Thursday, August 16, 2007


When does this crazy merry-go-round we call life stop spinning???

When do I get to jump off and catch my breath???


These words have been the motto I have lived my life by for most of the last 30 years. A very wise man spoke those words to me and no truer words have affected of my life than those.

I have spent my life fighting and trying to NOT let the evil and bad things win out over the good. I have tried to fight the good share the love I have in my be a better person than the people I was raised give others hope whenever possible...or at least try to make them smile...

I am far from a perfect mother...infact sometimes I am a truly shitty mom and I don't know why the gremlins even love me but they do for some reason...the poor

Anyway, this week has been one of those times in my life that I feel like I am treading water. I seem to be taking in big gulps of water and it is getting harder to keep my head above water.

I would like to say that the gnome is being supportive and helpful but honestly he is being a horse's ass. I totally understand that he doesn't understand why things from my past still haunt could he? He grew up in a home full of love and support, so he has no idea what it feels like to have to fight for your survival...for your very life.

I get that....I really do...honest. But he doesn't get why scars from my past still affect me much as I don't want them to, they still rear their ugly head at times like this.

I have spent most of today crying....and trying to remind myself that things could be worse...I do know that!! I don't have an incurable gnome isn't off fighting in Iraq risking his gremlins aren't in a hospital sick and fighting some terrible illness...I completely understand that things could DEFINITELY be worse...

But I also know that I am tired...frustrated...lonely and feeling unloved. And yeah ,ok I admit that today I am feeling sorry for myself...I am just alone and discouraged. When do I get to say enoughhhhhhhh...I give ....I surrender...just take me to your leader....because Scotty, I want ya to beam me up baby...

Sorry for the rant....but this is why I keep this blog after If anyone got this far, thanks for taking the time to read my rambling. I wish I could say I feel better now...maybe tomorrow. I have almost survived today, maybe tomorrow will be better....maybe not...

As always, to be continued............


Phoenix5 said...

Big hugs are flying your way, Flake! You read my rant and gave me wonderful, encouraging words, so I can do no less for you!

Having dealt with clinical depression myself 12 years ago, I know whereof you speak. Even now, after 11 years of being "cured" I still have those days when I could just walk away from life completely. Sometimes, I think that becoming a hermit is the answer. Other days, I fantasize about becoming a hermit another way.. as in removing everyone around me. Neither is the right answer of course! I really don't know how Atlas was able to stand with the weight of the world on his shoulders, 'cause this world is damn heavy!

Keep treading water, my friend, eventually you'll make it to shore! Even if you have to drift in! If everything seems overwhelming and too hard to take, just remember this little riddle I heard a while ago: "How do you eat an elephant? - One bite at a time!"

Take care, Flake! I'm with you in spirit!

Hammer said...

Sorry you are feeling down. I'm familiar with the negative thoughts and this definitley what blogs are for.

Like you said, time heals all wounds and there is always tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

Hi Flake. As you wrote, scars from the past don't go away. The key is to learn how to live in the present and interact with others in spite of past hurts. (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy)

We have a group therapy program at our local hospital which is run by a psychologist and psychiatrist and is covered by Medical Services Plan.

Not that long ago the thought of going to group therapy would have had me in stitches. But I reached a point where I couldn't cope with anything without help (and medicine). Group Therapy has helped me in ways I never thought possible.

jAMiE said...

Big hug for you Flake...i understand where you are coming will get through are a strong woman and a good mother i'm sure and you will get through it. One day at a time.

Take care of yourself and allow yourself to feel the pain of it and then pick yourself back up and dust yourself off and get back to life.

We all here are in your corner!

ps...cant wait for BB Friday!!!

Anonymous said...

Yeah, this merry go round can get pretty speedy can't it?

Hope you find your footing soon.

captain corky said...

You don't have to apologize for feeling bad. Not to me anyway. I hope you're feeling better today. And from what I know about you from reading your blog you've done a kick ass job at fighting your demons and changing your life for the better.

Hang in kid!

Vickie said...

This is your blog and here is where you can open and share your feelings. I always think it matters not why someone has the feelings they have for it is their feelings and that is what is important. It matters not that you have a good live compared to others what matters and is important to you is what you feel. Never apologize for your feelings--share them.
Your past played a big part in who you are today and it is not something one can just let go.
Take care of yourself and I send you special thoughts and love.

HoosierGirl5 said...

Oh wow, do I understand! Didn't you say you've been reading my blog? Well, then you have ready plenty about my struggles. I know how you feel. At least you have a husband to help you.

Hang in there.
I hope you feel better.

Sunshine said...

I hear you. My hubby grew up in a "Leave It to Beaver" existence and I, uh, did not. It's hard for them to understand why childhood scars run so deep.
I'll be thinking of you, I really will. Hang in there!