BREATHING AND TRYING NOT TO CRY

NOTE : The following is a long rant...was me trying to get past some stuff...

Here I sit..all alone with tears streaming down my cheeks...praying for strength. At this moment, it is hard to see to even type but I feel I must at least try.

Today the gremlins both started high school (#1 in grade 11 and #2 in grade 9).....and all I can feel is terror and loneliness.

I haven't blogged much this summer... I felt I couldn't use this blog in the way I intended when I first started posting. I couldn't pretend that everything was okay...it was taking all my strength to try to keep my shit together for the gnome and gremlins...I couldn't pretend here....so I walked away.

When I started this blog a year and a half ago, I wanted a place to vent and get out the words that were whirling around in my head. The last 6 months have been among the most difficult in my life. I have fallen into a very dark hole and have spent the last months trying to be stronger and fighting my way out of that hole. I am not there yet...it is a daily battle and I still have to MAKE myself keep fighting and not give up. The gnome has been wonderful (for the most part) but I can see how frustrated he is getting too.

I don't believe that anyone who hadn't battled depression can truly understand how all consuming it can be. He says he knows that it is hard, and I know he is trying his best..but of course, there is no way he could really get it...and of course that isn't his fault.

Sometimes I just want to smack him....last night was one of those times. This weekend was so hard ...I kept breaking down and crying. He was patient and understanding even though there was really nothing he could do to help....all I could do was keep breathing and putting one foot in front of each other and trying to get through it somehow...which I did (as best I could anyway).

Last night, he finally couldn't take anymore. He snapped and started to yell at me. Of course, his timing was impeccable because I had just spent a half hour vomitting and was so dizzy I couldn't even get up off the floor.

I wanted to scream back at him but the words wouldn't come. I wanted to ask if he thought I enjoyed feeling this way?? Did he think that I would choose this terrible path to travel?? Did he think I would want this for myself or for anyone???

Sometimes it is like he just thinks that I am just wallowing in self pity and I could shake it off if I wanted to....that I enjoy feeling this way and that I just sit around feeling sorry for myself instead of trying to get better.

Today is hard...I had to send my gremlins off knowing that I can't protect them...this is something they have to do. Again, this is something that can only be truly understood by someone that deals daily with a learning disabled gremlin...I can't help worrying about them...they are growing up so quickly but they will ALWAYS be my baby gremlins and I want to keep them safe in my arms where no one can hurt them.

But today, my fear is not only for them. I have been dreading this day all summer along....being here again, all alone with my thoughts and fears, and only a cat to help me fight off my demons. It wasn't that I would ever expect the gremlins to help me...but just being here all summer helped. One of the things I hate most about this stupid town is that there is nothing to do.

As soon as the gnome left, I felt the darkness quickly overtaking me so I decided to go out for a walk to stay calm. As I walked, everywhere I could see kids standing and waiting for their bus to come. I tried to keep my eyes down and trudged alone. Walking is still painful since my accident..but today the darkness is more painful. As I turned down the last street to get back to mine, there was a family standing on the lawn with a little girl. I smiled as I passed and the older lady started talking, explaining that they were all there waiting to send off her granddaughter to her first day of kindergarten.

I wished them luck as I hurried along. I worried that she might think me rude, but I had to escape before they saw me starting to cry again. Seeing that little girl brought back with a flood so many memories....amd made me feel angry....angry that I can' t freeze time...fearful of what the future holds for my gremlins.

As I made my way home, just as I was about to my house, I saw the bus that #2 used to ride to school. It slowed for a minute infront of my house then drove past me. That started the old faucets going again.

So again, here I sit, trying not to cry, trying to breathe, counting the minutes til by gremlins come home and praying that someday it will be better...because I don't know much more of this I can take.

As always, to be continued.........