SOAP OPERA SUNDAY

Welcome my fine friends to another addition of SOS. Remember to stop by brillig's and kate's blogs as SOS is their creation and their blogs are a great read.

When last we spoke, Bill had just shown up at my door after breaking my heart....(if you missed the beginning of the story, here is part 1 and part 2).

As I stood there at the door I could do nothing but stare into Bill's eyes. I seemed to be frozen in time. As much as I wanted to turn away, I just couldn't. I couldn't even breathe.I was torn....I wanted to be with Bill...to just spend time with him. But at the same time, I wanted to hurt him as badly as he hurt me.

After taking a few deep breaths , I managed a quiet hello. I looked down because I knew that if I continued to stare into his eyes, I would melt and all my resolve would disappear. As memory serves, the conversation went something like this :

me- ummmmm hi

Bill - errrrrrrrrrr hi

(awkward silence where I distinctly remember thinking his eyes were the most gorgious shade of blue I had ever seen...no nooooo you ARE pissed at this goddess...)

At this point, my survival "don't screw with me" instincts kick in...

bill - soooooo whatcha doin??

me- (sounding sorta snarky) I am sorta busy....so what do ya want?

bill - I was wondering if you would take a walk with me...

I wanted to be strong. I wanted to tell him to go jump in the river and sink to the bottom...but again, I made the mistake of looking up into those beautiful eyes and all my resolve wafted away and deserted me in my hour of need.I didn't trust myself to speak so I just nodded and followed him out the door.

In my mind, I started to plot how I was gonna hurt him. I was gonna make him pay for crushing my dreams and then I would have the last laugh.

As we started to walk down the street, the sun was setting and it was starting to get dark. We walked quietly for a few blocks as my mind turned and plotted but no matter how I tried, I couldn't think of anything intelligent or whitty to say. I was so nervous I was shaking and it never once occurred to me that he might also be nervous. He always seemed so confident...so sure of himself...like the goddess I knew he was.

Finally, we got to a nearby park and decided to sit on a bench under a big willowy tree. After a few minutes of silence, Bill finally looked up....looked me straight in the eye and said that he was sorry for what had happened at school. I was so shocked to hear those words that all I could do was stare at him. My mouth was open but I couldn't seem to speak.

All the emotions of the day came rushing back, hitting me like a tidal wave. I looked down because I knew I was going to cry and I didn't want him to see my tears.

It was at this moment that Bill did something that still amazes me to this day. As we sat there, Bill reached over and gently held my hand as I cried. He didn't say anything or try to tell me not to cry. Somehow he knew that I needed to let these tears escape so he just sat beside me and let me cry until all my tears were spent. This was pretty remarkable and mature of him considering he was barely 15 and I loved him even more for it. It wasn't until I was an adult that it dawned on me that he simply might have been clueless as to what to say, so he remained silent (a lesson many MEN could learn but that is surely another post..lol)

After awhile, we stood up and started to walk again. As we quietly strolled along, darkness fell . It was a warm, clear night and there was a sky full of stars overhead. We didn't say much...but somehow it didn't seem to matter. The shyness and awkwardness were gone . For a short time, we were alone in our own world and nothing else mattered. Bill slid his hand into mine. I smiled and my fingers tingled at his touch. I didn't know where we were walking. I didn't care. I was just happy to let him lead. At that moment, all was right with the world and I would have followed him to the end of the earth.

Somehow, we found our way down to the river and strolled along the shoreline. It was so quiet and I could hear the water lapping against the rocks at the rivers edge. It didn't take us long to reach "the point". This was a place along the river that I knew well. It was one of my favourite places because it was beautiful and peaceful and a great place to just think about life. As I stood there with Bill, we both looked out over the water. The river was calm and the moonlight shimmered over the water. I felt Bill slip his arm around me and somehow I was in his arms. In that instant, all the bad was forgotten and forgiven. I was in heaven and felt like I was floating on the water instead of standing at its edge.

My heart was beating so hard I felt sure Bill could feel it. I buried my face in his chest and tried to calm myself but that close contact only made my breathing more laboured. Bill reached down and with a light touch to my chin, raised my face to look into his. He looked straight into my eyes and told me how sorry he was. He didn't make alot of excuses....just said that he knew he hurt me and that he was sorry. As I stood there, trying to think of something to say, he leaned down to kiss me but I pulled away from him.

As I look back now at this moment in my life, I know it was the stuff romance novels are made of.....standing on the shore listening to the glistening water...alone under a star-filled sky...with the boy I had loved and admired from afar for a long time....but I just couldn't kiss him.

In that second, an iron gate slammed shut that Bill (or any boy) couldn't penitrate. I felt embarrassed and flustered and again had NO idea how to explain to Bill why I had pulled away. Bill had no way of seeing the wounds that I nursed in silence. It was the hell that was my life. It was my shameful secret that I shared with no one...especially not Bill!!

We started to head back home. The walk home was again a silent stroll but this time it was filled with insecurities and awkwardness. I wanted so badly to tell him that it wasn't him...that I loved him and wanted so badly to kiss him. But I couldn't tell him, any more than I could let him close enough to kiss me. I had a protective shield in place that NO male could lower...I hated it but it was a necessity of survival.

All too quickly, we arrived at the corner of my street. The same corner he had walked me to that first night after the dance. We stood there awhile unsure what to say or do. After a few minutes Bill just said "ok well I better go...see ya". As he turned to go, I grabbed his arm and he turned back. Bill gazed into my eyes and I looked up at him and smiled. I thanked him for the walk and told him I had a good time. Bill smiled back and said that he would see me tomorrow at school, then walked away.

As I stood there watching him go, I wondered what the next day would bring. This day had been such a rollercoaster. It had started out with so many hopes and dreams...then came such sadness and anger....then it ended with a walk that seemed like a dream. As Bill turned the corner and was gone from my sight, I tried to remind myself not to get my hopes up.

Tomorrow was another day and he might hurt me again if I trusted him too much. The nasty words and jeers spoken by his friends still echoed in my head.

But no matter what happened the next day, I knew one thing. This evening had been a night I would never forget. It had been magical in a way that, to that point, I had only dreamed of and never expected would really happen...for that, I owed Bill a debt of gratitude and he would always hold a special place in my heart...

But what would happen tomorrow at school?????

(cue sappy SOS music)

Tune in next week folks......

As always, to be continued....................