Thursday, November 29, 2007

HAVE YOU EVER.....PART 2

My brain is still resembling scrambled eggs but I wanted to drop a quick line of thanks for all who read and commented on my last post. These comments certainly gave me food for thought...

Today wasn't really any better..but that is ok because I am still breathing, as are the gremlins (so far..lol).

I do feel the need to mention that my last post wasn't meant to be a "pity party" ...and I do apologize if it came across that way. I use this blog to vent...to giggle and sometimes to gnome- bash. My last post fell into the "venting" category.....sometimes forcing myself to sit and type out what is bothering me turns on a light bulb and gives some clarity to the situation....such was not the case yesterday, but I still figured it was worth a try.

The situation is a simple one...I live in a very small town where no one knows me or cares if I live or die. There are no job opportunities here and I don't have transportation to another town for work so I am forced to stay at a job that mistreats me then cuts me back to 6 hrs a week...geeeeeee, thanks boss.......

Living here was a choice I made, not knowing how very hard it would be to live with.....that is just the way it is...

The sadness comes from knowing that it will be this way forever.....I love the gnome and my gremlins with everything I have...and I know that should be enough...but when I am honest with myself, I know that it isn't. There is nothing to do in this "barely-big-enough-to-be-a-dot-on-a-map" town....and even if there was, we couldn't afford for me to do it.

This is the life I have made and I know that it is my own fault...knowing that however does not make it any easier.

There is no longer anything to look forward too...no fun....no adventures...I have tried to explain to the gnome how I am feeling and he is so wonderful about listening yet really has nothing to say that can help.

There is one fear I have that I have never told him...and I never will. I have never allowed myself to even form the words before...but the truth is, I fear that in the end I will grow to hate him. He knows that I hate it here,that I gave up so very much to move here...and he knows how miserable I am here.

I wish the logical side of me could take control of the emotional side...then maybe it wouldn't be so hard.

When all is said and done, the logical side of me knows that it could be worse and that we have to just keep truding along as best we can...but right now the emotional part of me sees nothing to look forward to... nothing to hold out hope for...and that it is too late ...there is no way to fix it, no way to get a "muligan" and I am just sad...

When I think of all I have had to fight my way through in this life.....I just don't want to fight anymore...I am worn and beaten so I am going to hide away for now...

I don't ask for this often...I try to save this request for those more deserving...but I feel lost and alone...so please, for those who believe in the power of prayer, I will ask you this once to please pray for me.......thank you and my love to you all....

10 comments:

Babzy said...

I will do it.

Burfica said...

Honey I just put you on the prayer chain. And I pray for you many times a day. Your someone I care about deeply, and those I do get prayed about often.

One more day. Just worry about today.

Love ya baby!!

Biddie said...

I have been praying for you for a couple of weeks now.
I didn't think for one minute that it was a pity party. You are venting, and sharing, and that is exactly what you should be doing.
You are not alone. :)

whatevergirl said...

I didn't think it was a pity party either...if anyone thought it was--go read elsewhere, right?
Can I ask why you live in such a small town with no job opportunities?
I understand why you are feeling isolated if you have no transportation. And there is no need to be "deserving" to be prayed for, honey, no one deserves it!! We are all in the same boat when it comes to that for sure!
But, thank God we have a loving God who loves all of us just the way we are.
You are on my prayer list. Hugs OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Barbara Doduk said...

I didn't think it was a pity party either. Lord knows there are times we all need to vent. I spent almost all last year venting in my blog about how I ended a 7 year abusive relationship. We all need to vent. It was the support and love shown to me through blogging that helped.

Like Whatevergirl asked, I wonder why you live there? Does your husband need to be there for work? Does his income alone cover your life needs? Because frankly if they do not, and you NEED to work to financially be safe, you should continue to talk to your husband about the option of having him relocate his work so you too can work and support your family.

Naturally if he refuses to accept this is something you need to do for the family, for your relationship, you will indeed begin to resent him for it.

I know lack of money can hinder the ability to get out and do things, specially without transportation. But maybe even if you have the opportunity to go for a walk and take in the world around you it might help. I would think it would be better than sitting at home feeling "stuck" there. They say the best things in life are free.

Maureen said...

I too am thinking about you CF... I agree with the others; if you are feeling trapped, you need to let hubby know to what extreme. No job is worth a relationship (his or yours); if you need to save your sanity by moving, then you need to make a plan with the involvement of the others in your life. I hope you can find a way to solve your situation before it becomes worse.

Take care of yourself, and never apologize for venting; it's your blog and you can write whatever you want. If venting is cathartic, then do it. There are many who are listening and do care.

Burfica said...

Hey!!! Go check out my blog, I gave you something!!!!!

janet said...

to misquote an old song, "that's what blogs are for."

we're listening and still here.

Phoenix5 said...

My dear friend, I am so sorry I missed your posts the last couple of days! I know exactly what you are going through, having gone through it myself 13 years ago. It is a VERY scary feeling, isn't it? I felt I was caught in a whirlpool, being sucked down to who-knows-where and I had no power to get myself out of it. It took a year of continious medication and a new job that gave me a PURPOSE for me to get out of the clutches of that depression, and even today I still feel that downward tug from time to time. I hope you have spoken to Biddie. I also hope that you can get the proper medications to balance those pesky chemicals in your nervous system. You are one of the strongest people I have met in blogland, my friend, so I know, that with help, you can beat this monster! I'm with you in spirit, Flake! You are in my prayers!

HoosierGirl5 said...

Wow, I will pray for you. I totally understand, although I'm too sleepy at the moment to explain.

Hang in there.

J.