Wednesday, September 3, 2008

ROCK AND HARD PLACE-ITIS

Today was a better day...thank god!!! I still missed the gremlins and was terribly lonely but did a better job of staying calm and keeping things in perspective. That seems to be one of the biggest battles....to remember that it is okay to have bad days and enjoy the good ones when they come along.

Thanks to all for the thoughtful comments from my post yesterday. While I do not agree even a little bit that I need to be institutionalized, I still REALLY appreciate everyone's kind words of support ..they mean so very much to me .

When I first talked to my doctor about starting the anti depressants, we also discussed the possibility of me getting counselling. He explained that in this part of my province, as is the case in many places in Canada, there just isn't enough counsellors to come close to being able to cope with the demand. He called it a catch 22....because in most cases counselling will prevent a person's depression from deepening but it is next to impossible to get a counsellor here until you are at the point where you are a danger to yourself or others....which I am NOT!!

Let me state clearly that I am NOT suicidal nor have I been at anytime through this dark time. That being said, I also agree that counselling would more that likely be helpful, but it just isn't an option right now in my area, although my doc did say if things don't improve in the next few months, he would get me on a few waiting lists.

Honestly, it isn't a mystery to me at all what the problem is...I just feel stuck and helpless to improve the situation. I have lived in this town for 2 years now and still do not have a single friend here. I work out of my home so I have little to no contact with anyone other than the gnome and gremlins...and this town is barely big enough to be a dot on a map so there is nothing to do here socially. Some people would be okay living like a hermet but I am not wired that way.

Together the gnome and I have talked about moving back home...but there is just no way we can swing it. Even if we could afford the move itself, we surely can't afford going back to paying for gas so he can commute an hour to work everyday. With all the meds we are all on, we couldn't afford to lose his drug plan. Add the fact that he has an AWESOME boss and I would never ask him to sacrifice that for me...so that is the proverbial rock and hard place I am stuck between.

Things are compounded with the lack of employers in this town...no employers means no escape from a crappy job. I had hung on to hope through the summer because Walmart was scheduled to build and open a store here . But the word came down a few weeks ago that they have put the plans on ice for at least a year,maybe longer...so that sorta dashed my hopes a bit.

Anyway, sorry this rant was so long again. It all boils down to feeling hopeless and helpless...which does get tiresome after awhile. But today was a better day....so I am just gonna remind myself to give thanks for the good days...and breathe through the bad days...it's the only thing I can do for now. Thank you all again and my love to you all.

As always, to be continued...................

7 comments:

Joy T. said...

Certainly a turn around from yesterday's post. If I would have read that post yesterday I would have wholeheartedly agreed with everyone else about you getting some serious help. I really thought you were about to hurt yourself after reading it. There is feeling down and then there is feeling down. It sounded quite tragic :o( But today looks like a good day so that's good news :o)

Canadian flake said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Canadian flake said...

This is exactly why I didn't post at all this summer. It has been a terrible summer.....and I was the first one to admit when I needed help and got it, in the form of medication. But there is NOTHING in either post that says I have EVER considered hurting myself. I vent raw emotions when I need to..that is what this blog is for me and why I started posting in the first place.

HoosierGirl5 said...

Wow...I haven't been by in awhile and I'm sorry I haven't. I hope at least you know you have friends long distance!!!

Hugs,
J.

aims said...

Hey CF.

I know how scary this is for you. I know how you are feeling. Remember I have been to hell and back with this and have quite a bit of experience with it. When I got better I vowed I would try and help anyone I could who was going through this. That is why I am reaching out to you.

No-one is saying you need to be institutionalized. No-one is saying you need to go to London or Queens Street in Toronto.

What I'm saying is that I witnessed some people who were put in the hospital on a special ward for a few days and it changed their life. Someplace where they could be helped 24 hours a day by people who knew what they were doing. It changed everything for them.

Doctors can prescribe the pills - but they don't see us up close and how we react when we are away from them. So they don't know. When a professional can see how you are reacting - they can tweak the medication to exactly what you need and bingo! The world starts feeling normal again.

Unfortunately you aren't unique. The world is full of depressed people - and people who back away from help because of many many reasons. And that's okay too. But - you need to talk to someone. Talking can really help if you can talk to the right person. And not just once in a while - but often.

We can say we're afraid you are going to hurt yourself - because that is what so many people do. But even just pulling your hair because of your angst is a form of hurting yourself. And we do this because we feel inadequate. Unable to fight these feelings that we have no control over.

Please know that you have people - complete strangers - who are out here and who care. I see there are others who are offering a listening ear. Biddie has been through the same thing too and she lives so close to you! A cup of tea with a person who knows would do wonders.

Writing it out and telling people is a good thing. Sharing the pain is a good thing. The more you share the less heavy it becomes as we help you take this on.

Again - I have a contact me place on my blog.

aims said...

oh my goodness - how could I have forgotten to tell you this.

Sweetie - I have found that taking fishoil capsules helps. I take 2 of them a day but I know a doctor who was depressed (met him blogging) and after I suggested he look into truehope.com he got back to me and said that an essential ingredient in helping brain functions - is fishoil. He started taking megadoses of it and he's out of his depression and back to work!

And he swears by it!

Now I know truehope vitamins are very expensive. I've seen them work a miracle on my girlfriend. But her parents paid for them and it is quite expensive.

But fishoil isn't. Try salmon and fishoil capsules. They don't backup in your throat like some do.

If you would like to exchange emails with the doctor I am talking about - and he has told me he's happy to help anyone who asks him - I'll give you his email. Talking to a doctor who has actually gone through this would be so helpful. He told me he would treat patients differently from now on since he has been there.

Think about all this sweetie. Think of your quality of life and that of your family. A little rest where someone else does the cooking and you get to close your eyes without any responsibility hanging over your head. Sigh. That might be just what the doctor orders!

Thinking of you from way over here. It's going to be okay CF. It does get better. I promise.

Biddie said...

I wasn't thinking that you should be locked away. I was just thinking of a day or two away...If you go to the crisis clinic at your local hospital (The er, just ask for the crisis people) then you can get fast tracked to a counsellor or therapist. They won't lock you up, they will most likely just get you an appointment with a dr/counsellor and might even start you on meds. It's something to think about if you get to feeling that low again.
I spent time in the hospital, and at the time, it was just what I needed. I was there for three days, and then I was on my way with a plan all set for me. At the time, it was what I needed.
It will get better,Flake.