Wednesday, November 28, 2007

HAVE YOU EVER.....

Warning : the following is a rant that isn't even remotely entertaining...my apologizes and I won't blame you if you don't read it...

Have you ever felt lost and unsure where to turn? Have you ever felt like you were in a heavy fog and there didn't seem to be a light to guide you out of it?? Does this sound totally whacko?

Whacko or not this is how I have been feeling the last few weeks...and I wish I could say it is getting better, but it really isn't.

I want to be able to shake myself out of this funk...the longer it goes on, the guiltier I feel (because the gnome has to live with my sour puss face)...which just makes me feel worse...which makes me feel guilty.....do we see a pattern here??

I have mentioned before that I have struggled with depression throughout my life. Over the years, I have found "tools" that have helped me to keep it in check....talking out the problems with my friends....going for a walk and sitting by my river...going for a swim...this things have always helped me. Unfortunately, now I don't really have these things to help me and I don't have anything new to replace them.

Sorry I am babbling aren't I?? Sometimes it is the littlest thing with me that can send me in a downward spiral...this time it was a dumbass comment made by my boss. Things have slowed down at work and they have cut our hours greatly (down now to 6 hrs a week with no end in sight). My bosses reason for cutting me so drastically was that I am "an unacceptable employee". It isn't like I even like the damn job but these words have made me feel like such a failure.

Okkkkkkkk rambling again......sorry.

These are the things going on in my head right now...I KNOW this boss is a jerk and I can't let him get to me......even though it was his thoughtless words that got this all started, it has moved beyond that now....

I feel alone and trapped....I find myself wondering how I got to this place where I have travelled down a road filled with mistakes and bad choices....

I have lived in this town for 17 months now and I am no happier here than when we first moved. It is better for the gnome...I know this to be true....but there is no way he will ever be able to understand how miserable I am here. I have explained this to him before but finally had to just give up and except that coming here was a mistake..and now I have to suck it up and live with it.

I keep telling myself things could be sooooooo much worse...the logical part of my brain knows this is true. But the dark cloud that taken possession of my brain right now just wants to run away...to hide under a rock and not come out.

I find myself getting jealous of people I don't even know because they look happy and fulfilled ...then I realize that makes me even more of a loser...

At one point yesterday, I actually was sitting on my couch thinking that maybe the gnome and gremlins would be better off if I weren't in their lives....then gremlin #1 came around the corner and I started to cry. As desperate as I was, I knew I could never leave them.......

I have been struggling with this post for a few days...and it still doesn't make any sense I am sure. Sometimes typing it all out clarifies things and lightens my load....but that is not the case this time.

For anyone how made it through this blast of a post...I say thank you so much and I truly appreciate you taking the time...maybe I will give it another go tomorrow....

As always, to be continued............

9 comments:

Babzy said...

I made it through your post.

Can you get a different job? You said you don't like it anyway.

How much better is that town for your husband and kids? Is it enough to offset how miserable you are there? They need to consider how it affects you, too.

Barbara Doduk said...

I know you don't know me from adam, but I know exactly how you feel. I also know that you are the only one that can make it better.

Your misery isn't the place, isn't the job, it is inside yourself.

You said you suffer from depression. Winter (lack of sunlight) can bring it on even worse. Specially when you are dissatisfied with the "stuck" feeling of your life.

What you really need to do is find something you really love to do, and just engulf yourself in it. I don't know if you have something like that but anything you can just get lost in and enjoy will totally change your mindset. Bowling, painting, dancing, swimming, crafting, whatever it is I don't know...

but if you force yourself to take YOU ONLY time, and just allow yourself that time to be away from the thoughts of your job or the "mistakes" you beat yourself up over, and just allow yourself time to be yourself without all that stress, I think you will start to see things in a different light.

Biddie said...

Email me. I think that we should talk - like TALK. I DO know how you feel, I really do. Email me and I will send you my phone number if you want to chat, ok?
Hugs
biddie36@hotmail.com

Burfica said...

I love you honey. I can give you tons of "advice" but none of it will help, if it's not what you need.

Know I'm always here for you, to be what you need. a shoulder to cry on, and sound off board to yell at, a big snuggly bear to hug with. I'm hear baby.

You won't find a better support group than the people on here, who will talk with you.

E-mail biddie, talk to her...e-mail any and all of us if it helps baby.

I love you again, and big giant hugggsss and scrunches.

Hammer said...

I've experienced some of what you are going through but not all at once.

It's really hard to get out of these funks. I found exercise and healthy food really help.

Take care and feel better soon.

whatevergirl said...

What makes me so sad about your post today is that you have such a GREAT sense of humor and make me laugh on a regular basis with your posts.
I have never struggled with depression but hubby does so I sympathize. And as the spouse of someone who is depressed a lot, please, please, let your hubby know how you feel. It makes things so much better. We can't see in your head and many times we think it is us. Only to find out there are battles we can't imagine going on inside you. I see a load lifted when hubby opens up to me even though I don't say or do anything.
Next I will say, I do not know if you believe in God, but He is very real and personal to me, so I will pray for you, and I mean that...not just lip service.
Last but not least, please talk to Biddie or someone who is going thru the same thing. Depression is real and there is no need to suffer alone.

Barbara Doduk said...

Just came back to say I was thinking about you after my comment from last night. Hope you know from the posts above you are not alone, people care and there is always a network of love out there for you.

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

we don't know each other but i read your post and i want you to think about something. when someone else looks so happy it may be a facade. and if you try to compare your "reality" to their "facade" you will never compare favorably. just something to think about. good luck honey...

smiles, bee

(ps: i smile all the time but right now my son, the crack head, is out again and i am dying INSIDE, so i really do know what i am saying.)

janet said...

i hear you, hon. i have known the smiling on the outside, dying on the inside life, too. we're here for you...