Friday, January 4, 2008

DIARY OF A NUTSO CANADIAN


This must honestly be a diary from someone who moved to Canada this winter...lmaooooooooooo.......



December 8 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!


December 9 We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon, the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.


December 12 The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.


December 14 Snow lovely snow! Eight inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.


December 15 Twenty inches forecasted for today. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.


December 16 Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for one hour, which I think was very cruel.


December 17 Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.


December 20 Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.


December 22 Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.


December 23 Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0 degrees. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.


December 24 6 inches. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the man who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his nose and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.


December 25 Merry -bleeping- Christmas! Twenty more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.


December 26 Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.


December 27 Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.


December 28 Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me crazy!!!


December 29 Ten more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?


December 30 Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars -- not only for the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up where the sun don't shine. The wife went home to her mother. 9 inches predicted.


December 31 I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.


January 8 Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?


As always, to be continued............

11 comments:

Burfica said...

That is so dam funny, they have a reverse one for people who move to Arizona about the heat. They are seriously funny.

Hammer said...

That is funny as hell. It hasn't snowed here in 23 years. It's sad.

HoosierGirl5 said...

That is really funny.

J.

captain corky said...

Good stuff! It snowed almost an inch this year so far. But it was all gone by morning. I want a snow storm, and I want one NOW!!! ;)

Alekx said...

That was me the year I moved to Salt Lake City Utah in December. the night I got there it snowed 18 inches. The jerks I was staying with (acutally I love them to death) talked me into leaving my truck parked on the street. The snow plow burried it. Arughhhhh

whatevergirl said...

LOL! I hate winter!

Biddie said...

Did you read my diary! LOL.
I had to shovel my way out of the house one day last week before I could get to the hospital. Of course, after the shovelling, that freaking plow came by!
It is pretty warm here today. I hear that it is going up to 10. Can you imagine?

Babzy said...

I always say about snow "The good Lord put it there and the good Lord can take it away."

Of course living on the West Coast this really happens. A foot of snow is gone the next day.

Phoenix5 said...

I'm laughing so hard I can barely see to type this! hooooo boy! Thanks for the laughs, Flake! I've been watching the snow melt today, almost faster than it came. It may be warmer, but it is SUCH a dismal, damp day out there... the laughs were greatly needed.

chelle said...

HAHAHAHA!
As a Canadian just returning from the Southern States .... I can so relate to this!!!!!

My daughter has grown up pretty much exclusively with warm weather, but was so excited to return to Canada and play in the slow. After three days of blowing snow she comes to me and says "Mmmmoooommmm .... Did you know that snow is COLD?" hehehe

jAMiE said...

I loved that, thanks for posting it..where do you find this stuff?