bill. As I walked to his house, I was so nervous I couldn't stop shaking and thought I might even pass out....but somehow I made it. Unfortunately, when I arrived Bill wasn't home...although his very grumpy mother WAS there to greet me at the door...and it was plain that she was NOT impressed to see me on her doorstep. I summoned up all my strength and tried to at least LOOK confident while I asked her to please tell Bill I had stopped by to see him...and could she please ask Bill to call me when he got home.


I walked home feeling shaken and discouraged. It had taken every bit of courage I had to make myself go over there and I was really disappointed that I hadn't managed to see Bill..and to talk to him.


I remember waiting all night, hoping against hope that he would call. My friends invited me to go to the movies that night but I stayed home, not wanting to miss Bill's call . I waited for that call for 3 days before I finally admitted to myself that Bill was not going to call me...and who could blame him?? Bill didn't know anything about my demons...I am sure he thought I was just a tease or some kind of freak. I thought about just giving up...I considered it but decided Bill meant enough to me that I was going to give it one more shot.


My friend P called and said the gang was headed to a dance at one of the local schools. My first instincts were to tell her I couldn't go...but thought it might do me some good to get out and relax for the evening...I always have loved to dance and still do.


It was a nice night out...summer was winding down and there was a light breeze. As we walked along and joked, I could feel myself relaxing and was having a great time. By the time we arrived at the dance, I felt better than I had all week...and I felt a renewed sense of hope....that somehow everything was going to be ok.


There was a good turn out and everyone was glad to see each other...seeing those we hadn't see all summer...friends full of stories of their summer adventures..


The gym was dark as we entered and the music blared. Some of the group immediately started to dance...while the rest of us started to circulate around the room. P grabbed me and we started to dance in our goofy, nutty sorta way (although at the time I thought we were pretty good...lol).


After awhile, the first slow song of the evening came on so we headed off the dance floor. As I stood there, watching the couples swaying and humming along with the music....I looked up and there he was.....Bill was up on the dance floor slow dancing .


I was filled with excitement and dread at the same time. I felt like someone had kicked me in the gut but had hope because Bill was here...and I could actually see him...and he still took my breath away. I waited nervously for the dance to end then followed Bill as he headed off the dance floor. I didn't know what I was going to say but I knew I had to see him...talk to him..and hopefully make him understand.


He wandered out of the gym with his dance partner and I followed, not giving myself time to reconsider or think about what I was doing.


When I reached the door, it took my eyes a few seconds to adjust and in that time Bill vanished. I had no idea which way he had gone. After a bit of searching, I began to panic that maybe he had left and I had again missed my chance to plead my case to him. I was feeling hot and flustered so I decided to go outside and get some fresh air. I knew there was a bench out there and thought I needed a few minutes of solitude to think about my next step.


I headed outside in my own world...my stomach was full of butterflies and I wanted to see Bill again so badly. I wasn't paying attention as I rounded the corner or I might have seen what was coming a bit sooner.


As I looked up, I saw them...in the darkness sitting on the bench making out ,were Bill and his dance partner. I just stood there frozen on the spot....I couldn't move or look away. I wanted to say something...to scream at them...to run away...but I couldn't seem to do any of those things. After a few seconds, which lasted a life time to me, they came up for air and saw me standing there.


Bill realized it was me and stood up immediately. He looked flustered and a little embarrassed . He introduced me to his girlfriend . As tears started to well up in my eyes, I turned and walked away. I didn't want them to see me crying but I was dying inside...my heart was broken.


I went inside and found P to tell her I was leaving . She saw what a mess I was and started to walk me home. Once I calmed down a bit, she admitted that she had seen them together a few days earlier and wondered if they were together.


I was devastated but did what I always did..I hid. I convinced myself that I deserved to be hurt...that I wasn't good enough for anyone to love me...and this had happened because of my fears...so I couldn't even bring myself to hate Bill. I knew it had all been my fault...I had pushed him away.


It wasn't too long after that school started. Luckily Bill was a year ahead of me and started high school so I didn't have to see him every day. Unfortunately, we both still played in a few orchestras together so I couldn't avoid him completely. Bill and his girlfriend stayed together for most of that year. Everytime I saw them together, it felt like someone stabbed me in the chest...but it lessened as time passed and life rolled on.


I still think of Bill often and he will always have a special place in my heart as the boy who gave me my first kiss and showed me that I COULD feel love...that is something I had seriously doubted until I met Bill, so he is still a special memory to me.


A funny side note, when the gnome and I were on our very first date...after a nice dinner, we headed to a local bar. There was a band playing and as the gnome and I danced, I looked up and guess who the drummer of the band was ....BILL!!! I kid you not. When the band had a break, Bill came and sat with us and I introduced him to the gnome and explained it was our first date.....then told the gnome that Bill was my first boyfriend...luckily the gnome wasn't the jealous type..lol. It might have something to do with the fact that Bill and I spent the entire conversation talking about our kids...lmao. It was still good to see him and have a good chuckle.


Thanks for the walk down memory lane. This has been a hard story to write because some of the emotions it stirred up are still raw (about my childhood hell not Bill..lol). I hope y'all didn't think it was too dorky...lmao.


See ya next SOS....


As always, to be continued...............


12 comments:

Kateastrophe said...

What a great soap opera story! I'm sorry it was hard for you to write but I'm glad you did because I really enjoyed reading it!

Fourier Analyst said...

Speaking from experience, this is a great forum for sharing those touchy experiences that you have some difficulty talking about. Hope that you haven't stirred up too much that you are not yet ready to think about. But the story of Bill and his role in your life is very touching. It's good that you can recognize how important he was to you at such a vulnerable time.

Thalia's Child said...

fantastic conclusion.

Phoenix5 said...

That was a very "soap opera-ish" ending! Well written, my friend! I very clearly remember thinking that high school was one long soap opera for most of my friends. Who needed to watch the TV soaps when you had my friends and their tortured attempts at relationships to watch everyday? LOL!

soccer mom in denial said...

I find it amazing how people keep popping up in these SOSs. Your story is heartbreaking.

Thanks for this story.

Jen said...

I agree with SMID - your story is heartbreaking, but otoh you were able to reach out to Bill for awhile and you were both SO young. Many kids make all sorts of mistakes at that age. And I'm so sorry you went through a hell of a childhood.

Dedee said...

I wonder sometimes if there is a person like that in everyones life. A person that comes along at the right moment and, if we are paying attention, shows us that there is something better. I know that those people exist in my life and your story, as heartbreaking as it was, reminded me of that. I'm glad he existed for you at that time.

Alekx said...

I'm just amused he was a drummer and didn't turn into a geeky computer nerd or something you know with a pocket protector and everything

Great story. :-)

captain corky said...

Thanks for sharing it with us! I enjoyed it. Is the next chapter the part where you fall in love with Captain Corky? ;)

Jewels said...

Just wanted to say "Thanks" for coming to my Blog and wishing me a Happy Birthday! Super thoughtful, that was so sweet. Thank you!!

Burfica said...

I know it all worked out the way it was supposed too. and it was an amazing story.

But I have to say he was a chump, and didn't deserve you, cuz you da bomb. hehehehehhee

Canadian flake said...

kate - glad ya liked the story.

fourier - I agree with you completely.


thalia - thanks for stopping in ...glad you liked it.

phoenix - yup highschool gave me enough material for SOS for awhile..lol.

soccer mom - thanks. glad you liked it.

jen - thanks...it wasn't easy but is sure taught me a lot.

dedee- thanks...I am glad too.

alekx - nope he never went geeky..lol. The geek in my life is the gnome..lmao.

corky - you know I luvesssss ya baby..you the sexy trekkie..how can ya beat that?? LOL.

jewels - yw..hope it was a great bday.

burfica - thanks hon..love ya lots!!!