Wednesday, August 22, 2007

A MOMMA BEAR'S MEMORIES

I am sure that there are many lessons I have learned as a mother....some good...many not so good...

Tonight has me feeling reflective after a conversation I had earlier with gremlin #1. She was feeling left out and I think a bit jealous. She was talking to a friend earlier today that she hadn't talked to for most of the summer and this friend had gotten a boyfriend over the summer.

Gremlin and I were talking about why it bothered her and she said her friend is just boy crazy. At this point, I rolled my eyes and told her that I get it...that someday soon she would find her first boyfriend and then she too would join the ranks of teenagers everywhere acting stupid to please a boy..lol. Heaven knows I have certainly been there and done that...lol.

I felt badly for her tonight......I know how it feels to feel unattractive and unsure and have ZERO self confidence. Personally I think she is absolutely beautiful and of course I am completely unbiased...hee hee hee.

Anyway, as I sit here thinking about our talk...it takes me back over the last 15 years and makes me wonder where the time has gone....

I remember how cute she was on her 2nd birthday, dressed in a red velvet dress trying so hard to ride her brand new tricycle when she could barely reach the seat...... I remember how sweet she looked in that blue plaid dress and white shoes she wore on her very first day of kindergarten...she was so brave and I was a TOTAL basket case....

And then there was that awful night when she was barely 8. I was a single mom then and working to support the kids (because fuckhead never cared enough to give us a dime ...but that is another rant)... I was working at a discount store called Biway at the time when I got a frantic call from a neighbour saying gremlin had been hurt. They wanted to rush her to the hospital but I said no (because I didn't trust the creep). I rushed home to find her and gremlin#2 covered in blood. It seems one of the neighbourhood boys had felt it necessary to throw a big rock at her face and it did some nice damage. luckily she was ok...but it was a night I will never forget.

I will also never forget the night just over a year ago when she graduated grade 8. It was a special night and she looked so beautiful...and of course I cried all night.

I look back over her life with many memories...good and bad. I can honestly say I was not a very good mom. I love both gremlins with all my heart and I WOULD die before I would let anything happen to them...but they have most definitely deserved better than me...

I grew up knowing violence, anger and betrayal...and unfortunately, I inherited my parents' impatience in many ways.

I am a strong enough person to admit that I am FAR from perfect ....and not as tolerant as I should be...but I have also strived to always do better than my parents. If I can improve and do better than they did, well that is something. When my gremlins are grown and produce monsters of their own....I will counsel them when I can and pray that they do better than I have.

I have tried...honestly I have. I try to take comfort in the fact that God knows the love I have for them in my heart . I would like to think the most important lesson I have tried to instill in them is that I will love them forever NO MATTER WHAT!! Since they were little, I have told them repeatedly that even when I am angry or yelling at them, I still love them no matter what!!

Those are certainly words I wished to hear when I was growing up.....I am not sure I would have believed them, but it still would have been nice to hear.

So to my dear gremlins...your momma bear loves you...and prays that when you are all grown and gone, you will know you were always loved...and that I always said the words...I never ever let you leave me without me telling you "I love you"...when my time comes to leave this earth, I pray those words will echo in your heart forever...and that you WILL believe them.

As always, to be continued............

6 comments:

Burfica said...

They may act indifferent now. But believe me, the words, hugs, a kind touch, says a million things.

I grew up knowing my mother loved me fiercely, but I also grew up without hugs, and without hearing her say I love you. She would say it once in a while after I had my son, but not often.

I think God gave her that one last year, because she found her emotions, said it all the time, hugged, and yes even cried, for the first times in my life.

Babzy said...

I too believe I could have been a better mom to my son. I feel guilty every day about that. But it sounds like your daughter is close to you. She confided about her friend getting a boyfriend. That's evidence that she knows she is loved and cared for.

Burfica, my Mom was much like yours. No hugs, no I love you's, no interaction whatsoever. I am still dealing with that and working hard to overcome it but I'm 58 for crying out loud. When does one get over their mother?

Phoenix5 said...

I think we all have misgivings about how we raise (or raised) our kids. Remember, we were given these creatures WITHOUT AN INSTRUCTION MANUAL! Not even a FAQ sheet! Each child is a completely different challenge, and requires a totally different approach. I think the only way to judge what kind of parent we've been, is to see how our kids interact with the world around them. Hear what other people say about them when they think we can't hear. The proof, they say, is in the pudding! (I'm still trying to figure out who "they" are!)

Your children are truly blessed to have a mother who cares so much. Your love will eclipse all your perceived faults and failings in the long run. As the Aussies say, "Good on ya, mate!"

~JJ! said...

That is a wonderful post.

I hope your gremlins get to read it...

captain corky said...

Flake, I know your kids will always know how much you love them. I can tell how much you love them, and I've just started getting to know you this year.

JAMiE said...

Hi Flake...i think your children are fortunate to have a mother like you who loves them so...it comes through loud and clear.

I had a meltdown the other day with my blog, please find me at

http://thatnightintoronto.blogspot.com/

Hope to see you there soon!

ps...BB tonight...i HOPE Jen goes home!