UGHHHHHHHHHHH

Right now I am scared...and confused...and not sure how we are gonna get out of the financial quicksand that we are in right now....

The logical part of my brain says...it will be okay...we have a roof over our heads..we have faced worse than this...we have climbed bigger hills than this one...

But tonight logic isn't winning out...fear is...

When the gnome lost his job and had to get a new one...we also lost our drug plan. The problem is that all 4 of us have prescription drugs that we HAVE to take to survive...and it is getting to the point that we might have to choose between buying the needed drugs and paying our rent.

Unfortunately the stupid ass that is our landlord it the one that caused this mess in the first place and won't give a damn that we can't afford both. We aren't talking about cheap drugs...but they are necessary...

Anyone got a tent that we can use???? I can't even giggle at that...but maybe tomorrow things will look better..

I sure as heck hope so...

As always, to be continued........

P.S. Sorry to anyone that wishes to leave a comment...I have had to add word verification to cut down on the crap and spam I am getting in the comment box....please still leave your comments and they always make me smile..

CASHIER OR BARTENDER????

I think I have decided that I am glad I didn't delete this blog...

It is now the only place where I can rant and rave and not worry about who cares ...I can't even do that on facebook now because I made the mistake of adding my mom and my boss ..LOL.

I have mentioned before that I have worked retail for more than 20 years...and without trying to sound too arrogant, I am pretty darn good at it...but my big mouth does tend to get me in trouble from time to time...

I had to giggle the other day when I was on cash...I was being friendly and chatting with an older lady as I put through her items...smiled and wished her a good day as she headed out into the sunshine. The lady that was next in line had stood and listened to our conversation then said she just HAD to ask me if I had ever been a bartender . After 20 plus years, I thought I had heard just about every question there was...but this one took me back a moment. When I said no , she said that she had wondered because in the minute or 2 that I had helped the old lady, I had managed to get more personal information out of her than most people tell their doctors...

I just smiled and again wished this gal a nice day and off she went...but the more I thought about her comments, the more I found them rather rude!! After all, I was just listening to the lady and being nice, not pumping her for info so I could swindle her out of her life savings...

I have said many times that I think everyone should have to work with the public at some point in their life...even for a little while...thinking that maybe it would make people more likely to be friendly to the cashiers, waitresses and gas attendants of the world...but now I think that isn't necessarily the case.

I think "we are what we learn"...I think that people are who they are and while it would be nice to think everyone is always going to be pleasant and friendly....no one is perfect and I would be lying if I said I was never a little short with someone because I was not feeling well or having a bad day.

I always try my best to be friendly...to smile at strangers and ALWAYS say please and thank you...it may sound silly and simplistic but you would be AMAZED at the people who can't even say thank you even when you have done everything in your power to be helpful and efficient...

The one thing that makes up for it is that the odd time, someone will comment on how friendly I am and thank me...it might not happen often but it makes up for alot of the rudeness my fellow workers and I have to put up with...

Besides, the rude people give us all something to b*tch about...LOL. That's my story and I'm sticking to it....LOL.

As always, to be continued...............

OLD GRUMPY ME

Am I the only one that looks at myself from time to time and think..."wowwwww am I ever a b&^%*" ??I think I only ask this because I do this and I know I am...

Every now and again I find myself saying something and I think...wooooohhhhh boy who is yapping that way....someone put a muzzle on this chick and tell her to shut up...lol.

I believe the technical term is verbal diarhea...a condition that seems to visit me on a weekly basis (if not a daily basis)...but in my defense I will say it isn't intentional and I do try to be a good person...

I have been trying so hard to behave and keep my mouth shut these days and it sure isn't easy...

Take my job for instance...every time I start to think I am belonging...they pull the rug out from under me...and I wanna screammmmmmm and tell them to smarten up...

After all, I am not perfect...and farrrrrrrrr from it...but I also try my darnedest to always be helpful, friendly and a good hard worker...then I have a day like today that makes me wonder why I even try.

Bosslady was very nice...even when I had to leave early due to illness which I NEVER do... but at the same time, she messed with my schedule for next week so I have almost no hours...

I wanted to swear at her and yell sooooooo bad that I literally cut my tongue from biting it...lucky I had to leave early or I might not have made it...lol.

Verbal diarhea can be a real pain in the...well you know...lol. Anyone got some pepto bismal....

As always, to be continued (even if it isn`t daily...lol).....

LONG TIME,NO TYPE

It has been a longggggg time since I have posted here....

I have gone to the link for this blog a number of times with the intent of deleting it and being done with it....but something stops me everytime.

The logical side of my brain tells me to do it...just click "delete blog" and it will be done that quickly....after all, no one even comes to read it that I know of....but still I can't allow myself to do it...

I started this blog at the urging of an online friend...we had a falling out but I still think of her from time to time...and wonder how life is treating her. This blog was a valuable tool in the beginning...as I fought to find a light in the darkness and a path out of a long never-ending tunnel...this blog gave me a voice to say the things that I was thinking and couldn't vocalize...

I know the gnome's love for me is unconditional and never ending....but until you have been in the depths of depression you can never truly understand how much it isolates you...and it can destroy you if you don't find a voice that allows you to say what you need to say...uncensored ....and an ability to find a way to ask for help...or something to hold on to so you don't sink even deeper...

I was blessed with a very special friend that has helped me more than she will ever know...I tell her everytime I talk to her how much I love her because she is a gift from God and there is no way I would have ever survived this last year without her wisdom, guidance and strength.... she is so brave and amazing...she listens to me endlessly without judgement...supports me always, and calls me on my shit when it is needed...love ya buddy...you are my rock and my angel...

This blog has allowed me to have a voice...I am not done my battle and I am not sure I ever will be...but at least I have gotten to a place where I can once again "fake it" when I am having a bad day...and appreciate the sunshine when I am having a better day!!

I have a few friends that I met through this blog that I now have on facebook ...I enjoy keeping up with their lives that way. If you are reading this and want to be one of those friends, please leave a comment and I can contact you with info how to add me.

Once again, I am here posting...when I need to...I am not ready to hit that "delete blog" button and I am okay with that...

Hope this finds everyone in bloggerland well...

Once again and as always, to be continued................

CALMING DREAMS

Today was a much better day...even the weather decided to co operate and give us a break from all the rain we have been getting.

We went to see my Mom tonight which I always am glad to do....moved away 3 years ago and I still miss her every day as much as I did then.

We are all adjusting to life without Sylvester....although it is hard...but something happened last night that has helped me a lot.

Since we put him down I have been feeling soooooo guilty....the gnome wanted to go to the vet a week ago but I kept stalling because I really didn't think it was anything serious and I didn't want to get roped into spending alot of money that we really can't afford....so of course my first thoughts were that we might have saved him if I had gone right away. The vet assured me that this isn't the case but I have still felt bad....couldn't help thinking what iffff......

Anyway, last night in the middle of the night I felt a soft kitty resting against my side and purring loudly....I reached out to pet Tigger assuming he was there only to find there was nothing there....I got up to go to the bathroom and saw Tigger upstairs so I assumed I had just been dreaming.

When I got back to bed I couldn't sleep...it had seemed so real and vivid. The more I thought about it, the more I came to believe that it was Sylvester laying with me as I slept. He knew that I have been missing him but also been torturing myself with guilt over him....I honestly believe that he came to be with me for a bit...so I would know that he is okay and happy now in heaven. When he went to sleep that last day I told him to go to heaven and reassured him that it would be okay...that Bootsie would be there waiting for him to take care of him until I could be there to take care of them both when it is my time to see them again one day....

It may seem odd to some.....but it has given me some peace today....I miss him still and have cried again today....and will prolly cry again at some point tomorrow...maybe even the next day too...but at least I feel calmer knowing him loved me enough to come back and let me know he is okay....that helps a great deal.

As always, to be continued.......

TIRED AND MISSING MY BABY

Still sad and still trying to deal with missing my baby....but still loving the new laptop. In a few days I will have a new router that should allow me to go online while laying comfortably in bed ..been waiting along time for this machine.

We are all hanging in there...I hardly slept last night and when I did, I dreamt about Sylvester...I saw him wondering around looking lost...and meowing as if calling out for me...or perhaps for his brother Tigger.

Poor Tigger keeps wondering around looking for him....as if he is hiding and waiting to pounce as he always did....it makes me cry over and over again...

More tomorrow...going to try to get some rest and forget for awhile...

As always, to be continued..................TI

BROKEN HEART

Today we are all feeling very sad here. I haven't posted in months and I am sure no one comes to read this anymore but I need to type and vent. A few months ago, at the end of April, we lost our dear sweet bootsie....and I still miss her every single day. She wasn't just a cat...she was a beloved member of our family for 19 years...She had a good long life and it was sad to see her go but we knew it was time to send her to heaven where she could be free and without pain.

I had my mind made up that we wouldn't get any more pets...because we all get so attached and I am the one that has to deal with all the bad stuff and everything that comes with that. We only lasted a few weeks and we had two lovely kittens come into our life that were barn cats and needed a caring home.....so of course I caved and we took them both. We have only had them for about 7 weeks...

Today we had to take Sylvester to the vet. He has been having some problems for about a week now...and we were worried we were feeding him the wrong food or something. We were in NO way prepared for the diagnosis we received. It turns out the poor little guy had a misformed bowel from birth and there was nothing they could do to save him. He was starting to suffer (which is why we took him to the vet) and she told us that his pain would only increase until he suffered a painful death...which we could not allow.

She assured us that death was certain...and that he would only get worse so we were forced to do the only humane thing and put him to sleep. As I sit here typing, my heart is broken...and I am once again crying. I only had a few short months with him....but I loved him with every ounce of love in my heart and I shall miss him forever and always...

We made the only decision that we could for a family member we will love for all time...but that doesn't make it an easy one does it?

The only good news of the weekend is that we finally bought a laptop last night...my hernia has gotten so bad that I can't go on the desktop because it kills me to even sit there for a few minutes...hopefully this will be the answer...keeping my fingers crossed that having some access to the internet again will improve my mindset...although today hasn't helped at all to be sure...

I will be back again....have sooooooooo much to share but no energy to do it right now...

Not as always.,..but eventually, to be continued..lol