Thursday, May 15, 2008


Okkkkkk apparently I suck..lmao. Which isn't a big shock to me. I received an email from someone I don't even know that told me if I have comments moderated they won't read my blog anymore...soooo okkk then.

The last few days have not been easy. I have been taking the new meds for a week now and today is the day I have to increase the dosage. This is really bothering me, actually it is scaring the shit out of me. I keep thinking...what if the meds don't work...or worse yet, what if they DO and the doctor wants me to take them forever.....I know logically that would be better than how I feel now, but unfortunately in my case logic and depression don't go well together.

I keep trying to remind myself that this is an important and necessary step...that the gnome deserves better than to have to constantly deal with a basket case...that the gremlins deserve a mom that doesn't yell at them for the littlest thing or shut down because the stress level is more than she can handle.

Frankly I deserve better too....and I just can't keep going like this....honestly, I still want to run away and hide so badly that it is so hard just to make myself get out of bed in the morning.

I have spent some time over the last few days reading blogs and catching up on some of the favourite ones I have missed. If you haven't seen a comment from me sure (or scared) that I am coming for you too...lmao.

One blog in particular has been on my mind. Aims is an amazing and gifted writer and I absolutely LOVE her writing. The first time I went to check out her blog, I sat for HOURS reading old posts. I found myself tranported by her writings. She candidly writes about some truly tramatic events of her life...I recommend you all stop by and check her won't be sorry.

Today I finally worked up the courage to go read a bit of her blog. I have wanted too go for days...but I have been scared too. As much as I love her writing, I am afraid...afraid that maybe her past is my future...that I am travelling down a road that she has known all too well...

I am just still so afraid...but trying not to let the fear control me...honest , I am trying hard....not sure if I am swimming or sinking....

As always, to be continued......


Canadian flake said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Phoenix5 said...

It's your blog, Flake, moderate if you want to! Or you could use the word verification thingie like others do. I don't care if you do moderate or not. I hate those spam comments too!

Keep taking your meds, dear friend. the result will be far better than if you don't. you're strong, keep taking the meds and you will beat this monster!

((((((BIG HUGS))))))

Dianne said...

My impression of you, from reading through your posts, is that you are a fine, strong swimmer.

Hugs to you.

aims said...

Hey girl!

First of all - thank you for your kind words. I understand completely what you are going through and where you are coming from.

But - don't be scared! There is hope! Honestly!!

I don't know if I have mentioned this to you before - and I'm getting to it in my blog - but there is a megavitamin from the states that really works. Doctors will disagree completely - but that drooling girl I talked about in my blog - she is walking proof! She now has her own business - plus she works as a bartender three nights a week - and - she sits on the town council.

Check it out -

They are expensive - and if you can't see yourself trying this - than I suggest extra vitamins in your morning routine.

What I take is - a multivitamin and 2 capsules of fish oil plus Stress B Complex (at night.
It helps.

And you know - I'm all about helping and the truth.

It might take a while for these things to make a noticeable difference - but stick with it.

You can always email me if you want. There is a link to contact me on my blog. I don't bite. I promise!

I have been wondering what 'illness' you were referring to - and am glad you have come out with it.

Hugs to you~~~aims