Wednesday, May 7, 2008

TURN ON A LIGHT, IT'S DARK HERE

Sorry I have been gone so long...

I have really been struggling...feeling like I have been doing more"gulping" of water than treading...that is never good.

I know there are readers out there that have struggled with depression...and it surely does help to know that I am not the only one..

It has been over 22 years since it has been this bad...but yesterday I finally took the step that I have been avoiding.

I called my doctor and asked him for a prescription for an anti-depressant. It was a really hard call to make. It made me feel like such a loser ..like I had failed some how because I couldn't get my shit together on my own. But the logical side of my brain knows that I can't...that the gnome deserves better than this...that gremlins deserve a mom that isn't a total raving lunatic...

And some where....deep down...is a tiny voice saying that I deserve better too...that I can't keep going on like this...

So I made the call...got some meds.....now I feel a mixture of terror and relief...

Thank you for understanding...for caring...and for praying for me...

My love to you all...

As always, to be continued...........

6 comments:

Hammer said...

The way it works is, when your neurotransmitters get low it makes you feel bad which makes the levels go even lower.

Medicine is like a jumpstart that raises your neuro transmitter levels which makes you feel better and feeling better makes you produce your own after a while.

Hope this helps :)

Dianne said...

relief and terror - I know them well

be proud of yourself for taking care of yourself - for being smart enough to seek help

I suffered for so long and only recently finally got some meds and found a therapist I liked and could afford

I respect your honesty - it helps to be free about it :)

Phoenix5 said...

It's crazy how we beat ourselves up when we get depressed, as though we deliberately did this to ourselves! Not likely! You and I both know that if we had a choice, we'd be a LOT happier and more energetic, right? I hope the meds help you get out of this valley you are in and that you're feeling a whole lot better real soon! ((((((((BIG HUGS)))))))))

the planet of janet said...

good for you, hon. it's tough to take that first step, but it is an important one to take.

hugs...

aims said...

Girl - from an expert over here - don't feel bad. Feel good that you are taking the steps needed to start you going forward again.

You can always ease off of them when you feel they have done the job.

Nothing - repeat - nothing to be ashamed about.

You're going to be okay!

jAMiE said...

I struggle with depression too Flake...i hope the medication helps...take care of yourself and welcome back!

Hugs!