Thursday, August 23, 2007


Welcome all to another installment of Soap Opera Sunday. Please forgive the early posting....I wanted to post this installment before we left on holidays today. Make sure to stop by and see brillig and Kate to check out SOS. If any of you want to join in the fun, feel free. Both brillig and Kate will link your SOS and it is a blast.

When last we spoke, Bill had just apologized and we had a magical walk....

The next day, I was so filled with nervousness I could hardly eat or even think straight. I was torn between wanting to fly to school and wanting to run away and hide. I was so afraid that he would cave and hurt me again ...and I just couldn't take more disappointment from him.

The day was dark and overcast. I remember this clearly because it had been raining and by the time I arrived at school, I was wet and miserable. The school yard was deserted as everyone ran for cover from the mist that continued to fall. As I stepped around the corner of the building, there stood Bill in the middle of the yard waiting for me. I froze.....again unsure if I wanted to proceed or run away and hide. Some how I mustered the strength to walk over to him but I wouldn't allow myself to crack a smile. My mental "armor" was in place and I was ready to strike back if he took the first swing.

As I approached him, he smiled and as I went weak in the knees, my armor started to crumble. He reached out and took my hand as we walked into the school together. That single action spoke volumes to me and I floated through the rest of the day, dreaming about him.

From that day on, we were inseparable. We saw each other every day....he walked me home from school whenever possible...and we spent every weekend together. Usually, we were together in a group of friends....but we still managed to steal away for a little alone time whenever possible. Bill wasn't much of a talker but that was ok...we were comfortable just being together. We would take long walks holding hands and for me that was enough. It was so wonderful to finally feel loved .

Once the school year ended, Bill and I were able to spend everyday together...our group swam or went to the movies. One fateful Saturday, we all decided to go to a fair that was in town. It was a beautiful sunny day and we were all in high spirits.

When we arrived, everyone scattered and went their own way. Bill and I wandered around for awhile and finally decided it would be fun to go on the ferris wheel. As we waited in line, Bill slid his arm around me and pulled me close. If I had been thinking straight, my radar might have warned me something was up...but it felt so good to be with him and it was such a wonderful day that I just ignored what my gut was feeling.

We got onto the ride and the view was breath taking as the fairgrounds looked over the river. After a few turns, the ferris wheel stopped to let off some other riders. Bill and I were stopped at the very top and as I sat back to enjoy the view patiently, Bill again put his arm around me and pulled me closer to him.

Suddenly, something in his eyes told me what was happening and it sent my mind reeling. I had never been kissed by a boy and I honestly didn't know if I even knew how. Everything seemed to happen in slow motion...his face moved in and all I could think was "please God don't let him think I am a TOTAL loser".

His lips brushed lightly against mine and I sat there frozen...unsure what to do next. I looked down feeling shy and insecure . Bill gently raised my chin and looked deep into my eyes. His were full of love and reassurance so I smiled at him and then snuggled close for the rest of the ride. If I could have, I would have made that ride last forever.

The rest of the afternoon was a blur and I was sad to see it come to an end. For me, it had been a magical day and I didn't want to go home. As the group met up, we headed home. Everyone seemed in good spirits after a fun filled but exhausting day.

The walk home was a quiet one for Bill and I but the days events had made me feel more in tune to him. As we got closer to my house, we said our good byes to everyone and headed off so we could be alone . We stopped at the corner of my street for some idle chit chat. I kept hesitating, trying to keep Bill there longer not wanting to let him go.

When finally Bill said he really had to get going I smiled and said I understood. I waited for him to turn, suddenly feeling shy and insecure again. Bill leaned down to kiss me again...and I knew I wanted him to. This time however, his kiss was different. It wasn't a soft brush against my lips but a direct kiss. Bill's mouth was more forceful and demanding this time in a way that scared me. As I tried to pull away, Bill grabbed me and pulled me closer not allowing me to escape...kissing me even harder.

As I pushed away and gasped for air, inside I was screaming. I had to run away...I wanted to scream at him but somehow the words couldn't escape.....I couldn't let them out. To Bill, this kiss had been a natural me, it had been an attack. Like a tidal wave hitting me, this kiss made me feel like I was drowning...

Of course, Bill had no way of knowing what was wrong with me. I wanted to tell him so badly....I wanted to say "it's not's me".....I wanted to share the HELL that was my life...and the nightmares I was forced to endure and hide from... I wanted to say it all to him but I just couldn't. The one thing I had learned from the horrors of my homelife was that telling was something I couldn't do. The shame and embarrasement that accompanied my deepest secret was something I would carry for a long time. In an instant, that kiss transported me back in my mind to a place where I was unloved....unsafe...and unwanted...that place being my family.

There was so much I wanted to explain to Bill at that moment and to this day, I still wish I had been honest. Not because it might have changed the way things transpired with Bill, but more importantly I might have found someone who could have helped me escape a lot sooner.

Instead, I did what I had learned to do from an early age...I ran. I left Bill and ran away from him...both physically and emotionally....As I ran down the street crying, I had no idea what the future would hold...would Bill ever forgive me??? Would I ever be able to find the strength to tell Bill the truth about why I ran away??? Somehow I doubted it...

Only time will tell I guess.........

As always, to be continued...............


soccer mom in denial said...

Your description of hurt and fear left me breathless. Safe travels this weekend.

And I look forward to reading more sudsy tales.

Thalia's Child said...

Your description of that second kiss and how it made you feel left me breathless! Well written!

Kateastrophe said...

Oh my word, stab me through the heart!

what an amazing first kiss you had . . . and I'm sorry about the second one!!

Ooooh I've got the chills!

Brillig said...

Oh, wow, CF. This is incredible stuff. I wish you'd been able to tell him what was up with you--he might have helped to rescue you from what sounds like an agonizing homelife. Still, I see you now and I feel your strength and know that somehow you escaped. Can't wait for more of your stories.

Jen said...

Oh my goodness, CF, what a sad but powerful story. I'm glad you had Bill in your life for that happy period, though.

You absolutely capture the conflicted feelings of teens, even those without horrendous home lives. I'm so sorry you had such a rough time growing up.

Great SOS writing.

Dedee said...

I alway finish your posts with my breath taken away.

Amazing story!

Summer said...

That ending breaks my heart, but I need to hear more!

Kelly said...

Really well written! I can't wait for the next installment.