Saturday, January 26, 2008

ALL "STRESSED" UP AND NO PLACE TO GO


Forgive my lack of words over the last few days....but we, my dear blogger friends, are in "END OF TERM" HELL....


If the lack of sleep of sleep due to our visitors wasn't enough....we have reached the end of semester in school so gremlin #2 has to write exams. Thank GOD she only has to write 2 out of her 4 classes or I think I might have a nervous breakdown.


Now this is a necessary pitfall of highschool because we all know teachers have to find one final way of torturing these teenage gremlins and monsters for their attitude and bad manners before they send them out into the world....or at least to the next semester with a new batch of teachers to harrass and send to the nuthouse..lmao.


The problem we are having here is that this particular ritual is overly stressful for a gremlin that has a learning disability. The older #2 gets, the harder it all gets and honestly tonight I feel like someone squeezed my head in a vice then pissed all over me for a cheap laugh.


Honestly, as I sit here typing I am so drained and discouraged after spending all day trying to help her study, I have tears streaming down my face. I wasn't going to post but my fingers seem to have a mind of their own as I type.....


It isn't really the exams that are the problem...it is knowing that no matter how much I want for her...how much love I have for her...the same thing always happens...she either barely scrapes by or in most cases, she fails ...and knowing this just breaks my heart.


I have always told both of my gremlins....to me, it doesn't matter what mark they get on any test, as long as they have done their best. To me, working hard and giving it all you have got is more important that what grade you get...but still, at these times, my heart aches so much for both of them.


It isn't about the passing or failing....because I love them completely and unconditionally no matter what...


But that love makes me want the world and more for both of them.....and it is times like this that make me feel like such a total failure.....I am the one who made the bad choices...to settle for less in a marriage that was doomed before it began...but now they spend their lives paying for my bad decisions............


Believe me, I know it could be SO much worse...I honestly do remind myself of that often....but I am the momma bear...I wanna grab them and hide them in my cave and not let the world hurt them...


These exams will come and go, as they all do...and we will deal with whatever happens, as we always do...and I will continue to worry about what the future holds for them both,as I always do.....


When they were baby gremlins, I had such hope...they are both so beautiful and I thought the world would be full of possibilities for both of them...now I pray that some way, God will find a way to protect them when I am not here to do it anymore.....


Ok.......get through today, worry about tomorrow when it gets here...wish I had a dollar for everytime I have had to tell myself that...will be saying it alot over the next few days, I am thinking.....ok off to breathe a few deep breaths and blow my nose..lol


As always, to be continued...............

6 comments:

Palm Springs Savant said...

I don't know how you keep your sanity! With all that going on and all!!!!

Burfica said...

I hate how schools do major torture for midterms and for finals. Why can't they just concentrate on teaching them through the year and doing reviews here and there??? gahhhhhhhhh stupid schools

Keep with it. I know you will be proud of her no matter what.

jAMiE said...

I hope she does well Flake...and you get some well deserved rest tonight...sounds like you both need it.

Take care, hugs!

whatevergirl said...

Of course you want the best for your kids! It is difficult to see them struggle. You just want to fix it all! BUT do you know what I have observed over the past few years? The people who do well, as far as being able to succeed at what they love and pay the bills with it, are the people who work hard and have good people skills.
I know a guy who aced all his tests in highschool and had a 4.0, but, bless his heart, he hated people. He has spent his last 20 working years hating everyone he worked with and leaping from job to job. Some of the most inspiring people will tell you that they weren't that great in school--C average.
And God is in control of it all anyway. His plan is most important and being an A student is not always what he desires.
Hugs to you!!!

Phoenix5 said...

This is something I heard a little while ago: "Those who know HOW end up working for those who know WHY; those with As know how, those with Cs (or less) know why." Exams are tough, and completely unrealistic, but it's the only way the school system knows how to measure how much a student has learned. What has me all riled up is, if a student "fails" an exam, the blame should be put on the teacher, if the student tried hard, because obviously, if the student tries hard and fails, then the teacher did NOT do their job of TEACHING! If the student goofs off all year and then fails, well.. they got what they put into it. Sorry to rant on your blog once again!

(((((((((((((HUGE HUGS)))))))))))))

Biddie said...

Oh, Flake, I know how you feel. I do.
Kayla was diagnosed with learning disabilities many years ago (she is in grade 11 now) and it has been HELL. The screaming, the tears, the frustration..and that is just ME.
Is your girl on an IEP? Kayla has been for years. They make concessions for her..Longer time to write her tests, open book, teacher help...It can be done.
Try not to stress (ok, you can laugh at that now) too much. I think that everyone puts way too much emphasis on tests and grades.
I'm thinking of you :)