Sunday, December 9, 2007

SOS: THE MARRIAGE FROM HELL

What a crazy weekend it has been...I am totally exhausted. I will post more tomorrow about the weekend as tonight I rejoin the troops for Soap Opera Sunday. Please stop by and see brillig and kate for the rules and linky love for SOS...it is their mastermind....I have missed participating, so I am glad to be back.

This SOS saga is a long one so please bare with me. I started writing it today thinking it would be a little, one day blurb...and suddenly I found the words pouring out of me. I sat and wrote for over two hours...and surprised myself. Therefore, it will be spread out over 3 or 4 sundays...it might not be as much of a "soap opera" as some of my other stories...but it is a story I needed to write...and the time is right for me to share it...so here it goes. As always, names have been changed to protect the innocent (or in this case to protect ME).......

I will start by explaining that I was married in June of 1993 to the biological father of the gremlins. For the purposes of this SOS we will call him FH. Anyone who has been reading my blog for awhile will already know that FH = fuckhead.... a name that has been more accurate than even I could have imagined.

Honestly, I look back now and realize what an idiot I was. Our relationship had been difficult from the beginning, but we had a 15 month old gremlin together and I figured I might as well marry him, thinking I owed it to the gremlin to make the relationship work.

The week before our wedding was insane. My mom, bff W and I were trying to get everything ready and FH was absolutely NO help (not that he was ever good for much anyway). By the morning of our wedding, I had managed about 3 hours sleep in the previous 48 hours and I was wound for sound. The plan was supposed to be that my sister N was supposed to watch over the gremlin while my sister D was going to help me get ready and run errands. At the last minute, BOTH sisters decided to bail on me. I was sitting in the hall with the decorations and the gremlin, crying. To say I was angry would be an understatement. I was so mad I got into a screaming match with both sisters. I told them to both fuck-a-duck and not bother coming. They, being the wonderful sisters they are, decided to infact come to the ceremony and reception so they could do everything possible to make my day as miserable as they could...what nice sisters I have....After the screaming match, I wanted to give up and just call off the wedding...(such a shame I didn't trust that instinct..lol).

Anyway, our wedding day was symbolic of our marriage. It was one long battle and there were times that I am still surprised we didn't kill each other..

From the start, I was miserable and knew I had made a mistake but I didn't see any better option at the time. I knew I didn't want to be alone with a young gremlin and I was convinced that there was nothing better out there for me. After all, who else would love me....I was fat and ugly and had spent my entire life having people I love tell me I wasn't good enough and showing me I was unworthy of real love. I had a young gremlin to take care of and I figured even being miserable in a terrible marriage was better than being miserable and all alone. I justified this bad choice by trying to convince myself that it didn't matter what a terrible husband FH was because he loved his gremlin. He wasn't a great father either, but he did love her ( as much as any fucked-up, good for nothing shithead could...but that is another rant entirely..lol)

I look back now and regret somewhat how weak I was . I hope when they are all grown, the gremlins won't hate me for how my bad choices have impacted their lives....

Tune in next week for part 2...the beginning of the end of "the marriage from hell"...........

As always, to be continued...........

5 comments:

Burfica said...

all of Gigantor's family bailed on him last minute too. I know the pain he went through, can only imagine the pain you felt.

Will be watching for the next chapter.

janet said...

some of your story resonates with me -- especially the "shame i didn't trust that instinct" and the "hope ... they won't hate me for how my bad choices have impacted their lives" part.

i too will be watching for chapter 2.

~JJ! said...

You are brave for getting out.
I am proud of you.

Hammer said...

Thats got to be a tough siuation.

I'll stay tuned.

Phoenix5 said...

Isn't writing therapeutic? I hope you found some peace and closure through this exercise. I'll be tuning in next week for Chapter 2.

Love ya, my friend!