hmmm

WOWZERS

wowzers....I can not believe how long it has been since I have written here. I was re-reading some of my old posts and again I say wowzers. Some of it was from such a dark time in my life and it is really painful to even read it again. Don't get me wrong...things are not perfect but thank god I have managed to dig myself out of that big hole.

Some days I still have to fight with the dark thoughts that still lurk in my mind....but at least now it isn't every single day. Working has helped a lot...and the gnome is still such a source of support and strength...even when he is driving me nutso!!!

My little gremlins have come so far too...#1 is now working and getting ready to spread her wings and fly...which makes me so proud and scares the crap out of me...in equal measure...lol #2 is still a pain in my azz...and his future scares the crap out of me...but I try hard to take it one day at a time. I guess that is all I can do....I have said it before...get through today and worry about tomorrow when it comes...words to live by !!!

DARKNESS IN THE AIR TODAY

Today is a dark and gloomy day here...and I feel the need to vent.

I don't expect that anyone reads this blog anymore...and I have meant to delete it on more than one occasion...but I still haven't done it.

I guess maybe it is good to have a place to come to write the words that are jumbling around in my head...because some days they need a voice and today is definitely one of those days.

Sometimes I want to scream at the gnome...and tell him that I have had enough and I am finished fighting...that I am tired of treading water and that I just wanna give up and just let it all go and float away.

On days like today, I find myself longing to be normal even though I don't really know that "normal" is...but I am tired of being sad and lonely...tired of wanting to be happy and yet not able to find a way to make myself actually BE happy.

I am so tired of going to work and pretending that everything is okay when it really isn't....wishing for a day off then when I get one I spend it all alone feeling like I am a loser and a worthless person.

When I look back...my past is full of regrets and mistakes...I feel like I messed up everything and made so many bad choices that I can't have a good future...and today is one of those days that make me think maybe it isn't worth trying...

Anyway I am gonna get away from this computer for a bit and try to get my mind off it...will come back again and vent some more...or not...LOL

As always, now and again,to be continued.............

UGHHHHHHHHHHH

Right now I am scared...and confused...and not sure how we are gonna get out of the financial quicksand that we are in right now....

The logical part of my brain says...it will be okay...we have a roof over our heads..we have faced worse than this...we have climbed bigger hills than this one...

But tonight logic isn't winning out...fear is...

When the gnome lost his job and had to get a new one...we also lost our drug plan. The problem is that all 4 of us have prescription drugs that we HAVE to take to survive...and it is getting to the point that we might have to choose between buying the needed drugs and paying our rent.

Unfortunately the stupid ass that is our landlord it the one that caused this mess in the first place and won't give a damn that we can't afford both. We aren't talking about cheap drugs...but they are necessary...

Anyone got a tent that we can use???? I can't even giggle at that...but maybe tomorrow things will look better..

I sure as heck hope so...

As always, to be continued........

P.S. Sorry to anyone that wishes to leave a comment...I have had to add word verification to cut down on the crap and spam I am getting in the comment box....please still leave your comments and they always make me smile..

CASHIER OR BARTENDER????

I think I have decided that I am glad I didn't delete this blog...

It is now the only place where I can rant and rave and not worry about who cares ...I can't even do that on facebook now because I made the mistake of adding my mom and my boss ..LOL.

I have mentioned before that I have worked retail for more than 20 years...and without trying to sound too arrogant, I am pretty darn good at it...but my big mouth does tend to get me in trouble from time to time...

I had to giggle the other day when I was on cash...I was being friendly and chatting with an older lady as I put through her items...smiled and wished her a good day as she headed out into the sunshine. The lady that was next in line had stood and listened to our conversation then said she just HAD to ask me if I had ever been a bartender . After 20 plus years, I thought I had heard just about every question there was...but this one took me back a moment. When I said no , she said that she had wondered because in the minute or 2 that I had helped the old lady, I had managed to get more personal information out of her than most people tell their doctors...

I just smiled and again wished this gal a nice day and off she went...but the more I thought about her comments, the more I found them rather rude!! After all, I was just listening to the lady and being nice, not pumping her for info so I could swindle her out of her life savings...

I have said many times that I think everyone should have to work with the public at some point in their life...even for a little while...thinking that maybe it would make people more likely to be friendly to the cashiers, waitresses and gas attendants of the world...but now I think that isn't necessarily the case.

I think "we are what we learn"...I think that people are who they are and while it would be nice to think everyone is always going to be pleasant and friendly....no one is perfect and I would be lying if I said I was never a little short with someone because I was not feeling well or having a bad day.

I always try my best to be friendly...to smile at strangers and ALWAYS say please and thank you...it may sound silly and simplistic but you would be AMAZED at the people who can't even say thank you even when you have done everything in your power to be helpful and efficient...

The one thing that makes up for it is that the odd time, someone will comment on how friendly I am and thank me...it might not happen often but it makes up for alot of the rudeness my fellow workers and I have to put up with...

Besides, the rude people give us all something to b*tch about...LOL. That's my story and I'm sticking to it....LOL.

As always, to be continued...............

OLD GRUMPY ME

Am I the only one that looks at myself from time to time and think..."wowwwww am I ever a b&^%*" ??I think I only ask this because I do this and I know I am...

Every now and again I find myself saying something and I think...wooooohhhhh boy who is yapping that way....someone put a muzzle on this chick and tell her to shut up...lol.

I believe the technical term is verbal diarhea...a condition that seems to visit me on a weekly basis (if not a daily basis)...but in my defense I will say it isn't intentional and I do try to be a good person...

I have been trying so hard to behave and keep my mouth shut these days and it sure isn't easy...

Take my job for instance...every time I start to think I am belonging...they pull the rug out from under me...and I wanna screammmmmmm and tell them to smarten up...

After all, I am not perfect...and farrrrrrrrr from it...but I also try my darnedest to always be helpful, friendly and a good hard worker...then I have a day like today that makes me wonder why I even try.

Bosslady was very nice...even when I had to leave early due to illness which I NEVER do... but at the same time, she messed with my schedule for next week so I have almost no hours...

I wanted to swear at her and yell sooooooo bad that I literally cut my tongue from biting it...lucky I had to leave early or I might not have made it...lol.

Verbal diarhea can be a real pain in the...well you know...lol. Anyone got some pepto bismal....

As always, to be continued (even if it isn`t daily...lol).....

LONG TIME,NO TYPE

It has been a longggggg time since I have posted here....

I have gone to the link for this blog a number of times with the intent of deleting it and being done with it....but something stops me everytime.

The logical side of my brain tells me to do it...just click "delete blog" and it will be done that quickly....after all, no one even comes to read it that I know of....but still I can't allow myself to do it...

I started this blog at the urging of an online friend...we had a falling out but I still think of her from time to time...and wonder how life is treating her. This blog was a valuable tool in the beginning...as I fought to find a light in the darkness and a path out of a long never-ending tunnel...this blog gave me a voice to say the things that I was thinking and couldn't vocalize...

I know the gnome's love for me is unconditional and never ending....but until you have been in the depths of depression you can never truly understand how much it isolates you...and it can destroy you if you don't find a voice that allows you to say what you need to say...uncensored ....and an ability to find a way to ask for help...or something to hold on to so you don't sink even deeper...

I was blessed with a very special friend that has helped me more than she will ever know...I tell her everytime I talk to her how much I love her because she is a gift from God and there is no way I would have ever survived this last year without her wisdom, guidance and strength.... she is so brave and amazing...she listens to me endlessly without judgement...supports me always, and calls me on my shit when it is needed...love ya buddy...you are my rock and my angel...

This blog has allowed me to have a voice...I am not done my battle and I am not sure I ever will be...but at least I have gotten to a place where I can once again "fake it" when I am having a bad day...and appreciate the sunshine when I am having a better day!!

I have a few friends that I met through this blog that I now have on facebook ...I enjoy keeping up with their lives that way. If you are reading this and want to be one of those friends, please leave a comment and I can contact you with info how to add me.

Once again, I am here posting...when I need to...I am not ready to hit that "delete blog" button and I am okay with that...

Hope this finds everyone in bloggerland well...

Once again and as always, to be continued................