Friday, March 7, 2008

IS IT MY FAULT???

DISCLAIMER : this is something I wrote last night...it is not light hearted or funny....but is still something I needed to write...anyone that continues to read is welcome to...but you have been warned..lmao.


Is it my fault???

Those nights I spent in the darkness, huddled in the corner.
I prayed those nights that you would suffer and die a terrible
death....
I wondered if there really was a God and if there was, why
was he letting this happen to me...

Is it my fault??

I hated you most of my life...and even now as a grown adult
that has tried to come to peace with my ghosts and demons,
part of my heart is still closed off and broken....

Is it my fault???

I have used every nasty, hurtful word I could think of as a
weapon against your evilness.....because I wanted to hurt
you as much as you hurt me, even though there was no way
that was possible......

Is it my fault???

I want so desperately to be completely healed and whole
again.....I have tried so hard to convince myself that I have to
try to forgive because I fear that might be the only way I can
fight those demons and not let them win....

But inside me is that little girl that wanted to be saved...
wanted to be loved...but never was....she wants you to
suffer...

Now that you are sick and afraid...is it wrong that part of me
is almost relieved?? I thought when this happened, I would
feel happy because I was finally going to get my revenge....

Instead I feel ...unsure...not happy...not sad...just unsure.....

As always, to be continued....................

10 comments:

aims said...

I know what you are writing about here. I wish I had some words that would tell you how to overcome this - but as was obvious by one of my latest posts - I don't.

For me this has never gone away - even 10 years after he is gone. I still feel the same way. And the helping I did? - it didn't justify or help me in any way...I just did it.

At least you know there are others out there who have gone through this and that you aren't alone in how you feel. When I was right in the thick of it - there wasn't anyone blogging about the pain of this...hope it helps - even if it is just a drop in the thimble...

Dianne said...

There are so many of us "drops in the thimble" - I find it does help to know I'm not alone.

It also helps to hear others tell you. NO - it isn't your fault.

Wish I had more to offer - I'm still working (and working) on it.

Anne Bradshaw said...

I researched this subject a few years ago for a book I was writing, and was horrified to learn what some people go through both during the trial, and later, when trying to come to terms with it and find some peace.

I do so very much sympathize, and admire you for trying to overcome the past through your writing. While it is usually the toughest thing to do, forgiveness really is the only way to free yourself of continued pain.

When you harbor revenge, or similar, you are the only one who continues to suffer. When you finally manage to let go, you are the one who wins--forever. His/her punishment is eternal and out of your hands.

Here's wishing you all best wishes for your success.

Burfica said...

It's not your fault!! You have every right to every one of those feelings. They are noticed and accepted, and you are still loved by so many.

I hope you know that anything the person says or does, is not going to find you peace, there was to much pain. You have to find that inside yourself, and you are one dam strong woman. It may take time, lots of it, but you have it, and you know where to look to get the added strength you need.

I will always be here. Even if it's just to sit and be quiet with you but to know you are never alone!!!

I love you!!!!

Phoenix5 said...

(((((((HUGS))))))))

Hammer said...

I'm totally in touch with this. But I did find out that these kind of emotions stunt personal growth.

It sure is nice to see the bastard that caused so much pain to be suffering themselves.

Nope not your fault you grew from it they didn't.

Palm Springs Savant said...

Flake- sending a big hug to you...and never, ever apologize for your feelings, OK?

Jerseygirl89 said...

It is not your fault. Thank you for sharing - this was very powerful.

MomThatsNuts said...

I have always found writing to be very therapeutic. You cannot take responsibility for someone else's actions!! You hang in there and know there are those of us that DO love you and support you!!

Mom

captain corky said...

This is not your fault at all! Only a monster could do those type of things to a child...