Friday, February 15, 2008

PRAYING FOR NYC WATCHDOG AND DJ

As evidenced by the THREE different times I posted yesterday, I guess I got "unplugged" fairly quickly....thanks so much to all for the supportive words and blogger birthday wishes...they really did help a great deal....

Yesterday, I knew what was bugging me...but I just wasn't ready to give words to my emotions...but 2 things really helped...

Ok first to what was bugging me...wednesday night was the open house at the high school for gremlin#2....and it brought all my fears to the surface.....I mean I was really scared when #1 started high school..but #2 starting is a wholeeeeeee new can of "whoop ass" being opened on us....

He really isn't ready...he is a VERY immature 13 yr old...he reads at about a 4th grade reading level (and he only does that because I am so damn stubborn)...his math is now up to about a 6th grade level...and most of his other subjects are at 8th grade modified levels.......and I am so completely terrified that he is going to get eaten alive........this is the same school where a drug dealer approached gremlin #1 on her 3rd fucking day there...and honestly I have absolutely NO faith that my boy is going to be strong enough to make good choices...and I am tired...ohhhhhhh so tired of fighting a school system that doesn't give a rat's ass.....they want to sweep him under the rug...then kick him out the door into a world where no one will protect him...and he won't have the tools to get a job and take care of himself...so of courseeeeee I am grrrrrrrrrrrr at them and worried for him......(yes I have tears streaming down my cheek as I type this....anyone who knows me is NOT shocked by this...lol)

OK now to the two things that helped me...well three things actually....the first thing was a good long walk...I froze my ass off but it was worth it because the fresh air helped...the second thing was the kind and thoughtful comments left here...gosh I really do heart the whole bunch of you...cause simply, you ROCK!!!

The third thing was accidently stumbling across this blog yesterday afternoon. I had this blog added to my fav's after a mutual blogger friend sent me to it last summer...the man who writes this blog lost his little 6 yr old boy last summer in a swimming pool accident...and honestly, I do not know how he has found the strength to continue living...if that isn't enough for you, he lives and works in NY city and lost his partner when the buildings came down on 9/11......I read his blog for hours...and cried over and over again...read this (go to page 37 and read the graduation)

As I sat and cried yet again, all I could think was okkkkkkkkk flake get your fucking ass out of your head and stop your bitching...yesssssss your life might suck and the gremlins aren't easy...but they are FUCKING alive...and even when I want to strangle the shit outta them at least I can still hug them and remind them how much I love them....

So thank you God for leading me back to NYC watchdog's blog...it was the smack of reality I needed to remind me to "get through today...and worry about tomorrow when it comes..."words I have tried hard to live by...cause my shit is soooooo just bullshit compared to what he is living..

As always, "unplugged" and to be continued....

P.S. As I went to his blog to link for this post, I discovered that today is DJ's 7th birthday...I pray for his dad today...and I hope DJ is having a big cake up in heaven.....and yes, I am crying again.....

10 comments:

jAMiE said...

Hi Flake..keep the faith ...my prayers are with you...stay strong, he needs you.

I will check out the blog later, i'm always happy to find new worthwhile blogs...i look forward to checking it out.

Take care of yourself, k ...

Burfica said...

You are strong, and you are aware, those are two of the most important things to keep them headed right. We have to have faith and trust it will all work the way it's supposed too. Although any pain inflicted upon our babies is like torture to our souls.

But then reading that other blog, sorta puts things all back into a proper perspective doesn't it???

Thank you for showing it to me, and thank you for trusting me with your fears.

One day at a time sweetie. High school doesn't start for him for what?? 6 more months?? so you can start getting a little scared at 5 and 3/4 months. hehehehe

Had to add a little funny in there.

I love you hun, and your doing great.

Hammer said...

I'm going through the same thing with my kids. The schools are totally copping out on what they are supposed to do and we are having to kick their ass right and left.

Hope everything gets better for you and the kiddo. I'm sure it will work out just fine.

captain corky said...

Thank God I have Allyson. I don't think I could ever deal with fighting the school system. I wasn't exactly the poster child for the model student, if you know what I mean. ;)

Biddie said...

We are still battling the system with our middle daughter,Kayla. I was terrifed when she started high school, too. She was behind in soo many areas, I was afraid that she would fall through the cracks.
There are still some issues that we deal with, and she still struggles, but she is passing..Mostly 50's, some 70's. She is doing her best, and that is all that matters.
Try not to stress too much. Like Burfica said, highschool is still many months away, and who knows what can happen?
I just read through a bunch of the archives of The NY Watchdog.
My God. I can not fathom such a horrible thing. Where do you get the strength to go on with your life? Puts stuff into perspective real quick.

Phoenix5 said...

Glad to hear you were able to get some perspective on your issues, Flake! It makes my heart ache to know how much you worry about your gremlins. My own philosophy is to cross each bridge when I get to it, not before. Your #2 does have an IEP, right? That should ensure that #2 doesn't completely fall through the cracks. We're trying to get my #2, T, into an IEP. She is also really behind, especially in reading and math. A big NO-Thanks to Mr. Harris for almost succeeding in turning our schools into cookie molds where they churn out clone after clone after clone, and another big NO-Thanks to Mr. McGuinty for not fixing it properly! Stupid governments... *rant off*

((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))

Miranda said...

I found everything harder when my second one went through things. I think it was cuz she was not as mature as her older sister. Im seriously beginning to think that I will always worry more about her because she's that way.

Dianne said...

I am here to tell you there is light - my son is now 34 and the finest man there could be. He had so many issues all through school - learning diabled? yes/no - they drove me nuts. swallowed up in a huge high school - he cut out for days on end and they swore they'd call me and they never did. I could go into detail but the point is that we give them all we have, we do the best we can, we worry and watch them through a scary world ... we do our best and they do theirs.

I will go to the other blog, thanks for the lesson in perspective.

just hang in.

Palm Springs Savant said...

hang in there. It's amazing how hearing about another person's troubles can help pull you through, or at least put things in perspective.

jAMiE said...

FLake..i hope you are feeling okay...take care of yourself, hugs!

ps..any thoughts on BB?