SOAP OPERA SUNDAY

Well ladies and gents...here we are again at another Soap Opera Sunday...where has the week gone??? LOL. Again, thanks for all SOS goes to brillig and kate..so please check them out also.......also here is last weeks SOS incase someone missed it and is wondering what I am babbling about here...


When last we spoke, I had just come home from my first dance with Bill.

After a long weekend spent dreaming of Bill and our dances together, I could not wait for Monday to arrive. For once, I was up early and ready to fly out the door to get to school because I couldn't wait to see him. My sister seemed to sense my excitement so, of course, she felt the need to move even slower (the sick minded PITA she is..lol)

The walk to school was a short one but I never thought we would arrive. As I rushed ahead along the last block, I walked onto the school yard and immediately began my search. It only took me a few minutes to find him and as I did, I became frozen. I couldn't breathe or even think straight...my head was full of thoughts .. should I go over to see him?? If I do, what should I say?? Will he think I am a dork?

As I stood there staring, he and a group of his friends starting walking towards me. As they came closer he looked up and our eyes met. Instantly, time stood still (in that 14 yr old teenage puppy love sorta way). The closer he came, the harder it became to breathe.

When the group finally got close enough that I could hear what they were saying, they were giving him a hard time...how could he slow dance with a younger girl than he was...and if he WAS going to dance with someone, why would he pick someone that looked like that ( I was after all, fat and ugly...I still am but that is another post..lol). As they continued their tirade, he just listened, red faced and silent. The group brushed by me,sending a few nasty nick names my way to drive the point home that they WERE infact talking about me.

Hearing those words didn't shock me but they hurt...as they always did. It wasn't the first time I had heard them. What broke my heart was that he let them say them and didn't say anything..... To me, his silence was worse than their words.

He had given me hope by choosing to dance with me that special night...for the first time in my life I allowed myself to dream that someone might care about me...then in one conversation, that dream was gone...all hope was smashed. I think having hope and having it smashed is harder than never having it at all.

I turned and walked away because there were tears in my eyes and I didn't want to give him the pleasure of seeing me cry. I walked around that day like a zombie, just wanting to survive the day so I could get home and lick my wounds. I felt so stupid.....for letting him in....for believing in a boy in a way I never had before...more importantly for allowing myself to believe in the future, for that was something my home life had never allowed me to do. I couldn't afford the luxury of dreams as all my energy was needed to survive. This was the first time I had let my guard down just a bit and in one swoop he had crushed what little hope and possibility I had allowed myself to feel.

The hardest part of that day was at the end of school...because we had band practise. As I mentioned at the beginning of this story, that is where my infatuation with Bill began. Watching him play those drums turned my insides to mush and I just didn't think I could take it on this particular day. I thought about playing sick or ditching practise, but we had an important year end festival coming up and I knew that wouldn't go over well.

I walked into the room with my head down trying NOT to look his way. It was a small room so even though I didn't look, I could sense he was there. I wanted to look at him badly and ignore him completely in equal measure. Mercifully, band practise started and that took my attention for the next 45 min or so...(music has always been my salvation , but again that is another post).

As practise came to an end and we started packing up, I looked up and there he was...sitting there watching me. As hurt as I was, I found myself staring back and smiling...I couldn't help myself. With Bill, it was an impulse I couldn't resist....like a moth to a flame. Even though he had hurt me so deeply earlier in the morning, he still took my breathe away and gave me butterflies when he looked at me that way.

He started to walk toward me. As he approached, he looked like he wanted to say something. At this point, his best friend Rob stepped in and pulled him away...and just like that, he was gone.

I packed up and headed home feeling beaten and dejected. As I thought of roller coaster I had ridden that day, I felt sad and angry. Sad for the unfulfilled possibilites that I had dreamed of that very morning walking to school...and angry because I had LET him hurt me. I had allowed him to come inside my stone wall....where no other boy had been allowed....and he hurt me. I felt more angry at myself...for letting him in and for letting myself believe and dream....

I headed home and went straight to my room to hide (which is what I did every day to survive).. After picking at my dinner and helping clean up, I went back to my room. As I layed there, I remembered looking out the window and dreaming just a few short nights ago. I began to cry ,feeling so alone and discouraged. My mom called up and told me I had company at the door. I couldn't imagine who it might be....I didn't want to see anyone. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself.

I wiped my tears and headed downstairs. I figured I would tell whoever it was that I was sick and get away from them as quickly as possible. After all, I had some heavy duty pouting to get back to.

As I turned to corner and opened the door, nothing could have prepared me for what I saw. Standing there, looking me in the eye was Bill...

What could he possibly want???

*insert sappy SOS music here*... tune in next week to find out

As always, to be continued...............