Saturday, July 28, 2007

PLEASE GOD , DON'T LET ME BE MY MOM

WARNING : The following blog post is about to be a vent session...so don't say you weren't warned if you read on..lmao


All I want to know is WHY do some people love you so much and STILL insist on being so stupid and hurtful????

I WISH WISH WISH I had the answer to that one...I could write a book, become a millionaire and run the hell away on days like today...lol.

I am so irritated I am still shaking and of course my head is pounding from crying...did I mention that I am a crier when I get mad???


It has been one of those days that I can NOT for the life of me understand why I got out of bed....it sure as hell has not been worth the effort it took my sore, pained body to haul itself up to get moving this morning...

Sorry I am rambling...I am so irritated that my thoughts aren't really organized...but I am hurt...I feel like someone gutted me like a fish and left me in dirt...that someone being my Mom. So, of course, the gnome had to get into the act and kick me while I was down...so I screamed at the both of them and told them BOTH to fuck off...(** note to self...remember someday my gremlins may use those words on me...karma can be a bitch)....

I know I have mentioned my Mom in previous posts...I have missed her so much this last year. When we lived in my hometown, we would either see her or I would call her every day.....when we decided to move for the gnome's work, leaving her was the hardest part of going...and I still miss her as much today and I did a year ago..

We make a point of going "home" to see her every weekend...since it is only about an hour away. We load up our laundry and head to town. We could do laundry other places but I have liked having that reason to go to town and see her while we do the laundry...the gremlins look forward to it and so have I.

Today, we made our weekly trek to town and called her as soon as we got there. Lately, for some reason, she feels that it is necessary to point out all my faults...and when I call her on it she just says she is "teasing". I have told her before that it is NOT funny and it hurts me...and once I reminded her that we do not HAVE to come visit her...that we choose to but that could change if she doesn't want to cool it.

As I mentioned on my last post, I hurt myself again the other day and I am in a LOT of pain...thus making sleep next to impossible. I told my Mom this....and she said she could tell I was suffering today...but I forced myself to tough it out because I really wanted to see her...I could have gotten the gnome to do the laundry here at home, but I wanted to see her and so did the gremlins.

As we are sitting there visiting, out of the blue she says to me "why don't you let me trim your beard"... I was like WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT....I almost punched her in the face....

I am 41 years old...and of course getting to that point in my life where my body doesn't much like me...but this is her idea of teasing...and maybe I shouldn't let it hurt me but it really, really did. She seems to think it is funny when she tells me I am getting old because I am starting to get grey hairs.. and btw I should mention at this point that I don't even have a "beard"..she was just being a fucking idiot...

Often I tell her to cut it out and let it just slide...but today I just couldn't. I am in so much pain it hurts to even breathe...I am running on NO sleep...and dragged my ass out of bed ONLY because I wanted to suffer through an hour's drive to see her and that is the shit I get for my trouble...so I yelled at her..and yelled good. I was just so hurt that I told her she is mean and I am NOT taking her shit.

If that wasn't enough...as we were yelling she decides to tell me that she knows I miss her but that is STUPID and I shouldn't miss her...after all someday soon she will die and then what will I do (her words not mine).

I think I have also mentioned in the past that she was not exactly Mother Theresa when we grew up. She would slap the shit out of us first...and ask questions later. It didn't matter if we were guilty or not, if she was mad we got it..and got it good. Of course, she has a selective memory now and conveniently forgets most of that....I guess it is how she sleeps at night.

Anyway, if all her shit wasn't bad enough, the gnome decides to get into the act and tell me that I am acting like a 2yr old which of course made me want to cut his balls off and stuff them down his throat. I get it...that he is sorta clueless about what I was feeling because he was blessed enough to NOT have to grow up with parents who were verbally and physically abusive...and a father that was sexually abusive and a mother that just turned a blind eye and didn't protect me.

I get that there is NO way he can understand why her stupid insults hurt me...but is it too much to expect him to support me even if he doesn't understand??? I just feel like I am all alone and no one in the world cares...today made me feel like I was 12 yrs old all over again....when they would hurt me so deeply and NO ONE cared..even when I tried to tell and get help. The difference is I am NOT 12 anymore...and I WON'T just sit and take that shit anymore...from anyone..

They can call me a bitch as much as they want...but I won't just take that anymore... I have worked really hard to forgive my mom for her past mistakes...and believe me finding forgiveness was NOT an easy thing to do...but I did because I love her and want her in my life....but today I really wonder why I even bothered!!!!

After we yelled some more, my mom and I sort of made up. I know she doesn't MEAN to hurt me...but that makes it almost worse somehow..that she can be so cruel and thoughtless and not even get why it hurts me. The gnome at least has an excuse, he IS male after all....LOL.

Well for anyone that read this...I want to thank you. It means a lot to me that you cared enough to take the time to read this. Sorry it was such a "downer"

* cue "The sun'll come out tomorrow...."

As always, to be continued............

10 comments:

Biddie said...

Vent away. My background is almost exactly the same, except it was my STEPfather that did the abusing.
My mum and I have NO relationship right now.
I have done my fair share of venting recently, and people kep coming back. It's funny the way that we build these little communities...It's a great feeling to know that someone cares, isn't it?
Keep venting, crying, talking, whatever it takes. We'll keep coming back.
Hugs.

Vickie said...

Let your emotions out here---vent, scream, cry, share---just get it out and here is a very good place to do that.

You have friends who visit you to share with you---not all will understand everything you deal with but---all that are your friends will support you.

I did not have the same childhood you did and can not relate to all you say but I have a mother that does not understand I don't have to be here to help her, care for her--yes I love her but I don't have to do all I want I do it because I have chosen to but yet still she prefers my sister over me---and my sister does nothing for her---seldom even visits.

Just know we care and are here for you.

Palm Springs Savant said...

Stop by my blog...you've won an award!

~JJ! said...

I'm so sorry!
I wish I had some words of wisdom here for you. I can't understand why a mom would do that to her daughter..no matter how old you are.

Sounds like her way of showing you love is by teasing you but you don't seem to respond well to that. So I would think that she should know that by now and change her ways a little...

I'm so sorry.
My dad shows his love by being sarcastic and I laugh but sometimes it still stings. SO I get that.

I wish I could hug you and help you with this pain you are feeling. Emotionally and physically.

Feel better.

captain corky said...

Wow! I'm really, really sorry. People can be so shitty! They both owe you an apology and I hope you have a better day today.

HoosierGirl5 said...

Hi...I popped over here from Palm Springs Savant. I can really understand. My mom does that stuff to me, too...and then she says, "just teasing". No, she's not just teasing and we both know it.

Sorry you had a rough time.
Hope today is better.
J.

Sheila said...

Me too from Palm Springs Savant. Sorry to have caught on a bad day--we all have them too. I'm going to visit my son and daughter-in-law next week and your experience has reminded me to watch my words. My mom was wonderful but oh so critical. Hope you are happier today.

Phoenix5 said...

The above commenters have hit the nail on the head here, Flake! We have this online community which is almost like family! Venting your frustrations is very theraputic... especially through writing. Knowing that you have freinds "out there" who care for you is also very helpful. I hope that you can feel all the love and support we are all sending your way!

Hope your week is better, my friend!

jAMiE said...

I'm so sorry about your troubles with your mom...i know how difficult it can be and how painful as my mother can also be very hurtful with the things she says. I hope by now you feel a bit better...give yourself a hug, dust yourself off and know that we readers care about you and want you to vent when/if ever you need to.

I hope your week is better!

Burfica said...

my mother had a very selective memory too. Of course she didn't kick my sister out, she helped her look for a place (yeah right) And she never ever reminded me almost every day that I was supposed to be a boy, and if I was a boy then it would have saved her marraige. She also never ever said, why can't you be more like your sister.

We had a hard past, I love her and miss her still. It was really hard to forgive her. I forgive her but I will never forget.

I'm proud of you for not taking shit anymore, it's hard to get past that.

Sometimes we have to lay down what we accept, and if they can't conform to that then sometimes we are better off.

I love ya hun. I'm sending hugs!!!