Canadian Flake

WOWZERS

2011-01-27T15:17:00.002-05:00

wowzers....I can not believe how long it has been since I have written here. I was re-reading some of my old posts and again I say wowzers. Some of it was from such a dark time in my life and it is really painful to even read it again. Don't get me wrong...things are not perfect but thank god I have managed to dig myself out of that big hole.

Some days I still have to fight with the dark thoughts that still lurk in my mind....but at least now it isn't every single day. Working has helped a lot...and the gnome is still such a source of support and strength...even when he is driving me nutso!!!

My little gremlins have come so far too...#1 is now working and getting ready to spread her wings and fly...which makes me so proud and scares the crap out of me...in equal measure...lol #2 is still a pain in my azz...and his future scares the crap out of me...but I try hard to take it one day at a time. I guess that is all I can do....I have said it before...get through today and worry about tomorrow when it comes...words to live by !!!

DARKNESS IN THE AIR TODAY

2010-06-03T16:12:00.002-04:00

Today is a dark and gloomy day here...and I feel the need to vent.

I don't expect that anyone reads this blog anymore...and I have meant to delete it on more than one occasion...but I still haven't done it.

I guess maybe it is good to have a place to come to write the words that are jumbling around in my head...because some days they need a voice and today is definitely one of those days.

Sometimes I want to scream at the gnome...and tell him that I have had enough and I am finished fighting...that I am tired of treading water and that I just wanna give up and just let it all go and float away.

On days like today, I find myself longing to be normal even though I don't really know that "normal" is...but I am tired of being sad and lonely...tired of wanting to be happy and yet not able to find a way to make myself actually BE happy.

I am so tired of going to work and pretending that everything is okay when it really isn't....wishing for a day off then when I get one I spend it all alone feeling like I am a loser and a worthless person.

When I look back...my past is full of regrets and mistakes...I feel like I messed up everything and made so many bad choices that I can't have a good future...and today is one of those days that make me think maybe it isn't worth trying...

Anyway I am gonna get away from this computer for a bit and try to get my mind off it...will come back again and vent some more...or not...LOL

As always, now and again,to be continued.............

UGHHHHHHHHHHH

2010-03-16T22:10:00.002-04:00

Right now I am scared...and confused...and not sure how we are gonna get out of the financial quicksand that we are in right now....

The logical part of my brain says...it will be okay...we have a roof over our heads..we have faced worse than this...we have climbed bigger hills than this one...

But tonight logic isn't winning out...fear is...

When the gnome lost his job and had to get a new one...we also lost our drug plan. The problem is that all 4 of us have prescription drugs that we HAVE to take to survive...and it is getting to the point that we might have to choose between buying the needed drugs and paying our rent.

Unfortunately the stupid ass that is our landlord it the one that caused this mess in the first place and won't give a damn that we can't afford both. We aren't talking about cheap drugs...but they are necessary...

Anyone got a tent that we can use???? I can't even giggle at that...but maybe tomorrow things will look better..

I sure as heck hope so...

As always, to be continued........

P.S. Sorry to anyone that wishes to leave a comment...I have had to add word verification to cut down on the crap and spam I am getting in the comment box....please still leave your comments and they always make me smile..

CASHIER OR BARTENDER????

2010-03-13T11:29:00.002-05:00

I think I have decided that I am glad I didn't delete this blog...

It is now the only place where I can rant and rave and not worry about who cares ...I can't even do that on facebook now because I made the mistake of adding my mom and my boss ..LOL.

I have mentioned before that I have worked retail for more than 20 years...and without trying to sound too arrogant, I am pretty darn good at it...but my big mouth does tend to get me in trouble from time to time...

I had to giggle the other day when I was on cash...I was being friendly and chatting with an older lady as I put through her items...smiled and wished her a good day as she headed out into the sunshine. The lady that was next in line had stood and listened to our conversation then said she just HAD to ask me if I had ever been a bartender . After 20 plus years, I thought I had heard just about every question there was...but this one took me back a moment. When I said no , she said that she had wondered because in the minute or 2 that I had helped the old lady, I had managed to get more personal information out of her than most people tell their doctors...

I just smiled and again wished this gal a nice day and off she went...but the more I thought about her comments, the more I found them rather rude!! After all, I was just listening to the lady and being nice, not pumping her for info so I could swindle her out of her life savings...

I have said many times that I think everyone should have to work with the public at some point in their life...even for a little while...thinking that maybe it would make people more likely to be friendly to the cashiers, waitresses and gas attendants of the world...but now I think that isn't necessarily the case.

I think "we are what we learn"...I think that people are who they are and while it would be nice to think everyone is always going to be pleasant and friendly....no one is perfect and I would be lying if I said I was never a little short with someone because I was not feeling well or having a bad day.

I always try my best to be friendly...to smile at strangers and ALWAYS say please and thank you...it may sound silly and simplistic but you would be AMAZED at the people who can't even say thank you even when you have done everything in your power to be helpful and efficient...

The one thing that makes up for it is that the odd time, someone will comment on how friendly I am and thank me...it might not happen often but it makes up for alot of the rudeness my fellow workers and I have to put up with...

Besides, the rude people give us all something to b*tch about...LOL. That's my story and I'm sticking to it....LOL.

As always, to be continued...............

OLD GRUMPY ME

2010-03-10T20:58:00.003-05:00

Am I the only one that looks at myself from time to time and think..."wowwwww am I ever a b&^%*" ??I think I only ask this because I do this and I know I am...

Every now and again I find myself saying something and I think...wooooohhhhh boy who is yapping that way....someone put a muzzle on this chick and tell her to shut up...lol.

I believe the technical term is verbal diarhea...a condition that seems to visit me on a weekly basis (if not a daily basis)...but in my defense I will say it isn't intentional and I do try to be a good person...

I have been trying so hard to behave and keep my mouth shut these days and it sure isn't easy...

Take my job for instance...every time I start to think I am belonging...they pull the rug out from under me...and I wanna screammmmmmm and tell them to smarten up...

After all, I am not perfect...and farrrrrrrrr from it...but I also try my darnedest to always be helpful, friendly and a good hard worker...then I have a day like today that makes me wonder why I even try.

Bosslady was very nice...even when I had to leave early due to illness which I NEVER do... but at the same time, she messed with my schedule for next week so I have almost no hours...

I wanted to swear at her and yell sooooooo bad that I literally cut my tongue from biting it...lucky I had to leave early or I might not have made it...lol.

Verbal diarhea can be a real pain in the...well you know...lol. Anyone got some pepto bismal....

As always, to be continued (even if it isn`t daily...lol).....

LONG TIME,NO TYPE

2010-03-09T10:37:00.002-05:00

It has been a longggggg time since I have posted here....

I have gone to the link for this blog a number of times with the intent of deleting it and being done with it....but something stops me everytime.

The logical side of my brain tells me to do it...just click "delete blog" and it will be done that quickly....after all, no one even comes to read it that I know of....but still I can't allow myself to do it...

I started this blog at the urging of an online friend...we had a falling out but I still think of her from time to time...and wonder how life is treating her. This blog was a valuable tool in the beginning...as I fought to find a light in the darkness and a path out of a long never-ending tunnel...this blog gave me a voice to say the things that I was thinking and couldn't vocalize...

I know the gnome's love for me is unconditional and never ending....but until you have been in the depths of depression you can never truly understand how much it isolates you...and it can destroy you if you don't find a voice that allows you to say what you need to say...uncensored ....and an ability to find a way to ask for help...or something to hold on to so you don't sink even deeper...

I was blessed with a very special friend that has helped me more than she will ever know...I tell her everytime I talk to her how much I love her because she is a gift from God and there is no way I would have ever survived this last year without her wisdom, guidance and strength.... she is so brave and amazing...she listens to me endlessly without judgement...supports me always, and calls me on my shit when it is needed...love ya buddy...you are my rock and my angel...

This blog has allowed me to have a voice...I am not done my battle and I am not sure I ever will be...but at least I have gotten to a place where I can once again "fake it" when I am having a bad day...and appreciate the sunshine when I am having a better day!!

I have a few friends that I met through this blog that I now have on facebook ...I enjoy keeping up with their lives that way. If you are reading this and want to be one of those friends, please leave a comment and I can contact you with info how to add me.

Once again, I am here posting...when I need to...I am not ready to hit that "delete blog" button and I am okay with that...

Hope this finds everyone in bloggerland well...

Once again and as always, to be continued................

CALMING DREAMS

2009-07-27T22:32:00.003-04:00

Today was a much better day...even the weather decided to co operate and give us a break from all the rain we have been getting.

We went to see my Mom tonight which I always am glad to do....moved away 3 years ago and I still miss her every day as much as I did then.

We are all adjusting to life without Sylvester....although it is hard...but something happened last night that has helped me a lot.

Since we put him down I have been feeling soooooo guilty....the gnome wanted to go to the vet a week ago but I kept stalling because I really didn't think it was anything serious and I didn't want to get roped into spending alot of money that we really can't afford....so of course my first thoughts were that we might have saved him if I had gone right away. The vet assured me that this isn't the case but I have still felt bad....couldn't help thinking what iffff......

Anyway, last night in the middle of the night I felt a soft kitty resting against my side and purring loudly....I reached out to pet Tigger assuming he was there only to find there was nothing there....I got up to go to the bathroom and saw Tigger upstairs so I assumed I had just been dreaming.

When I got back to bed I couldn't sleep...it had seemed so real and vivid. The more I thought about it, the more I came to believe that it was Sylvester laying with me as I slept. He knew that I have been missing him but also been torturing myself with guilt over him....I honestly believe that he came to be with me for a bit...so I would know that he is okay and happy now in heaven. When he went to sleep that last day I told him to go to heaven and reassured him that it would be okay...that Bootsie would be there waiting for him to take care of him until I could be there to take care of them both when it is my time to see them again one day....

It may seem odd to some.....but it has given me some peace today....I miss him still and have cried again today....and will prolly cry again at some point tomorrow...maybe even the next day too...but at least I feel calmer knowing him loved me enough to come back and let me know he is okay....that helps a great deal.

As always, to be continued.......

TIRED AND MISSING MY BABY

2009-07-26T21:09:00.003-04:00

Still sad and still trying to deal with missing my baby....but still loving the new laptop. In a few days I will have a new router that should allow me to go online while laying comfortably in bed ..been waiting along time for this machine.

We are all hanging in there...I hardly slept last night and when I did, I dreamt about Sylvester...I saw him wondering around looking lost...and meowing as if calling out for me...or perhaps for his brother Tigger.

Poor Tigger keeps wondering around looking for him....as if he is hiding and waiting to pounce as he always did....it makes me cry over and over again...

More tomorrow...going to try to get some rest and forget for awhile...

As always, to be continued..................TI

BROKEN HEART

2009-07-25T17:41:00.003-04:00

Today we are all feeling very sad here. I haven't posted in months and I am sure no one comes to read this anymore but I need to type and vent. A few months ago, at the end of April, we lost our dear sweet bootsie....and I still miss her every single day. She wasn't just a cat...she was a beloved member of our family for 19 years...She had a good long life and it was sad to see her go but we knew it was time to send her to heaven where she could be free and without pain.

I had my mind made up that we wouldn't get any more pets...because we all get so attached and I am the one that has to deal with all the bad stuff and everything that comes with that. We only lasted a few weeks and we had two lovely kittens come into our life that were barn cats and needed a caring home.....so of course I caved and we took them both. We have only had them for about 7 weeks...

Today we had to take Sylvester to the vet. He has been having some problems for about a week now...and we were worried we were feeding him the wrong food or something. We were in NO way prepared for the diagnosis we received. It turns out the poor little guy had a misformed bowel from birth and there was nothing they could do to save him. He was starting to suffer (which is why we took him to the vet) and she told us that his pain would only increase until he suffered a painful death...which we could not allow.

She assured us that death was certain...and that he would only get worse so we were forced to do the only humane thing and put him to sleep. As I sit here typing, my heart is broken...and I am once again crying. I only had a few short months with him....but I loved him with every ounce of love in my heart and I shall miss him forever and always...

We made the only decision that we could for a family member we will love for all time...but that doesn't make it an easy one does it?

The only good news of the weekend is that we finally bought a laptop last night...my hernia has gotten so bad that I can't go on the desktop because it kills me to even sit there for a few minutes...hopefully this will be the answer...keeping my fingers crossed that having some access to the internet again will improve my mindset...although today hasn't helped at all to be sure...

I will be back again....have sooooooooo much to share but no energy to do it right now...

Not as always.,..but eventually, to be continued..lol

R.I.P MY FRIENDS

2009-04-18T20:42:00.005-04:00

This week has been a long, hard one for us . Tuesday night as I waited for the gnome to get home from bowling the phone rang and I saw it was my Mom's number calling. As I reached to answer, I said a quick prayer that she was okay (as loosing her is among my greatest fears). She was calling to tell me that my Uncle had a massive heart attack and was dead. It has come as a shock to us all. He was only 64 and there wasn't really any warning this was coming...but I am glad he went quickly and didn't linger on.

Last night was his wake. It wasn't easy but I am really glad I was able to go. It was good to see everyone even though it was for such a tragic occasion.

Today was a day that I had been dreading for a long time. My dearest friend is the world has gone to heaven to be an angel (next to the gnome of course).

Bootsie was 19 years old and was the best pet I could have ever asked for. She came to me when she was only a few weeks old because some sicko threw her in the snow bank and left her to die. I came across her and took her in. It was certainly their loss because she was a devoted and loving friend until the very end. Unfortunately, her health took a turn over the last few days and I couldn't let her suffer. I loved her way too much to see her continue, so today I took her to the vet and ended her pain.

Heaven has 2 more angels this week....and my heart is broken.

I love you Uncle John...and to my dear sweet Bootsie, I will think of you every day and love you forever. We will be together again one day, so wait for me in heaven my friend.

As always, to be continued.........................

A QUICK HOWDY

2009-03-18T19:15:00.004-04:00

I don't know where the time goes....I can't believe I haven't posted in 2 months. I honestly have meant to....the days just seem to slip away from me...guess that is a sign of old age..lmao.

Things are chugging along here...I am still working at the dollar store and that has really helped things a lot. Getting out of the house has made a big difference (as I figured it would..lol). As with every job, it has it's ups and downs...it isn't always easy dealing with fellow co-workers and their moods...but overall there are more ups than downs...so that it is for the best!!!

The gremlins and gnome are all doing well. Gremlin #1 will be 17 on the 26th of this month. The same day is my bday too but my old age isn't even worth mentioning...lol. I don't know where the years go...it's so hard to believe that my little gremlin will be 17......it seems like just yesterday I was sitting in the living room with her and #2 listening to Barney and begging for 5 minutes of peace and quiet...which I never did manage to get...lmao.

Well if anyone does come to read this, I will be back again soon. I do promise not to be gone quite so long this time...

My thoughts, prayers and love are with you all...

As always, to be continued...........

BELATED HAPPY 2009

2009-01-27T05:32:00.004-05:00

Wowzers....I can't believe how long it has been since I have posted here. I do not know where the time since Christmas has gone.

First, let me send out best wishes to anyone that stops in to read this....I hope you are all having a wonderful and healthy 2009. So far, this year is getting off to a MUCH better start than 2008 did (although I find it hard to believe it could have been that much worse...lol).

I am still working at the dollar store thank GOD and that has made such a huge difference in my life. I have felt sort of guilty because I have been getting hours weekly and the other xmas girl they hired isn't getting any hours at all....but then I remind myself that this job has been my life line and for that reason, I need the hours more than she ever could.

I work with a great bunch of people and I love them all dearly (all except one that I shall refer to as Mrs B...and yes B does equal BITCH...LOL) More about her to follow another day...haha.

The gnome and gremlins are all well and we had a good holiday season....the grandparents spoiled both gremlins like crazy...which always makes for a fun time..lmao.

I am still working a few hrs a week in "hell" also. I look forward to the day when I can quit that job.....but that will have to wait until things are a little more stable at the dollar store.

The only sad news I have to report is that my old cat is getting ready to give up the ghost. Her health has taken a turn for the worse and I fear we will be going to visit a vet within the next week or 2 to have her put down. She is 19 and has lived a good long life.....but we shall all miss her greatly.

I have missed you all and plan to get back to posting regularly. Sorry I have been away so long. My love to you all and I will stop in to your blogs and say hi over the next few days.

As always, to be continued....................

A QUICK HELLO TO ALL

2008-12-16T07:06:00.004-05:00

Hello to ev1

Just a quick hello to let anyone that stops in that I AM still alive and kicking.....

What a whirlwind couple of months it has been...I have been working like crazy, enjoying the new job and trying to get the darkness under control. The new job at the dollar store has been a blessing and has made SUCH a big difference in my mind set.

I have spent 2 months working with a great bunch of gals that make me giggle and laugh almost every single day I work...what a gift that has been!!! More importantly, I have made friends...that have managed to fight off the loneliness and allowed me to see the light on the other side of the tunnel.

It has been a long dark road...and it isn't a journey I have enjoyed...but I have learned some very important lessons and been reminded that I am loved...and God is listening to me, even if I don't get the answer I need right away everything DOES happen the way HE wants it to...

I will be back soon...off to work another long day...woooohooooooo

As always, to be continued...........

HUNTING AND BOATING

2008-10-06T12:50:00.005-04:00

I have absolutely noooooo idea where the last week has gone....I am not sure if that is a good or bad sign..lmao.

Finally took the bull by the horns and got out job hunting last week. I had 2 interviews both of which ended in a job offer.

The one I accepted is casual work at a dollar store in town..it might not sound like much but I have a good vibe about it and I am actually looking forward to getting started.

Got all my fingers and toes crossed here....

Went on a boat cruise yesterday on MY river...sometimes I forget how much that river restores and rejuvenates me...only wish I lived closer now...but it was still great to see it again...

Took some nice pics...will post them over the next few days..

As always, to be continued.....

TUESDAY FOLLIES

2008-09-30T21:02:00.001-04:00

I have seen this funny many times...and it makes me giggle every single time...so thought I would pass it along..lmao

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

As always, to be continued.........

AUTUMN ARRIVES

2008-09-27T16:47:00.003-04:00

It must be fall in Canada...

leaves are turning colours...the nights are getting colder...

And in the last week, both gremlins and the gnome have shared a cold..

And guess who woke up with it this morning???

Man oh man, it is the momma bear that gets to have all the fun..lmaoooooooo

As always (even if no one listens..lol) to be continued....

MOM VS MOMMY

2008-09-20T17:19:00.003-04:00

Did anyone know that when gremlins get sick...no matter how old they are, they still always want their Mommy...lol

On Thursday, I had to go pick up #2 from school because he was sick and they felt he had a fever...so Mommy to the rescue of course...

Today #1 woke up with it and the poor thing looks just dreadful...and as much as I hate to see her feeling this poorly, I can't help but smile a bit too...

She is 16 now...and it is always "oh Mommmmmmm this..." or oh Mommmm that..." as she rolls her eyes at the same time...

But today, my dear baby gremlin is really sick...so for today, I am once again Mommy...the one that can protect her and help her until she feels better again...and show her the proper amount of sympathy too of course...lmao.

It isn't nice to have sick gremlins...but it IS nice to be " Mommy" again...for a short while at least...lol

As always, to be continued......

FIRST DAY SURVIVOR

2008-09-19T12:22:00.002-04:00

OKKKKKKKK SURVIVED THE FIRST SHIFT OF THE NEW JOB

IS TELEMARKETING...GREAT BOSS BUT NOT SURE HOW LONG I CAN DO THIS

WILL TALK MORE ABOUT IT WHEN I CAN BREATHE AGAIN..LOL

as always, to be continued...........

CHICKEN LITTLE IN CANADA

2008-09-18T12:17:00.004-04:00

Today I pose a question...which is simply this???

Am I the only one that gets scared like a chicken shit when change occurs???

I got a second job today...starting it tomorrow. It is telemarketing out of my home...which makes me nervous even though I have retail and sales experience.

I know this should be a good thing...they guy seems nice...but after talking on the phone to him for about 15 minutes he hired me...

Now my thoughts are...if this job ISN'T terrible why is the guy so hard up for help??? Am I about to get screwed yet again???

I guess time will tell...

As always, to be continued.............

ELECTION DEBATE OR DEBACLE??

2008-09-17T08:18:00.004-04:00

OK today I wanna talk about something different...I want to invite y'all to enlighten me about American politics (as long as no one throws any chairs, feel free to be honest ..as a Canadian, I can't be offended..lol)

I have always found the American election process intriguing...I can still see in my mind the day I watched the inauguration of Bush JR and SR, Clinton, hell even Reagan (yeah yeah okay I am old..lmao)

Anyway, I have read a few posts recently talking about McCain's running mate....whether or not she is making a mistake exposing her family to such scrutiny.

First, let me mention that we Canadians are also having an election...but when it was called, the length of the entire process is only about 5 weeks....a bit of a whirlwind maybe, but I can compare it to removing a bandaid....sometimes it is just better to rip it off quickly and not draw out the process too long...lmao.

I do not begin to understand or judge what Governor Palin was thinking when she decided that it was wise to make this career choice....although I think maybe a female vice president would do you yanks a world of good...roflmao ( sorry can never pass up a chance to jab at you guys...lol).

One blog I read recently talked about how relentless the press can be to get dirt on the children of elected officials...and I thought that was an interesting point. Remember the heyday that surrounded Chelsea Clinton...not to mention those Bush Twins. While I completely agree that this is wrong...that these poor girls are raked over the coals in a VERY unfair manner...I am also reminded that life is very rarely fair...

Again, I state that I do not in ANY way judge the Governor's decision...but as a mama, my instinct would be to hide and protect my baby if she was young and dealing with an unexpected pregnancy....not because I would be ashamed of her...but because the world can be, and is, often very cruel and harsh.

Soooooooo what do y'all think??? Please feel free to express yourself....I am honestly interested in your thoughts and opinions..as an interested bystander...

Remember I have said before, I am convinced I was an American in a former life.. lmao

As always, to be continued......................

OK I CAN ADMIT WHEN I AM WRONG

2008-09-15T10:45:00.003-04:00

Ok I can admit when I have made a mistake...and I certainly have with my last post. The truth is my brain is still pretty mucked up...but through this blog I have met some pretty kick-ass great bloggers...and I miss you all.

I have sat here for the last few hours, reading blogs and getting caught up on the goings-ons in your lives over the last few months...and it has really been enlightening.

I think part of what makes depression such a terrible thing to deal with is that it not only sucks the life out of you...but it draws you into a deep dark hole and you lose sight of the world around you.

As I sat here today reading, I really enjoyed catching up...whether it be reading about Jamie's continuing battle against cancer...or JJ's insights into how a young child deals with the concept of trying to understand death...or corky's always funny antics...etc etc etc...

It was good, it reminded me that there is life out there...I honestly think I had forgotten that. And the truth is, I need to blog...I need to be able to type out the thoughts that are in my head...if only to get them straightened around in my mind or to release some of the pressure that builds up in there...

So this is what I have decided to do...I have started a second blog...one that is private and just for me...sort of like an online diary...I have been blogging my deepest and darkest thoughts..and because no one at all (even the gnome) is reading it, I can be as brutally blunt and honest as I want to...and don't have to feel the need to censor myself...

That being said, I miss you all and do very much miss communicating here with you. So I will continue to blog here...whether or not anyone comes back to read...BUT I will blog here when I can be upbeat or share a funny joke. That way, for now, I can get what I need without giving up the bloggers I have come to care for so much....Maybe someday I will post some of the writings from the other blog...maybe not...I guess time will tell...

Hope to see y'all again soon, I will be visiting and lurking your blogs catching up again....

Once again, and as always, TO BE CONTINUED...........

GOOD BYE POST

2008-09-04T14:33:00.003-04:00

Edit:
Not sure why this post wasn't allowing comments, it wasn't something I had done(maybe a blogger fart). I think it is fixed now...thanks to Brillig for letting me know about the problem...take care.

This will be my final post on this blog.

When I started posting 18 months ago, I found it to be a valuable tool for me to straighten things out in my mind , sometimes to vent and or share funny gremlin stories. But I don't feel this way anymore so I am done.

I posted something 2 days ago that was very raw...and hard to right...but I did feel better when I was done...which was the point of it all in the first place...

Since that post, it seems that I haven't been able to read my blog without getting angry or upset and that isn't helping so I am walking away.

I know that all the comments were left with the best of intentions...but right now, I don't feel helped I feel...almost insulted.

At first, I read the comments and even though they did upset me, I considered them thoughtfully and discussed them with the gnome. But after I wrote a post stating that I AM getting medical attention and feel that is all I need right now...there were comments left that upset me all over again instead of just letting it drop. By posting, I understand I opened myself up to comments...but by others commenting , I feel that I have the right to further comment....

Again, PLEASE understand that I honestly do know that these people were commenting because they care...and it is not my intention to be rude in anyway. I can only be honest about how I feel...I feel that just because I expressed myself and was very honest about my depression, that doesn't mean that I am somehow incapable of having judgement about what is best for me. I stated clearly that while I agree hospitalization is a very important tool, it is not for me. I admit I am depressed and as soon as it got to the point where I felt needed help, I contacted my doctor immediately. Being depressed does not mean that I can't be self aware...I am not burying my head in the sand hoping it will all just go away...and dealing with things to the best of my current ability.....

Thank you all for caring and listening all these months. It has meant a great deal to me. But I went without for posting for weeks because I didn't feel I could be honest and I didn't want to pretend....but everytime I have opened my blog in the last 48 hours, it has only upset me or irritated me...and it just isn't worth it anymore. From the first post, I said that when it wasn't fun or helpful anymore, I was gone...and I am there...

I will be lurking around many of your blogs, although probably not commenting much.

Please take care ev1, my love is sent to you all..always!!!

ROCK AND HARD PLACE-ITIS

2008-09-03T17:56:00.003-04:00

Today was a better day...thank god!!! I still missed the gremlins and was terribly lonely but did a better job of staying calm and keeping things in perspective. That seems to be one of the biggest battles....to remember that it is okay to have bad days and enjoy the good ones when they come along.

Thanks to all for the thoughtful comments from my post yesterday. While I do not agree even a little bit that I need to be institutionalized, I still REALLY appreciate everyone's kind words of support ..they mean so very much to me .

When I first talked to my doctor about starting the anti depressants, we also discussed the possibility of me getting counselling. He explained that in this part of my province, as is the case in many places in Canada, there just isn't enough counsellors to come close to being able to cope with the demand. He called it a catch 22....because in most cases counselling will prevent a person's depression from deepening but it is next to impossible to get a counsellor here until you are at the point where you are a danger to yourself or others....which I am NOT!!

Let me state clearly that I am NOT suicidal nor have I been at anytime through this dark time. That being said, I also agree that counselling would more that likely be helpful, but it just isn't an option right now in my area, although my doc did say if things don't improve in the next few months, he would get me on a few waiting lists.

Honestly, it isn't a mystery to me at all what the problem is...I just feel stuck and helpless to improve the situation. I have lived in this town for 2 years now and still do not have a single friend here. I work out of my home so I have little to no contact with anyone other than the gnome and gremlins...and this town is barely big enough to be a dot on a map so there is nothing to do here socially. Some people would be okay living like a hermet but I am not wired that way.

Together the gnome and I have talked about moving back home...but there is just no way we can swing it. Even if we could afford the move itself, we surely can't afford going back to paying for gas so he can commute an hour to work everyday. With all the meds we are all on, we couldn't afford to lose his drug plan. Add the fact that he has an AWESOME boss and I would never ask him to sacrifice that for me...so that is the proverbial rock and hard place I am stuck between.

Things are compounded with the lack of employers in this town...no employers means no escape from a crappy job. I had hung on to hope through the summer because Walmart was scheduled to build and open a store here . But the word came down a few weeks ago that they have put the plans on ice for at least a year,maybe longer...so that sorta dashed my hopes a bit.

Anyway, sorry this rant was so long again. It all boils down to feeling hopeless and helpless...which does get tiresome after awhile. But today was a better day....so I am just gonna remind myself to give thanks for the good days...and breathe through the bad days...it's the only thing I can do for now. Thank you all again and my love to you all.

As always, to be continued...................

BREATHING AND TRYING NOT TO CRY

2008-09-02T09:24:00.004-04:00

NOTE : The following is a long rant...was me trying to get past some stuff...

Here I sit..all alone with tears streaming down my cheeks...praying for strength. At this moment, it is hard to see to even type but I feel I must at least try.

Today the gremlins both started high school (#1 in grade 11 and #2 in grade 9).....and all I can feel is terror and loneliness.

I haven't blogged much this summer... I felt I couldn't use this blog in the way I intended when I first started posting. I couldn't pretend that everything was okay...it was taking all my strength to try to keep my shit together for the gnome and gremlins...I couldn't pretend here....so I walked away.

When I started this blog a year and a half ago, I wanted a place to vent and get out the words that were whirling around in my head. The last 6 months have been among the most difficult in my life. I have fallen into a very dark hole and have spent the last months trying to be stronger and fighting my way out of that hole. I am not there yet...it is a daily battle and I still have to MAKE myself keep fighting and not give up. The gnome has been wonderful (for the most part) but I can see how frustrated he is getting too.

I don't believe that anyone who hadn't battled depression can truly understand how all consuming it can be. He says he knows that it is hard, and I know he is trying his best..but of course, there is no way he could really get it...and of course that isn't his fault.

Sometimes I just want to smack him....last night was one of those times. This weekend was so hard ...I kept breaking down and crying. He was patient and understanding even though there was really nothing he could do to help....all I could do was keep breathing and putting one foot in front of each other and trying to get through it somehow...which I did (as best I could anyway).

Last night, he finally couldn't take anymore. He snapped and started to yell at me. Of course, his timing was impeccable because I had just spent a half hour vomitting and was so dizzy I couldn't even get up off the floor.

I wanted to scream back at him but the words wouldn't come. I wanted to ask if he thought I enjoyed feeling this way?? Did he think that I would choose this terrible path to travel?? Did he think I would want this for myself or for anyone???

Sometimes it is like he just thinks that I am just wallowing in self pity and I could shake it off if I wanted to....that I enjoy feeling this way and that I just sit around feeling sorry for myself instead of trying to get better.

Today is hard...I had to send my gremlins off knowing that I can't protect them...this is something they have to do. Again, this is something that can only be truly understood by someone that deals daily with a learning disabled gremlin...I can't help worrying about them...they are growing up so quickly but they will ALWAYS be my baby gremlins and I want to keep them safe in my arms where no one can hurt them.

But today, my fear is not only for them. I have been dreading this day all summer along....being here again, all alone with my thoughts and fears, and only a cat to help me fight off my demons. It wasn't that I would ever expect the gremlins to help me...but just being here all summer helped. One of the things I hate most about this stupid town is that there is nothing to do.

As soon as the gnome left, I felt the darkness quickly overtaking me so I decided to go out for a walk to stay calm. As I walked, everywhere I could see kids standing and waiting for their bus to come. I tried to keep my eyes down and trudged alone. Walking is still painful since my accident..but today the darkness is more painful. As I turned down the last street to get back to mine, there was a family standing on the lawn with a little girl. I smiled as I passed and the older lady started talking, explaining that they were all there waiting to send off her granddaughter to her first day of kindergarten.

I wished them luck as I hurried along. I worried that she might think me rude, but I had to escape before they saw me starting to cry again. Seeing that little girl brought back with a flood so many memories....amd made me feel angry....angry that I can' t freeze time...fearful of what the future holds for my gremlins.

As I made my way home, just as I was about to my house, I saw the bus that #2 used to ride to school. It slowed for a minute infront of my house then drove past me. That started the old faucets going again.

So again, here I sit, trying not to cry, trying to breathe, counting the minutes til by gremlins come home and praying that someday it will be better...because I don't know much more of this I can take.

As always, to be continued.........

WHERE DID THE SUMMER GO???

2008-08-31T20:00:00.002-04:00

In 36 hours, the gremlins go back to school and the gnome goes back to work (after a week of holidays).

I am trying to have faith...but the idea of them going and being all alone is so scary.

Keep repeating over and over again in my mind...get through today and worry about tomorrow when it comes...

Get through today and worry about tomorrow when it comes...

As always, to be continued.............

SLEEPLESS IN CANADA

2008-08-30T03:59:00.004-04:00

Well here I sit for the second night in a row unable to sleep....too much on my mind I guess.

This is a holiday weekend here in Canada....labour day weekend just like in the US.

The gremlins start school on Tuesday....we went to Grade 9 orientation yesterday for gremlin#2...I think the building shook with fear as we entered at the thought of having both gremlins there..lmao.

I am scared and very worried about him...but trying hard not to think about it...which is resulting in the lack of sleep.

Still trying to learn my way around the new computer...but loving it for sure. The last beastie had gotten so slow...I hadn't realized how bad it had gotten. We still hope to get a new hard drive in it so we can have a second computer for the gnome to use while I am working...but it will just depend on if it is "do-able".

I can't remember if I told y'all about our recent van mishap??? The day after the computer was fried...the gnome took the van in for an oil change. While they were doing this, they noticed there was something wrong with one of the front wheels and investigated a bit further. We were soooooooo happy when the mechanic called the gnome at work to tell him that the van was extremely unsafe to drive and that we were very lucky that we hadn't lost a wheel while driving down the highway.

They also told us that we could NOT drive it without getting it fixed...even one small pot hole could cause the wheel to go flying off.....we had to tell them to go ahead...but had NO idea where we were gonna find $900 to get it fixed..

What a stressful 24 hr period that was....computers blowing up...vans falling apart...and the biggest asshole boss threatening to fire me because I was unable to get online to work my shifts...

All I can say is UGHHHHHHHH .....I sooooooo hate that we still have to beg for help from our parents when we get into financial trouble like this...thank god they were able to save us once again.

Gotta loveeeeeeeee em ( when you don't wanna strangle them..lol)

As always, to be continued.............

LIGHTING MELTS THE FLAKE

2008-08-29T02:16:00.003-04:00

Guess what I have learned over the last 2 weeks???

COMPUTERS DON'T LIKE BEING HIT BY LIGHTNING...

Did y'all know that??? LOL

Almost 2 weeks ago, while I was working, we had a very nasty storm. In the 30 seconds or so that it was taking me to shut down the computer so I could unplug it, our house was hit with lightning. And before anyone asks, the computer WAS plugged into a power bar with a surge protector..lol.

Anyway, we had a huge bolt that actually made the floor shake and my computer made a loud POP...then died. It smelt like something had just been burnt so I knew I was in trouble.

When the storm passed, I decided to plug the computer back in and see if there was any signs of life...but my dear baby had moved on to computer heaven. The hard drive, monitor and modem from my server were ALL fried...

After stressing, fighting with my server (and quite often my gnome)....it was decided that neither the hard drive nor the modem could be saved. Thank god my Mom took pity on me yesterday and helped us purchase a new system...

My boss wasn't overly thrilled because it took me almost 2 weeks to get back online so I couldn't work...it didn't seem to concern him that I wouldn't have even BEEN online if I hadn't been working and trying to complete the task that I was in the middle of..have I mentioned before what an ass he is??? LMAO.

Anyway, I am thrilled to be back online. I will be stopping in to catch up over the next few weeks...still trying to learn my way around this new system. The old machine had windows XP but this one has Vista. It doesn't seem to be too bad...but there are some settings with it that I am unfamiliar with (ie- I have my email account set up, but for some reason, it automatically deletes any email it thinks is spam..it doesn't put them in the spam/junk folder so I can check it before deleting it). If anyone knows how to fix this, please feel free to pass along this info here or to my email frostedflakefun@yahoo.ca.

I guess the lining in the cloud was that I survived the last 2 weeks without totally loosing it. It was stressful and very upsetting, but it once again showed me that at least the PPE meds (anti depressants) are working to some degree....if this had happened a few months ago, it would have sent me over the edge and further into the darkness..the darkness is still there threatening and lurking..but now I am getting better at turning on a flashlight and trying to trudge along....does that make any sense??? LOL

As always, back online and to be continued.......

OLYMPIC CHEATERS

2008-08-17T22:45:00.003-04:00

I am sitting here growling and screaming at the TV tonight.

As I mentioned earlier in the week, I have been watching a lot of the Olympic coverage this week. I am a HUGE fan of gymnastics and always enjoy cheering for the US women's team( I think I mentioned that too).

Anyway, I usually do like to give ev1 the benefit of the doubt and I don't like to believe that anyone cheats until it is proven (rumph rumph ummmmm sorry Ben Johnson and Marian Jones...but you SUCK!!!!)

I have watched these gymnastics over the last 4 or 5 days and have watched the US get HOSED on more than one occasion while the Chinese are handled medals they haven't deserved.

When I watched the Chinese fall off the beam and have MULTIPLE bobbles and mistakes but still get huge marks compared to an American that had ONE fall then a perfect routine...I am sure they heard me screaming all the way in China...but thought to myself, okkkkkkkk she did have a fall!!

I just finished watching more gymnastics and watched the SAME American get hosed by the very same Chinese gal...the American landed 2 vaults almost perfectly...the Chinese girl fell on her face..not a small hop, she was down on her hands and knees people and still got a medal over the American...

Guess it shows, some cheaters DO prosper eh??? I have sorta routed for the Chinese in the past...but sure as heck will NEVER do that again.....hoping that what goes around,will eventually come around!!!

Think I take these things too personally??? LOL

As always, to be continued........

BB 10 RAMBLINGS

2008-08-16T13:48:00.002-04:00

Well the count down is on...in 5 more days, I will be on holidays for 12 days......woooooooohoooooooo. So much is swirling in my head so forgive me if I ramble.

The gnome and I have been spending every night watching the Olympics...I really like the events that happen more in this first week than later on next week (track events just aren't my thing..lol)

Of course, there is always time to take a break and watch Big Brother...as always, the house mates are a bunch of whacky nuts...but maybe you have to be nutty to live in that kind of environment for the better part of 3 months.

When the season began, I was sorta cheering for Michelle or April , now I think they are both a couples of B... (well ya know...lol).

I never really liked Jesse and was glad to see him get the good ol boot. That Libra chickie was not on my list of favourites either...not real impressed with any mom that has no problem at all leaving her 5 month old twins for 3 months..the big loser!!

Anyway, now I am cheering for Keesha or Dan to win. I think Dan did an awesome job as America's player...something that can really screw your game play up if you aren't careful.

Am I the only one that finds Renny hilarious?? The first week or so, she was irritating as hell...but has really settled down and is fun for a good laugh..lol.

My only disappointment was that I missed last Sunday's show due to a power outage..and there were past guests on from every season (since this is their 10th)...I was looking forward to watching it and have heard it was pretty good.

For any big brother fans, if you haven't already read it, here is an awesome blog devoted completed to BB. I love it and check it out all the time. I am looking forward to tomorrow's show..the first once since Libra got the heeve-hooooooooo..lol.

As always, to be continued................

I AM A U.S.A-AHOLIC

2008-08-14T19:32:00.002-04:00

As the world watches the events in Beijing, I have become convinced once again that I was an American in a former life.

I can't help myself...I see those Americans kicking ass in the pool or beating the snot outta some poor sucker in fencing and I am screaming and cheering them along.

Please don't get me wrong...I am proud to be a Canadian and wouldn't give that up for the world.....and I have been screaming just as loud watching the Canadian athletes....

But there is just something about watching Michael Phelps stand on the podium after he has collected his millionth gold , listening to the stars and stripes that makes me smile and wanna sing along...I just can't help myself.

My favourite sport in the summer Olympics is gymnastics...and I loveeeee watching the USA womens team. I feel so proud of them when they live up to their potential and when they have a bad fall, I just wanna grab them and hold them and tell them it is all gonna be okay...that we still love them and are proud of them (guess that is the momma bear in me...lol)

I will be glued to the TV tonight cheering the girls on and praying that they find the success they deserve so much..my fingers and toes will be crossed..lol.

GO USA GOOOOOOOOOO..lol

As always , to be continued......

FLAKES DON'T FLY IN SUMMER

2008-08-12T17:02:00.003-04:00

I have given a lot of thought to what I wanted to post about today...now that I am back, I find I have sooooo much I want to jabber on about and I am still trying to organize the files in my brain...so I thought the best place to start was with the tale of the ambulance ride I mentioned in my post last night.

The week before last , the gnome had a week of holidays and I decided to take the entire week off to be with him. This is only the 2nd time in the 30 years that I have worked in my life that I have actually taken an entire week off...so I was pretty excited.

After a relaxing weekend, we took the gremlins and went camping for a couple of days. Fun was had by all even though we got rained on a few times.

On Thursday, the gnome and I were out with the gremlins helping them with their paper route. We were on the very last street when this flake got clutsy and had herself a spill. Guess what?? Flakes don't fly (maybe because it isn't winter?? LOL)
Anyway, I managed to shift my weight a bit as I fell to avoid the car that was speeding directly toward me.

The problem came when I tried to stand and felt a searing pain run through my hip and down my leg. I might have yelled out for help if I could have stopped crying long enough. Thank god the gnome was with us or things would NOT have been good. Usually it is just the gremlins and me.

The day didn't turn out to be a lot of fun. Because I couldn't get up and had felt a "pop" in my hip when I fell, someone in the crowd that gathered had the presence of mind to call 911 and get an ambulance.

After a LOT of painful moving and jiggling in the ambulance and ER , along with multiple x-rays it was determined that nothing was broken . I had either torn or pulled all of the muscles in my left hip and thigh...not something I would recommend doing,....lol.

After almost 2 weeks of rest, pain pills and boredom I am starting to finally feel human again (or as human as a flake can feel..lol).

Yesterday was the first day I could finally start to move around a bit...and to make my recovery official, I got a bill for the ambulance ride...guess I should be glad they didn't kick me while I was down and out...lmao.

As always, once and again, to be continued.............

CHECKING IN AND SAYING HI

2008-08-11T20:34:00.002-04:00

Hello out there to anyone that might still be stopping in to check on me....I am still alive.

It has been a long hard road and I have needed to turn inward and try to find the strength to go on....and more importantly, I needed to find some way to have faith again.

I have thought about my blogging buddies often....and I do miss you terribly...but I needed this break to clear my head.

But this is the start of a new week....and as part of my "getting back on track " plan I am going to be blogging again.....even if it is just to share a funny joke or say hello I WILL get back to the business of living again....I guess that is a sign that the PPE (purple people eater...the nickname I gave to the anti depressents because they are infact purple....lol) are starting to work at least somewhat...

I will be lurking and visiting blogs again to see what you all have been up to...I have missed you all and often thought ohh I wonder how sunshine is doing...or I wonder if Biddie and her daughter are well....I have often missed reading about palm springs savant's travels...I find myself pondering ..oh I wonder how Kate is and how brillig made out moving her family...and omgggg I can see now how much I have missed Soap Opera Sunday...lol.

These are just a few examples of h0w much I have missed you ALL while I was on "hiatus"....but I AM back... I will be stalking y'all soon and filling your comment boxes I am sure.

I certainly have lots of materials for posts...from crazy summer antics with the gremlins to an unscheduled ambulance ride I had to take 11 days ago....but for tonight I will just tell you I love you all...and I will be stopping in to see you soon!!

With love and prayers...as always, to be continued......

TRUE FRIENDS

2008-07-24T12:46:00.003-04:00

I am still here and still kicking....I will be back to reading and posting again someday soon...right now, it just isn't the outlet it normally is for me...so I will wait this time out...

A friend on facebook sent me this little button thingy with an expression that made me laugh so hard I almost cried. It said something like the following:

A friend will stop you and ask you if you are ok...
A best friend will say, "MOVE!! SHE'S PISSED!!!"

roflmao...'nuff said......

As always to be continued........

BB IS BACK BABY

2008-07-15T01:00:00.002-04:00

I known I haven't been a good blogger buddy lately...I am still trying to work everything out in my mind. It gives me comfort to know you are all a wonderful bunch that will be here when I get back to regular blogging.

The news isn't all bad...Big Brother started on Sunday night...woooohoooooo. I will at least be sure to post on Thursdays with my opinions about who got evicted, yada yada.

The gnome has recently discovered facebook and has been teaching me some of the ins and outs. Someone sent me this clip on facebook and it made me cry...I know, I know...what a stunner eh??? LOL. Still I thought I would share it..

As always, to be continued.......

KEYBOARD BLUNNERS

2008-07-11T10:57:00.002-04:00

Nice to be back among the blogger living. I haven't been able to post or comment because our keyboard space bar decided to become broken. We had a spare keyboard but, as is so often my luck, the damn thing wouldn't work on this machine for some reason (too old I think..lol).

Anyway, when I typed with the keyboard itseriouslylookedlikethis....which was irritating as heck and sure made work interesting (NOT!!). Luckily the gnome knew I was in a tizzy (and pretty grumpy with him) so he got a spare one from work ...awwwwwwww isn't it nice to have a gnome in shining armour to save ya???LOL

As always, to be continued.....

RANDOM RAMBLINGS

2008-07-03T21:25:00.002-04:00

There are two sayings..or montras maybe...that I have stuck in my head.

The first is advice that I was given more than 20 years ago from one of the wisest men I have ever met....

He told me to" get through today and worry about tomorrow when it comes"... sounds easy enough but alot harder to live by in times of stress...but I am trying hard.

The 2nd was an expression spoken by Dr Sydney Freedman on the show MASH ( yeah yeah I know...a fictional character)...

One line he used in one of the more serious moments of that show was the following...

"ours is not to reason why...but do what we can and try not to cry"

Again simplistic words that are easily said, but not so easy to live by...but again, I am trying really hard.....

As always, to be continued...

TAXI DRIVER

2008-07-02T16:43:00.002-04:00

Not a good day today...the roller coaster continues and I am getting a bit frustrated...but it isn't all bad because big brother starts in 2 weeks..lol

when all you want to do it cry, find a way to giggle......

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab,nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few minutes everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out ofme."

The frightened passenger apologized to the cab driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25years."

lmaoooooooooo

As always, to be continued...........

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CANADA

2008-07-01T16:36:00.003-04:00

Happy Birthday Canada...

It is hard to believe it is this time of year again...what a roller coaster this last year has been...and continues to be...

Things have settled down somewhat...still got a ways to go, but I feel confident I made the right decision to take the PPE.

I have seen the following commercial on TV and think it is freaking hilarious..lmao.

As always, to be continued............

ALL CLOGGED UP WITH SOME PLACE TO JOKE

2008-06-28T16:21:00.003-04:00

Just wanted to pop on and say hi. I am still here... The higher dose of the meds seem to be helping...but they have clogged the words in my brain and made them stuck there...

So the blog has been silent...thought the least I could do is dig out a joke to try to make y'all smile at least..lmao.

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Tampa Airport.

The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa . I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area'.

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The co pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're inTampa ?

''Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first.'

lmaooooo

As always, to be continued......

GREMLIN GRADUATION

2008-06-23T21:51:00.002-04:00

What a crazy couple of days...where to even start. I will be back with details but my mind is still whirling and my heart is a little bit sad.

Tonight, my baby graduated from public school. They all looked so grown up...

As I sat there waiting for him to get his diploma, I flashed back to that first day that I took him to kindergarten...

I thought he would be scared...or might cry. He had been with me all alone for 2 years at that point and I thought he might miss me...

But he just said "bye Mom" and walked in the door and didn't look back...

Tonight as I sit here crying for my baby, I pray that he has the same courage in September when the next chapter in his life begins...

I have waited for this day for 9 years...and now that it is over, I am more sad than my words express...but I am proud too!!!

As always, to be continued......

SWIRLY WORLEYS

2008-06-21T16:04:00.002-04:00

Thank you ev1 for the kind words and support. As always, you all totally rock!!!

The doctors visit went well...he ALWAYS makes me feel calmer about things..

Tons to write about...words swirling in my head...but the doc increased the dosage of the meds and it is messing with me a bit. He warned me it might happen...just gotta batten down the hatches, tough out the wind and wait for calm waters.

Will be by soon to visit and catch up.((hugs)) to you all.

As always, to be continued....

S.C.A.R.E.D

2008-06-19T06:51:00.003-04:00

Today I am scared!!!

I have to go see Dr S today and I am so nervous I couldn't even eat last night and I hardly slept. This is the first time I have been to see him since I started the purple people eater meds....

Dr S is a great guy and has been the absolute BEST doctor for me...he has been my family doctor for 17 years this month..and I wouldn't trade him for anything...

It is the fear of the meds...the gnome and I talked about it yesterday and we both agree that they are working ...things are at least a little bit better...and I want them to work....but I don't want to be on the damn things forever....and I think I still worry that the men in the little white jackets are gonna come knocking at the door and haul me off to the funny farm.

So I am scaredddddd ...will anyone hide me if I run away???

As always, to be continued.......

BLOGGER MUST BE MALE!!!...AGAIN

2008-06-17T21:47:00.002-04:00

Holy crap...is this thing on??? LOL

Blogger is being a total moron...everytime I have tried to post or even read blogs in the last 5-6 days I have gotten error messages....

Don't know who stuck the popsicle stick up blogger's butt...glad summer is here..maybe blogger will thaw out and chilllll a bit..

Hopefully, we will return to our regularly scheduled programming now...

CROSSES FINGERS...

As always, to be continued
(when blogger isn't having PMS)..........

HOCKEY STICK??

2008-06-12T20:09:00.000-04:00

TheCanadianWay ...

A Newfie, a little man,was sitting at a bar in Toronto when this huge,burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Newfie, he hits him on the neck. The big,burlyYank says, "That's a karatechop from Korea .

Well, the little Newfie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer.

The burly American then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Newfie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor. That's a judo chop from Japan ", he says.

The littleNewfie decides he's had enough and leaves.

A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly American sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and whacks him on the head, knocking him out cold.

The Newfie says to the bartender,"When he wakes up eh, tell him that was a fuckin' hockey stick from Canadian Tire."

hee hee....

As always to be continued........

I AM AN OLD FART

2008-06-11T23:50:00.002-04:00

I can honestly say I have no idea why...but all day I have had a rhyme running through my head that we used to say all the time as children:

Here I sit broken hearted
Paid a dime and only farted
Yesterday I took a chance
Saved my dime and shit my pants.

When I got thinking about this, it reminded me of those stupid bathrooms when I was growing up...they were in restaurants...sometimes even libraries...and you had to drop a dime in the door to get it to unlock..wonder what moron thought of that...lmao...must have been some tight wad Scrooge...don't even know what made me remember this...

Does this mean I am old?? LOL

We will return to our regularly schedule babbling tomorrow..lol

As always, to be continued.....

FUNNY DQ ADS

2008-06-10T21:25:00.002-04:00

hee hee ...these are 2 ads that have been running up here...they make me giggle everytime so wanted to share them...lol...ENJOY!!!

As always, to be continued........

SOS:AFTER THE M.F.H. ENDED PART 6

2008-06-09T21:44:00.003-04:00

Welcome all to another edition of SOS. Sorry it is late...but better late than never. For SOS rules or if you want to join in the fun, pop on over to see Kate for all the juicy details and some great stories.

For the beginning of this story, see part 1,part 2,part 3,part 4 and part 5

The day after that first date with Sam I walked

around on cloud nine all day. I spent the entire

day thinking of him...and giggling at absolutely

everything. As day turned to evening, I got the
gremlins settled in bed as quickly as possible

and sat down at the computer hoping he would

come on. I tried to be patient...but the longer

I waited, the more I began to doubt myself.

All the old fears and thoughts came crashing

over me like a huge tidal wave...what if the date

had gone better for me than him...what if Sam

got home and realized he had made a mistake

and never wanted to see me again...what if he

saw me as the big, fat loser I saw when I looked
in the mirror.

After sitting there for awhile torturing myself,

I did what I had learned to do from many years

of hurt and disappointment. I decided then

and there that I wasn't going to trust him...I

wasn't going to put myself out there again and

have my heart smashed,,,it would be better to

just walk away now before I got in deeper and

couldn't get out...yeahhhh ok it sounded like

a good plan...but I was fooling myself because

I was already in over my head.

The more time we spent together, the harder I

fell. I knew that I was falling in love with Sam..

and that felt great but it also scared the shit out

of me... Sam seemed to be feeling the same way

but hadn't said the "L" word yet.

As the days passed, I tried to be patient because

I was determined NOT to say it first....Honestly,

I started to get really pissed( and more than a

little discouraged) because he wouldn't say it

either. It never dawned on me that he was just

as scared as I was to be the first to utter those

words.

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. Sam had

come to see me and I had been in a pissy mood

since the second he walked in the door. Looking

back on this now I can see what a total bitch I was

being....I knew I was being a total boob...but I

was frustrated and unsure and needed him to

vocalize what he was feeling.

He waited until the gremlins were in the bed
asleep before he confronted me. It didn't take

much poking and I sorta lost it. I was so

eloquent....so poetic...so well spoken...

I said, " yeah I'm pissed...I love you god damn

it and you are too stubborn to say it."

Sam sat there shocked into silence...I knew

that I had made a mistake..and feared that this

would be the end of Sam and me...

As always, to be continued(next Sunday)....

THE WICKED OL WITCH IS MELTING

2008-06-07T21:06:00.002-04:00

In truly Canadian fashion, the weather has gone from being so chilly we needed pants and sweaters....to being so hot and humid I can barely breathe...in a 48 -freaking hour period.

I have always said, if ya don't like the weather up here just wait 5 minutes and it will change.

I will be back tomorrow with my next SOS installment...just wanted y'all to know either I AM melting...or I have finally "gone to hell" lmaoooooo

As always, to be continued.........

FULL MOON RISING OVER CANADA

2008-06-06T23:23:00.002-04:00

Today my thoughts have been on some really stupid news stories making the rounds up here. The big news up here in Canada over the last few days has been related to hockey. One of our main TV networks up here is called CBC. This station carries the NHL games up here. Well y'all know us Canadians loveeeee our hockey eh??? (Actually I could care less if I ever saw a game but it somehow seems unpatriotic to admit that out loud so shhhhhhhh no one tell the gnome ok?? LOL)

Well CBC always has hockey games on Saturday night during hockey season with an opening song that is quite catchy...this song was composed in 1968 and has been used on Saturday nights ever since. The hoopla has come over the last few days when CBC decided that they wouldn't renew the contract for the use of this song. When the gnome told me this, I thought "oh well" and didn't think much about it but there has been quite an outcry. We Canadians are a pretty welcoming and friendly punch of eskimos...but mess with our hockey and you ARE walking on dangerous ground...lol.

The second thing I heard this week that made me shake my head was the story of Tatum O'Neal getting busted for cocaine possession. I felt bad for her...even though she brought it on herself, I still felt at least a little sympathy for her situation UNTIL I was listening to some entertain show (ET Canada maybe??)

Anywayyyy, as I listened, I heard them talking about Ms O'Neal discussing her arrest. Her excuse??? She had recently had to have the family dog put down because it became ill and she was in mourning...I was like omggggggggg please . Yeah I bet the judge will be glad to accept that and let her off with a slap on the wrist...Can anyone say duhhhhhhhh???

Is it a full moon and I just didn't notice??? LOL

As always, to be continued...........

LOVE LETTER FROM A GNOME

2008-06-05T12:08:00.003-04:00

I wrote a long post yesterday that I didn't put up..I am still struggling but have been trying to keep most of it to myself in an effort to not scare away the last few readers I have.

As I sat at my desk this morning, drinking my tea, gremlin #2 handed me a "note" that he had found somewhere upstairs. Both gremlins were rooting around last night making a mess upstairs because #2 needed a baby picture to take to school . It is for a slide show or something for his graduation ceremony (which is now less than 3 weeks away...yikes!!)

Anywayyyyyy in the process of looking, one of them had found a note that #1 had written to me at some point. As I read it, it quickly became obvious that she had been trying to make up to me....I must have been yelling at her about something.

The following is a portion of this note:

"Dear Mommy: I am so sorry that I ever lied to you. I love you so much. I am going to change my attitude, I am going to bring all homework home. I am not going to back talk you at all. You can ground me anytime, because I love you. I will give you my money for food or to pay the rent. I am writing this letter because I want you to know that I love you and I would do anything for you. I will always love you with my heart and soul no matter what happens!!
P.S. thank you for being my mother !!"

When I started reading this I started to think "wow I must have really been a bitch cause she was sucking up big time"...then as I continued to read I started to cry....

To have your gremlin tell you they love you unconditionally NO MATTER WHAT...lord knows I probably don't deserve her love but I am so glad I have it anyway...

She is growing up to be such a compassionate and caring young woman...and I can honestly say, the adult she is becoming is INSPITE of me not because of me....

I honestly admit that I have been a bad mother more often than I would like to admit...I have yelled wayyyyy too much and been tolerant wayyyy too little...I have been more like my Mom than I ever wanted to be...but if there is one gift I have tried to give my gremlins, it is this...

I have told them since they were very little that no matter how mad I get...no matter how often I yell, I WILL love them forever and always, no matter what happens!! Guess #2 listened to that at least...

My hope for the future is that my gremlins will make me a grandma someday...and that they will be better parents than I was... I pray that if I see them going down the wrong path, I will be here to gently guide them...without judgement and with lots of love.....cause I do love them enough to only want the very best for them...and certainly want better for them than I have had.....

As always, to be continued.............

TUESDAY FUNNY

2008-06-03T20:31:00.003-04:00

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late gettingHome?', they asked.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project said Tommy. The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.'

Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school. ''We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.

''What did you watch?' asked Marsha.' The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.''

I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.' The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times.

As always, to be continued.................

GUEST BLOGGER

2008-06-02T08:17:00.002-04:00

Today I am excited (and a bit nervous) to say that I am a guest blogger over at brillig's place. Hop on over there and say hi. They are a great bunch over there. Hopefully I didn't sound like a TOTAL bonehead in my first attempt at guest blogging.

LOL.

As always, to be continued...........

SOS:AFTER THE M.F.H. ENDED PART 5

2008-06-01T08:39:00.005-04:00

Hello ev1 and welcome to another edition of Soap Opera Sunday. I am your host today so grab a drink, sit down a spell and relax. For anyone that wants to join in, the linky love is below this post. For rules on how to join the fun, see kate or brillig...cause they rock!!!

I want to start this post with a bit of an apology. I meant to finish this story today and be done with it...but when I started to write it last night, the words seemed to flow and I realized I had a lot more to say than I had originally thought....so there will be a few more installments...lol.

To catch up on this story, read part 1, part 2, part3 and part 4.

The day after that first date with Sam I walked around on cloud nine all day. I spent the entire day thinking of him...and giggling at absolutely everything. As day turned to evening, I got the gremlins settled in bed as quickly as possible and sat down at the computer hoping he would come on. I tried to be patient...but the longer I waited, the more I began to doubt myself. All the old fears and thoughts came crashing over me like a huge tidal wave...what if the date had gone better for me than him...what if Sam got home and realized he had made a mistake and never wanted to see me again...what if he saw me as the big, fat loser I saw when I looked in the mirror.

After sitting there for awhile torturing myself,

I did what I had learned to do from many

years of hurt and disappointment. I decided

then and there that I wasn't going to trust him.

I wasn't going to put myself out there again

and have my heart smashed....it would be

better to just walk away now before I got in

deeper and couldn't get out.

As I sat there taking some deep breaths and

trying to summon the strength to convince

myself that this was the right decision, my

msn beeped and scared me. I shook myself

out of my sad thoughts and took a look to see

who was trying to get my attention....and to

my amazement it was Sam. His message was

four words I shall never forget...

"hey beautiful...miss me?"

Thank god he wasn't there in person because

I immediately started to cry..lol. In an instant,

we picked up where we had left off the

previous evening...talking on msn for hours,

until one or both of us were so tired we were

falling asleep.

From that night on, we talked every night....

at first, just on instant messenger...with

phone calls when we could manage it.

He would come to see me at least once a

week but it was hard for him to make it more

than that...remembering that he lived an

hour away and worked full time...and

honestly, I wasn't ready yet to introduce

him to the gremlins.

I lived for those visits and our time together

online...it lightened my load and made me

feel happier than I had in along time.

It was the first time in a very long time

that I had allowed myself to even consider

that I might be able to love and trust a

man again.

We dated for a couple of weeks (about a

month) then I felt like it was time to have

Sam meet the gremlins. I was falling fast

and hard and knew that this was the next

logical step. I knew that I could never have

a relationship with someone that my gremlins

hated...it just couldn't work. Although I didn't
realize it at the time, I think I was also testing

Sam. Trusting a man was still so very hard for

me....I think I was looking for some flaw in

him...some mistake...and if he wasn't nice to

my gremlins then it would be over before it

began.

The initial meeting was a bit awkward for us

all. I had not had a single date since their FH

had left so they weren't used to dealing with a

man. Sam was uneasy but was really nice to

them both. All in all, it wasn't a bad encounter,

we all came through it okay.

After that, Sam started to include the gremlins

in plans we made. When he came to see us,

we would all watch TV together and in the

summer he would often take us all for a swim.

I really enjoyed those times...and still look

back on them with fondness. I can close my

eyes and see all 4 of us driving down the road

to go for a swim singing Avril Lavigne's

"Complicated"... I felt happy and for the first

time since I was little, I even allowed myself to

feel safe.

I had jumped in with both feet and started to

give my heart. I could feel old wounds start to

heal over . Of course, as is often the case in

my life the road was about to get bumpy with

some pretty good sized pot holes....had I made

a mistake letting Sam in?? The events that

happened next made me rethink my feelings

and pull back. I had trusted Sam with not only

my heart but my gremlins and they would miss

him too...but I knew I had to follow my heart

and suddenly, it was telling me to runnnn....

As always, to be continued (next week).......

SOS LINKY LOVE

2008-05-31T10:55:00.004-04:00

Welcome one and all...I will be hosting SOS this weekend as the wonderful Kate is tied up with family and our dearest brillig is busy with moving details. Here is the linky love for ev1 who wants to play. It is a blast so come one come all. For rules, stop in to see kate or brillig. I will be back tomorrow with my SOS story...see below for my post from today.

GAS COUPONS

2008-05-31T10:46:00.003-04:00

I received some coupons in an email the other day. Normally, I would just send this sort of email to the "junk" folder and ignore it. With the wild prices of gas these days I felt I had to pass this along...since I heart y'all just that much.

The following is a coupon for 1 litre of gas in Canada :

The following is a coupon for one gallon of gas for all you Americans out there :

hahahahahahaha.....

As always, to be continued...............

T.G.I.F.

2008-05-30T08:57:00.002-04:00

hmmmmm I wonder...am I the only one that is damnnnnn grateful it is Friday???

Gremlin #2 has been a total terror this week but I have somehow managed to allow him to continue breathing , although there was once or twice that it was a close call..lol. Gotta loveeeee those 13 yr old male hormones, especially when they are mixed with ADHD that gives him very low impulse control.

Anyway, I am still trying to keep a truckin'...I am really starting to think the new meds aren't the right fit so I am glad I am going to see the doctor in a few weeks. Although they have helped a bit, I still feel very anxious and antsy all the time. I find that although my crying spells have lessened, the littlest thing still makes me upset and gives me knots in my stomach. I seem to have even less ability than normal to let the small stuff slide...if that makes any sense at all.

One thing that has always helped in the past is to be able to swim. I am not one to play sports...and I do try to force myself to go for a walk almost everyday...but swimming has always been the one thing that can relax me. No matter how bad things get or how little I am coping, a swim always calms me and allows me to take a deep breath. The problem is this stupid town only has an outdoor pool that is only open 2 months of the year. I found out yesterday that it is opening on June 21st...that is only 3 weeks from tomorrow....woooooooohoooooooo. I totally can't wait.

I already told the gnome that I don't care if it rains or there is a very late snow I WILL be there for a swim on opening day..lmao. Until then, I will do my best to keep my head above water.

As far as blog-happenings and goings-on, brillig is having guest bloggers for the month while she gets ready to move and I get to post there on Monday. Stop in and check out some of the posts...they are a cool bunch and I am sure there will be some great posts. Also, I have agreed to host SOS this Sunday. Be warned, I will be continuing with my last SOS story with the appropriate amount of mush and gush..lmao.

As always, to be continued..............

FLAKE TAKES IT ON THE ROAD

2008-05-28T11:39:00.004-04:00

Ok okkkkkkk I am sorta excited today...

for the first time, I actually get to be a guest blogger on someone else's blog.

The great brillig is in the limbo land that happens when you decide to move to another state so a few of us will be guest-blogging to help her out. Be sure to stop over there and check them out...I am sure they will all be great.

My mind is already racing with the possibilities...I am mulling ideas over in my head because I don't want to disappoint...I want her readers to think I can at least form a coherent sentence (instead of being the goofball I normally am..lmao).

So this is the question I pose to y'all...got any great ideas?? Any topic you think would make for a humorous or entertaining post??? I have thought of a few things...but they seem boring ...so any ideas will be gratefully accepted and considered..lol. Tune in next Monday(June 2nd) to see if I come up with something that isn't totally lame..lmao.

As always, to be continued....

GREMLINS MAKE A MOMMA PROUD

2008-05-27T08:53:00.002-04:00

Today is a good news/bad news kind of day. Yesterday was a really hard day and honestly, the dark side of the force was powerful....but it was also an important lesson for me.

The weekend was really nutso...in the craziness, I forgot on both Saturday and Sunday to take the 2nd dose of the PPE (purple people eater..what we have been calling the new meds..lol). By yesterday morning, I was really in a bad place. That was the bad news....the good news was that at least it showed us that the meds must be doing some good...because as soon as they were gone, I spiralled down quickly. I told the gnome he HAS to help me remember...because I obviously need them.

I had something happen this morning that has also lifted my spirits. I have mentioned many times that my gremlins both have a learning disability. Gremlin #2's is very severe and I have really been worried because in a few weeks he graduates public school. In the fall, he will be thrown into high school with little support and a lot of bad influences ready to gobble him up. This is the same high school where #1 was offered drugs her 2nd week there...she said no, but #2 doesn't have good judgement at the best of times...if there is trouble to be found, he is often in the middle of it ...anywayyyyy I have been worrying about him.

Last night I was helping him with his homework and we were answering questions about a story we read. The question asked "whether or not it would be better if everyone was cut from the same thread"...right away my instinct was to answer no...but I read the question and asked what he thought.

#2 's answer : It would be good if we were all woven from the same thread because then we would all be equal, both physically and mentally. If everyone was equal there would be no wars, no racism or no poor people.

I had to email his teacher this morning and told her how much this answer impressed me. Her response was the following:

Wow - what a breakthrough! I had tears in my eyes while I read his response - that is fantastic! I am so proud of his logic! If only our peacekeepers in the world could see his viewpoint!

I know to most people this wouldn't seem like much, but to a momma of gremlins that has had to fight and claw every step of the way, this has given me hope that maybe there IS a light at the end of a long tunnel...

As always, to be continued............

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY

2008-05-26T14:57:00.002-04:00

The darkness is winning today...but I am not giving up.

Just wanted to wish all Americans a Happy Memorial Day.

God bless all the troops fighting over seas and all over the world.

May they all make it home safely soon and may we have the wisdom to find peace some day.

As always, to be continued........

THE RETURN OF SOS

2008-05-25T20:55:00.003-04:00

okies fans of all things soapy...I have decided to get my head outta my butt and get back into the swing of things(slowly but surely). To this end, I am going to start posting again for Soap Opera Sunday. I think it was a weeeeeeeeee bit rude of me to start a soapy story and not finish it...don't wanna leave anyone hanging. For rules or to participate stop in to see kate (as brillig is busy getting ready to move).

I am still mulling over the conclusion of the story "After the Marriage from Hell". I will work on it this week and post it next Sunday. For now, here are the links to read the beginning of this story. It has been so long since I started it, I have to re-read it myself so I can remember where I left off..lol.

part 1

part 2

part 3

part 4

Check it out and stop in again soon, ya hear??

As always, to be continued.....

BABY STEPS

2008-05-24T14:36:00.002-04:00

There are two things that have happened in the last few days that have shown me that even though I haven't beaten "the darkness" ,the meds are at least beginning to work.

Yesterday, I was able to spend the day thinking of my gnome with a great amount of love and thanking God over and over again for bringing him into my life. Through everything, I have always loved the gnome with all my heart but when my mind is in "the darkness", I think that he deserves better than me and that he should move on...he does get upset when I verbalize this.

The second thing that happened wasn't as nice...on Thursday night our refrigerator started making an odd buzzing noise. We knew that was never good but crossed our fingers and took the wait-and-see approach. This morning I was woken up by gremlin #2 telling me that the fridge smelled funny. When I went to investigate, I discovered that it was completely dead and all of our food had spoiled over night.

Now, I would be lying if I said I was happy about this but I was at least able to keep my cool and not freak out. If this had happened a month ago, I would be a TOTAL basket case. Things aren't completely better...but I will take the baby steps where I can get them.

As always, to be continued...........

FOR MY GNOME

2008-05-23T11:33:00.002-04:00

DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING POST WILL BE FULL OF MUSH AND GUSH...DON'T SAY YOU WEREN'T WARNED..LOL

Today is a very special day here. It was 5 years ago today that the gnome and I made the decision to share our lives. The picture that is the header of my blog is a picture of my river. Although you can't see it, there is a bench there just to the right of the lighthouse. It was on that very bench that the gnome asked me to marry him. This river has always been my favourite place on earth. Before I met the gnome, it was the place I would run to when things were just too heavy to bare....and I would hide there when I was young(and trying to avoid going home).

On our first date, I took the gnome there. I wanted to share this place with him. It was my way of opening the door to my heart just a little bit. He listened and remembered how much it meant to me. Now it means even more to me because we had our first real kiss there...he told me he loved me there for the very first time...and 5 years ago today, he took me there and asked me to be his wife. I remember that day like it was yesterday...and it is a memory I will cherish always.

That was the beginning of a journey that has certainly had it's ups and downs. The road has not always been an easy one but I know without a doubt there is no one on this earth I would rather be travelling it with. I would not have made it through these last weeks without my gnome. He has been my strength and such a wonderful support. He listens to me whenever I need to talk, holds me when I need to cry..and loves me unconditionally, even when I don't deserve it. I do not know how he has stuck with me these last 5 years, but I am so very glad he did!!!

To my beloved gnome,

You are my heart and soul and everything I need in this life.
I love you unconditionally and endlessly for the rest of my life and beyond. I am so lucky to be your wife and so grateful for all of your love and support.

My heart is yours forever and always in this life and beyond.

As always, to be continued...........

MOMS ARE PITAS TOO

2008-05-22T11:59:00.002-04:00

I have tried hard to lighten things up around here alot this last week.... I have made a special effort to make my posts a little more humorous or comical...for those that don't want to read about the "darkness" shouldn't read on...please come back tomorrow as I have a mushy gushy post planned..lol

Right now I am sitting here shaking my head. I have been on the new meds for 2 weeks now....and was warned by the pharmacist that often it takes 4-6 weeks before they can really kick in and start to help....so I am trying to be patient and just hang in there.

It was such an incredibly hard decision to decide to start these meds...one I struggled with and put off for months thinking that if I could just hang on, I would be able to pull myself out of it on my own. As the months wore on and I felt myself sinking further into the darkness a very dear, sweet friend encouraged me to take the step that I had been dreading so much...and I knew she was right. I knew the gnome and gremlins deserved better than the nut case they were dealing with everyday...and deep down a small part of me felt I deserved better too.

Those of you that have read this blog know how very much I love my Mom... continuing to miss her after we moved has been one of the problems. Part of the reason that I was afraid to start these meds was because I felt she would think I was being stupid or weak. When I started the meds. I wasn't even going to tell her about it...but I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt ,so I did. I was STUNNED at her reaction. She was actually very supportive and that made me feel sooooo much better.

I love my Mom...more than words will ever express. I have certainly seen her at her best AND her worst. As an adult, this has allowed me to be closer to her. That being said, she was raised to believe that medication wasn't the solution in a situation like this...that you should just suck it up and get control of yourself...she has always acted that way.

I have been trying sooooooo hard to fight against this darkness and not let it win. I have spent the last week running from it...trying to force myself to be more positive and hide how I am really feeling..thinking that if I could just keep this up until the meds took over then maybe things would be ok.

My mom just called me a little while ago for a quick chat. After she asked how I was doing, I explained that I am having some side effects from the new meds that are preventing me from sleeping. I talked to the pharmacist yesterday who said to tough it out for now but if this continues, we will have to try something else.

My mom's reaction to this???

" Well ,why don't you just stop taking them. It isn't like you need them or anything."

Thanks so much Mom for reminding me why I didn't want to tell you in the first place. Right now I don't even know why I am bothering to even try to fight.

As always, to be contined.................

WAS SHE DANCING OR SKATING

2008-05-21T19:01:00.003-04:00

I am a total fan of Dancing with the Stars so it was with great excitement(and some sadness) that I sat down to watch the season finale last night. I was excited to see who won as I had picked Kristi Yamaguchi to take home the "glass ball" from the first show.

I really do enjoy the show so I hated to see it end but I was really happy for her and I think she really deserved it. There was a lot of talk about wanting to see a woman win it for only the 2nd time in six seasons....personally I just wanted to see the best dancer win and I honestly think that is what happened (in my opinion anyway...but what the heck do I know...lmao).

I feel a longgggg summer of bad movies and reruns stretching ahead of we TV addicts..lol. Good thing Big Brother will be starting again in July to keep us entertained a bit..lmao. Any shows y'all like to watch this time of year????

As always, to be continued...................

ONE LINERS

2008-05-20T12:43:00.003-04:00

I had an conversation last night with the gnome that stuck with me and sorta worked it's way into becoming this post.

It started because we watched the season finale of CSI:Miami which we both love. We were both shocked to see Hiratio get shot but we both feel confident he will be fine. That show would be NOTHING without him...

One thing that all of the CSI series have is their "one liners" at the beginning of the show (usually when the dead person of the week has gotten the episode underway). I think that Hiratio is the best at these...and talking about this got me thinking about other shows and movies that have had a famous one-liner that has been , in my mind at least, unforgetable. These are lines that not only make me remember the movie but often takes me back to the first time I saw it.

The following is a list of some of these that I consider memorable:

1) "oh, Auntie Em, there's no place like home."
2)"frankly my dear , I don't give a damn..."
3)"Look, Daddy. Teacher says, every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings."
4) "Love means never having to say you're sorry. "
5)"Here's looking at you, kid. "
6)"You can't handle the truth!! "
7)"Mama always said life was like a box a chocolates, never know what you're gonna get."
8)"Houston, we have a problem "
9)"ladies and gentlemen take my advice...pull down your pants and slide on the ice."
10)"Live long and prosper." ( this one I added for Corky..lol)

Do you know where these quotes came from?? Did I miss any that you would add to this list?? I will post the answers tomorrow if anyone wants to know..lmao.

As always to be continued...........

RAMBLINGS AND GOINGS-ON #2

2008-05-18T21:58:00.005-04:00

I was all set and ready to join the forces of soap opera sunday again today....but it seems that it isn't taking place today so thought I would just put down a few ramblings...

- y'all might notice that this blog isn't pink right now...somehow pink doesn't seem to fit my life right now so blue it is.
- I posted a joke yesterday that didn't go over very well....but no worries I will keep trying..lol
- I have given serious thought over the last few weeks to deleting this blog...it doesn't seem like there are many people reading it anymore. But once again, I decided against it. I reminded myself that I started this blog in the first place to have a place to vent and ramble...even if no one reads it, I feel better doing it...so here I sit..lol. Anything that makes me feel better right now is a good thing!!!
-I have noticed that some of the links for blogs I like to read are now missing on my sidebar...if you pop in and see your blog isn't there, please leave a message so I can fix that.
- as always, please know that your comments and prayers are greatly appreciated.

As always, to be continued......

AN AMAZING FELLOW

2008-05-17T14:27:00.003-04:00

I want to start by thanking ev1 for their continued support and comments...as always, it means a great deal to me. I figured it was time to lighten things up a bit before I lose the last few readers I have...so here is a funny..hope you like it..haha

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special'

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.'

Passenger. 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his f**king widow.

lmaoooooooooooo

As always, to be continued..............

GOING AROUND THE MULBERRY BUSH

2008-05-15T14:34:00.002-04:00

Okkkkkk apparently I suck..lmao. Which isn't a big shock to me. I received an email from someone I don't even know that told me if I have comments moderated they won't read my blog anymore...soooo okkk then.

The last few days have not been easy. I have been taking the new meds for a week now and today is the day I have to increase the dosage. This is really bothering me, actually it is scaring the shit out of me. I keep thinking...what if the meds don't work...or worse yet, what if they DO and the doctor wants me to take them forever.....I know logically that would be better than how I feel now, but unfortunately in my case logic and depression don't go well together.

I keep trying to remind myself that this is an important and necessary step...that the gnome deserves better than to have to constantly deal with a basket case...that the gremlins deserve a mom that doesn't yell at them for the littlest thing or shut down because the stress level is more than she can handle.

Frankly I deserve better too....and I just can't keep going like this....honestly, I still want to run away and hide so badly that it is so hard just to make myself get out of bed in the morning.

I have spent some time over the last few days reading blogs and catching up on some of the favourite ones I have missed. If you haven't seen a comment from me yet....be sure (or scared) that I am coming for you too...lmao.

One blog in particular has been on my mind. Aims is an amazing and gifted writer and I absolutely LOVE her writing. The first time I went to check out her blog, I sat for HOURS reading old posts. I found myself tranported by her writings. She candidly writes about some truly tramatic events of her life...I recommend you all stop by and check her out...you won't be sorry.

Today I finally worked up the courage to go read a bit of her blog. I have wanted too go for days...but I have been scared too. As much as I love her writing, I am afraid...afraid that maybe her past is my future...that I am travelling down a road that she has known all too well...

I am just still so afraid...but trying not to let the fear control me...honest , I am trying hard....not sure if I am swimming or sinking....

As always, to be continued......

TUESDAY FUNNY

2008-05-13T02:54:00.002-04:00

I wanted to warn you that I have changed the settings on my comment section so I can "modify"comments before they are visable...don't worry, I won't be editing any comments...but I want to be able to delete the SPAM like the comment from "J" on my last post...it wasn't legit...it was a scam...

I have seen this joke before but it made me giggle again...so thought I would share...

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Tampa Airport.

Thepilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa . I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area'.

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The co pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're inTampa ?

''Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady'sbag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first.'

lmaoooooooooo

As always, to be continued.....

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

2008-05-11T18:55:00.003-04:00

Today is another day that my mother has been on my mind all day...as she should be.

It has been almost 2 years since we moved away from her and I can honestly say that I missed her every bit as much as I did that first day.

If moving here has given me one gift...it is that I appreciate my mother so much more than I did before...it's not to say that I didn't appreciate her before...but when we lived in the same city, I talked to her everyday and I took that a little bit for granted. Now I cherish every call and every visit...when I think she might call ,I rearrange my entire life around her phone calls so I don't miss one...

Our relationship has certainly had it's rocky times...but I am so glad that we hung in there and didn't give up...

Today I tried to find a poem that expressed what I feel about my Mom...but I couldn't find one that "fit"...so I will say the following...

I love my Mom with all my heart and soul...I am so grateful to God for giving her to me even when she does something that makes me want to strangle her...I can't imagine my life without her in it...and one day, when it is her time to go, I will be heart broken but will try to take comfort knowing that she will be in heaven watching over us and waiting for me to join her...

I love you Mom forever and always with every part of my heart

As always, to be continued.....

RIDDLE TIME

2008-05-08T19:57:00.002-04:00

Here is a riddle for y'all....can you explain this to me???

I have read it a number of times and everytime I try to figure it out I go HUH????? lmao

If ya know the answer be sure to share...

3 MEN GO INTO A MOTEL.
THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM IS £30 SOEACH MAN PAID £10 AND WENT TO THE ROOM.

A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALIZED THE ROOM WAS ONLY £25 SO HE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH £5. ON THE WAY THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPLIT £5 EVENLY BETWEEN 3 MEN, SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A £1 AND KEPT THE OTHER £2 FOR HIMSELF.

THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID £9 FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL OF £27, ADD THE £2 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = £29.

WHERE IS THE OTHER POUND?

As always, to be continued...........

TURN ON A LIGHT, IT'S DARK HERE

2008-05-07T09:43:00.003-04:00

Sorry I have been gone so long...

I have really been struggling...feeling like I have been doing more"gulping" of water than treading...that is never good.

I know there are readers out there that have struggled with depression...and it surely does help to know that I am not the only one..

It has been over 22 years since it has been this bad...but yesterday I finally took the step that I have been avoiding.

I called my doctor and asked him for a prescription for an anti-depressant. It was a really hard call to make. It made me feel like such a loser ..like I had failed some how because I couldn't get my shit together on my own. But the logical side of my brain knows that I can't...that the gnome deserves better than this...that gremlins deserve a mom that isn't a total raving lunatic...

And some where....deep down...is a tiny voice saying that I deserve better too...that I can't keep going on like this...

So I made the call...got some meds.....now I feel a mixture of terror and relief...

Thank you for understanding...for caring...and for praying for me...

My love to you all...

As always, to be continued...........

OH MR TAXMAN...COME TAKE ME AWAY

2008-04-29T20:48:00.002-04:00

Here is a riddle for all you brainiacs...

Question- How do you freak out a gnome and give yourself a heart attack with the utterance of one sentence????

Answer - by making a mathematical error on your Income Tax and then saying "honey we owe the government almost $1600.00...wanna run for the border now or later???"

I would laugh if I thought this was funny...right now I feel like to world's biggest moron....

As always, to be continued...........

FUNNY CAT COMMERCIAL

2008-04-27T21:17:00.001-04:00

Found this commercial on youtube...laugh my ass off everytime I see it on TV so thought I would pass it along...THIS is why I am a cat lover...hee hee...

As always, to be continued................

HOW DO YOU BELIEVE?

2008-04-25T10:28:00.003-04:00

How do you believe....

When everything in you wants to give up....

When you finally work up the courage to take the first step and you are slammed back down on the ground ...hard

When your little voice tells you there is nothing you can do to make it better...and you feel trapped....

When your head tries hard to remind you that things COULD be worse.....but your heart believes that you have used up all your chances to make it better...that you have failed those who love you...and maybe they would be better if you were gone...

Wish I knew how to keep believing.....

As always, to be continued..........

PROUD TO BE A CANADIEN???

2008-04-22T21:43:00.002-04:00

I am sure I have mentioned that the gnome is a true-blue hockey fan...the man bleeds Toronto Maple Leaf blue...and has passed this along to the gremlins (especially #1).

Since the dear "boys in blue" have already been playing golf for a few weeks now, the gnome has been following the teams that actually MADE the play offs. At first, he was just cheering for ANY team that count eliminate the Ottawa Senators..lmao...but he has been rooting for the Montreal Canadiens....

Last night, the gnome was thrilled to see a very good game 7 and cheered happily when Montreal won the series and advanced to the next round...so imagine how UN-thrilled I was a few hours later when this came over the news.....

I will NEVER understand why a bunch of drunken idiots would do something like this.... damaging the property of others in the name of victory really makes them all look intelligent.....

goshhhhhhhhhh sure does make a Canadian flake feel proud.....notttttttttt...

As always, to be continued..........

FOR MY MOM...

2008-04-21T21:49:00.003-04:00

I have missed my Mom every single day since we moved here...

The gremlins and I used to see her every day...now we see each other only about once a week...but we treasure every moment we have together ...we tell her every single time we talk to her how much we love her...we hug and kiss her as often as possible...

She is going through something right now that has me very worried about her...our relationship has not always been an easy one...there was a lot of things from my childhood that I had to forgive her for...and it was not easy, but I am really glad that I did...because now we have a relationship that I would not trade for anything in the world....

this poem is for my Mom even though she doesn't read my blog( I haven't shared my blog with any of my family except my gnome and the gremlins)....

Dear Mom

Author Unknown

Dear Mom,

I said a prayer for you to thank the Lord above
For blessing me with a lifetime of your tenderhearted love.
I thanked God for the caring you've shown me through the years,
For the closeness we've enjoyed in time of laughter and of tears.
And so, I thank you from the heart for all you've done for me
And I bless the Lord for giving me the best mother there could be

As always, to be continued..........

CATS AND DOGS

2008-04-20T21:53:00.001-04:00

I wanted to post for Soap Opera Sunday...but today has not been a good day and I can't unplug the words in my brain...soooooo lets just forget that ...

Got this joke from a friend...thought it was funny so thought I would pass it along...have a good giggle...lmao.

DOG DIARY
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. This morning I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell , so he is safe. For now...

As always, to be continued.......

LIFE MOTTO AND MONTRA

2008-04-16T23:52:00.003-04:00

Well just like "the little engine that could" I am trucking along the track slow and steady....

Physically I am feeling some better...this sickness hasn't done a lot to help my battle trying to keep my depression in check...the last week in particular has been a hard one...

I keep reminding myself of the words that were told to me by a very wise man many years ago...he said you must "get through today...worry about tomorrow when it comes..."

no truer words have ever been spoken to me...

As I type this, I am reminded of a saying from the show MASH.

One of the characters , Dr Sydney Freeman said the following on his very first appearance on the show...and then again on his very last scene in the series finale...and it always stuck with me....

"ladies and gentleman take my advice,
pull down your pants and slide on the ice.."

lmaooooooooooo

As always, to be continued (even when I am being weird).....

THERE ARE SIGNS OF LIFE

2008-04-15T17:11:00.002-04:00

Hi there....remember me???? lol

These last 4 weeks have been nutso...but I am glad to say I finally feel like I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel....I am almost afraid to say that for fear I might jinx myself...lol.

Today was the first day in almost a month that I actually managed to wash a few dishes, sweep the kitchen floor and cook the gremlins dinner without feeling like I had to pass out or vomit...a big step forward in my book.

I have been missing you all terribly but I have been so weak that sitting at the computer hasn't been something I have been able to do (other than for work). Man ohhhh man has there been more than once that I have wished I had a laptop during this sickness..lol.

I will be back lurking and filling your comment boxes in the next few days...I am looking forward to catching up on everything I have missed. I hope you all are well .

As I was cleaning out my overfull email inbox (see?? it isn't only my blog that has been neglected..lol)...I came across this funny and thought I would share it ...it gave me a giggle...

A Minnesota Story :

All of his life Bill had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had been able to walk on water on their 21 st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink

So when Bill's 21 st birthday came around, he and his pal Tim took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Bill stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Tim just managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Bill went to see his grandmother.
"Grandma, it's my 21 st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked into Bill's eyes and said, "Because, you dumb fool, your father, grandfather and great-grandfather were born in January, you were born in July."

lmaooooooooooo

As always, to be continued.......

MISSING YOU ALL....

2008-04-07T21:40:00.003-04:00

Just a quick note incase anyone stops in to check on me...

I am still alive(I think)...

I am still breathing...sorta...

I am still sick...going back to see my doctor tomorrow..

Hope all of you are well...I miss you all...

As always, to be continued.....

THE WORLD IS SPINNING...OR IS IT THE DRUGS???

2008-04-03T17:02:00.003-04:00

What a longgggg couple of weeks it has been. Finally, I think I am starting to feel human again....well at least, I can sit up for more than 5 minutes without feeling like I am going to pass out...so that is a step in the right direction.....

It all started on Easter Weekend....the gnome and I weren't feeling that great on Thursday night but just put it down to normal end-of-the-week-sick-of-winter bluckiness.

Neither of us felt better on Friday but didn't worry as it was Good Friday so we figured the day's rest would do us both good.
We had a lot of plans on Saturday but by the time we woke up, the gnome had a pretty good fever going. I didn't feel much better but managed to take care of the gnome and keep things floating along as best as I could.

Let me say, at this point, that the gnome is not the easiest patient when he is that sick...(sorry guys but realllllllyyyyyy...lol)

Things went down hill fast...by Easter Sunday, the gnome was raging with fever and not eating or drinking at all....I warned him that getting dehydrated wasn't going to make things better...but again...bad patient-itis kicked in...

Each day we got progressively worse...by Monday night both of us had a fever and felt like a truck had run us over...neither of us was eating and it was everything we could do to hold down a bit of fluids.

We toughed it out until Wednesday morning (which happened to be mine and gremlin #1's birthday). I knew the gnome was not improving but couldn't get him in to see his doctor so I bugged him to go to the ER. He finally agreed as long as I went with him to get looked at...so as soon as the kids were gone to school, off we trekked to the local hospital.

I am sure we were quite a site as we sat there in the waiting room. It was a long day there but I was glad we went. As soon as the nurse took the gnome in, he just about fainted....then I really got worried.

We spent the day hooked up to IV's because as I had feared, we were both dehydrated. After we both had chest x-rays, ECG's and blood work it was determined that we both had a nasty flu bug.....but not to be outdone by the gnome, mine had developed nicely into not only a sinus infection but also bronchitis....

I wouldn't have even gone to the ER if I hadn't been convinced the gnome needed medical attention...so I guess that is what I get for being a know-it-all...lol.

The highlight of the visit was the nurse that put in our IV's...she hooked up the gnome first...then as she is sticking me with a big needle she says "awwww nothing says love like his and her IV's.."

I fought back by reminding her (and the gnome) that it was my birthday and an IV did NOT count as the birthday dinner I had been promised....lol.

To sum up....Easter didn't happen...my birthday totally sucked and I didn't even get a lousy card...

Can't WAIT to see what the fates have planned for the July 1st holiday (that's July 4th for you Americans out there)....

The good news is I have been gone so long ,I have posts just popping out of my fingers...so much to catch you up on, so little time (not really, but it sure sounded good..lmao).

As always, to be continued..............

STILL HERE...STILL SICK

2008-04-01T12:13:00.001-04:00

I am still here...alive and breathing ...well sorta..lol

I am still really sick and can't really sit up for more than a few minutes at a time without feeling like I have to faint...

I am still here...missing you all and hoping everything is well with you....

Can't wait to get better and read what I have missed...

Until then, please take care of each other cause I heart y'all lots....

((((((hugs))))))

BIRTHDAY HAPPENINGS

2008-03-27T08:08:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was my birthday....along with gremlin #1. My baby is now 16..it is hard to believe..

I had a wonderful post all laid out in my mind...full of an appropriate amount of mush and gush...it would have made even an old man weep...lmao.

Instead, the gnome and I spent most of my birthday together in the ER hooked up to IV's...

At least, I still had my sense of humour intact enough to tease him that he still DID owe me a birthday dinner.....and that IV's did NOT count .......LOL.

Then the smartass nurse came in to check on us and said "nothing says love like his and her IV's"....

Birthdays just don't get better than that....lmao.

As always, to be continued(when I am among the living again...)

WHY I LOVE MY GNOME AND GREMLINS

2008-03-24T20:33:00.002-04:00

I am not sure if I have mentioned it but this Wednesday is gremlin #1's birthday ( shhhh mine too but don't tell, I am hoping ev1 will forget..lol).

Dear #1 is going to be sweet 16 and she has been absolutely hilarious this weekend. Every time she would start bickering with gremlin #2 or copping attitude I just look at her and point to the calendar...then she remembers and her halo starts to shine through..lmao. I wish her bday came more often...hee hee.

Easter weekend was very low key as the gnome came down with a nasty flu bug.......I dearly love my gnome but even he admits what a baby he is when he gets sick. I was able to be patient and caring for the most part because he did,infact, look like death warmed over.

I only mention this because like every loving gnome, the dear man has decided to share with me....isn't that sweet and adorable?? lmao. I guess I am not gonna drop yet as he still isn't better so someone has to suck it up and keep things moving...lol.

I figured I would prolly get sick for my birthday....birthdays do tend to suck for me. I thought it was just me but I recently read somewhere else that another March baby has had crappy bdays as a rule too...this made me feel less alone..lmao.

I am off to get the gremlins settled for the night and get the gnome drugged up so I can try to rest...

You hear me laughing as I say the work "rest" right??? lmao.

As always, to be continued........

2008-03-23T14:53:00.002-04:00

Note to the strangers that are stopping in to leave rude comments. Don't waste your time and move on...you aren't worth my time so I will just quickly delete them and move on!!!! All newcomers are MORE than welcome as long as they are pleasant.....I am not forcing anyone to come here and read my blog.....if you can't be nice, then don't come!!!!

HAPPY EASTER LOVIN'

2008-03-23T14:07:00.002-04:00

Hope you are all having a wonderful Easter weekend and the Easter bunny was good to you all. I had already prepared the next edition of my Soap Opera Sunday story to post today but it seems like it has been put on the back burner ( I would assume to the holiday weekend..) So this story will wait for another week.

As I sat here, watching dear ol Bootsie the cat sunning herself I thought alot about Easter and what it means to me...and the one thing I came up with was LOVE. Whether it be the love of chocolate easter bunnies and eggs....loving the smell of a big Easter dinner as it cooks in the oven...or the love that God had to allow his son to die on that cross.....

I then remembered receiving the following award awhile back....

I truly apologize and I am embarrassed to admit that I can't remember who awarded this to me...but someone did. I saved it with good intentions to pass it along but somehow got sidetracked......So today is the day.....

I thought about all the wonderful blogs I have come across...some I have found and others have meandered in and sat down for a spell...

Of course, I think you all rock...or I wouldn't keep coming back for more. I pass this award along to the following....with much love. If you have already received it from someone else, consider yourself doubly loved...lmao.

1)Planet of Janet - This woman is awesome and I loveeee her blog...she tells such humorous stories and is such a loving mother...it shines through in her words and pictures.

2)big blue barn - aims has only recently found my blog and all I can say is that I am SOOOO glad she did. Her writing is seriously the best I have ever read. As she retells her "man tales" I find myself lost in her words...the first time I went to check her out, I sat here for HOURS reading old posts...and more than once, her touching accounts of her life events have made me cry. I always look forward to the next post.

3) Palm Springs Savant- Rick over as P.S.S. is very worldly and intelligent. I always enjoy reading about his trips and adventures...he shares amazing pics too. Of course, my life would not be complete without the advice column of Dr Wang Wednesdays...gosh darn I love that fish....lol.

4) Coffee table- I have talked about Hoosier Girl before...but quite simply I think she is great. She is a hard working single mom....something I have a great deal of respect for... She has a really great sense of humour and a big heart!!!

5) Jersey Girl - I found her blog from a SOS link...and quickly became hooked. Whether she is talking about her kids Ironflower and lovebug....or PITA houseguests, she always entertains me and often makes me smile and laugh.

6)JJ - Janet's blog was one of the first blogs I started to read when I first started blogging. She is on a blogging "break" right now...but I still check her blog daily. She has demons that she battles...but when she talks about her daughter "Fa" her big heart shows...I think she is a lot stronger than she realizes...and I often find myself wanting to give her a big hug...and reassure her that it is going to be okay...like I have done with the gremlins...

There are so many awesome blogs that I enjoy reading... anyone that is lurking I encourage you to check out the blogs on my blogroll...they are all a great bunch and I heart them all!!!

As always, to be continued.....................

WE NOW RETURN TO OUR REGULAR PROGRAMMING

2008-03-22T02:04:00.004-04:00

OKKKK I am posting this because I am so pissed right now I am shaking...

this is my last word and this will be the last time I post on this subject...

My last post was meant as a THANK YOU and a clarification. It was my way of trying to let you all know how much you meant to me.

Originally, I did not post about this fight because I know there are mutual blogging friends and I didn't want anyone to feel like they had to be "in the middle"....but that does not mean I am going to sit here and remain silent when someone posts about me. It was NEVER my intent to commit slander and I have NEVER accused the other party of doing that either.

Honestly, I am sick and tired of even thinking about it....I just want to let it die...and I wish others would too...it hurts a bit that someome else posted about this situation yet again...but didn't get my side about what happened in the first place.....but I also know me being hurt isn't fair either....because we all have a right to say whatever we want on our own blogs...I exercise that right and certainly would never want to take that from someone else....but again, that doesn't mean I won't fight back when someone else talks trash about me.....

OKKKKKKKK I have said my peace and pounded the snot out of my keyboard...I have taken a few deep breaths and will try to calm down.....

As I said, I am done talking about this...and I will not post about it again......I have wayyyyyy too many things to write about that actually MATTER to me more than all this crap...

It is my intent to now stay away from certain blogs...again with the intent to NOT put anyone in the middle...and with this, the matter is closed to me and I am moving on. As always, I wish everyone only the best.....

LIFE IS WAY TOO SHORT FOR THIS SHIT.....

As always, to be continued..........

GOOD FRIDAY THANKS

2008-03-21T16:11:00.003-04:00

Since today is Good Friday I would have to say is a perfect day for giving thanks....and I feel like I have plenty to give.

I feel the need to not only thank you all SOOOOO much for the kind and thoughtful words on my last post...but also, to clarify a bit....

When I wrote that last post, I was really hurt. I can accept that sometimes, I can be a real pain in the ass....but the "friend" (who has turned out to NOT be a friend after all) ...her post really went for the throat. The hurtful words were bad enough but she actually LIED.....and that angered me....

When I said I wasn't going to "post anymore"....I originally just meant that I wasn't going to post more about her...thinking that talking about her was allowing her nasty, hurtful words to have more power over me than she deserved...so I was going to just move on and be glad to never have to have contact with her again......

The problem came a little later in the day. I started to read my blog roll and everywhere I went...there was her name. She is the person that got me blogging in the first place...and we have a lot of favourite bloggers in common. This is when I started to think it was time to just pack it in...to walk away and never look back at blogger again.

I spent a lot of time thinking about this yesterday...and of course reading all the kind and thoughtful comments left here. Of course, you all are so much smarter than me...and you were, of course, right. Walking away and not blogging anymore would allow her spiteful and dishonest words to win...and that is just not right !!!

I started this blog as a way to vent...to give voice to those words that were so good at clogging up my brain....I am always thinking "oh yeah, I gotta blog about that later.." or I read a funny e-mail and my first thought it that I will save it to share later with my blogger buddies...lol

Then, I started to think about all of you...how much I enjoy reading your blogs...and how much you all have come to mean to me...it was at that moment I really saw how stupid I was being....to allow one person's lies to affect me like that...well it was just stupid of me.......

So I thank you all again...for encouraging me...for caring about me...and for not giving up on me when I am being a knucklehead....I truly don't deserve you all...but I appreciate you... and I am more grateful than I could ever express.

I am truly a very lucky blogger to have you all...

As always to be continued.................

I'M A BITCH

2008-03-19T09:00:00.003-04:00

I was just reminded that I am a bitch...a fact that I readily admit...

I try to be a good friend, to listen when I am needed and let those I care about know how much they mean to me...

I am the first to admit that I am far from perfect...and I can make mistakes with the best of 'em...

But someone I cared a great deal about has written a post about me and was truly ,a hurtful bitch...

I could go on with hurtful words for this person...because right now the words are in my heart...as much as I don't want them to be....fighting with my good side...I want to be the better person and just ignore the nasty and hurtful words...really I do...

but instead I will walk away and not post anymore.....

AS TIME FLIES BY....

2008-03-17T20:39:00.002-04:00

Wowzers...it is hard to believe it is Monday already. I do NOT know where the last week went...

Oh wait I DO know...I spent the last week setting mouse traps and trying NOT to break my thumb...lol. We have killed 2 already but I can still hear them scurrying around from time to time so I am not very impressed. I wanna kill the little creeps soooooo bad..lmao.

The gremlins went back to school today. Last week was "spring break" although I do use that term loosely since we still have about 20 feet of snow..lmao. I keep telling the gnome that we will be grateful when the snow is STILL here in July and we aren't dying of heat..lmao.

The gnome also went back to work today. It is so hard to get back into the routine of school/work after having a week off....it is particularly challenging when you have a gremlin with a severe learning disability ,as routine is very important and tends to fall apart during vacation. Luckily this week and next are both 4-day school weeks thanks to the Easter holiday.

Next week is mine and gremlin #1's birthday (the 26th)...of course, she is excited to be turning 16...and I am wayyyyy too old to be excited about a birthday...lmao. She has her heart set on getting a cell phone (and she IS getting one but shhhhh don't tell..lol)....so she is driving us nutso..lmao. I guess that is why she gets the big bucks..lol.

Gremlin #1 had some computer time the other day and this is what I found when I got back on the computer (done by her..)

What the heck so ya do with a gremlin like that eh???lmao

As always, to be continued..............

FRIDAY FOLLIES

2008-03-14T12:40:00.002-04:00

We are off for a day of fun because it is our last day of holidays...was surfing youtube for a funny commercial I saw that cracked me up...I couldn't find it but did find a couple to share..lol.

Will post tomorrow about the events of today...

As always, to be continued....

BIG BROTHER THURSDAY

2008-03-13T22:55:00.002-04:00

A quick Big Brother Thursday post to say that CBS fucked a duck on last night's show......

why did they even BOTHER to have America vote and then let James come back into the house....

Sorta makes me want to tell CBS to go suck a lemon and stop watching....but once an addict, always an addict...lmao

oh and BTW James won HOH...what stupid moron thought up this lovely "twist"...

I.D.I.O.T.S.....

Off to watch Survivor now...lmao

As always, to be continued..........

MICE DON'T MAKE ME GIGGLE

2008-03-11T21:46:00.003-04:00

It's been a really bad day...got some bad news and spent the last 24 hrs chasing mice that don't wanna get caught...won't complain more about that...so here is a funny that made me giggle...lmao.

A man got on a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to, of all people, a beautiful, you guessed it, blonde.

The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Never-the-less, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally not being able to contain her curiosity any longer asked

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

hee hee hee

As always, to be continued............

SPRING IS NOT SPRINGING

2008-03-10T21:41:00.002-04:00

Well all...spring is only 10 days away and we Canadians are getting quite excited. Personally, I don't think I can remember what grass looks like. We had one hell of a storm up here over the weekend...more than 80,000 homes and businesses were without power as reported here ...luckily we managed to keep our heat and power...thank God. We received 53 cm of snow...that is almost 2 feet for you Americans...

The gnome and gremlins started digging us out Sunday morning. They worked in shifts and didn't get the van out of the drive way until late this afternoon. Luckily we listened to the weather forcasts and got food to last for a few days...

Took some pics to post...just because I thought it was sorta funny....

These ARE infact our driveway and front yard...buried somewhere...lol

As always, to be continued (if I don't get buried alive...lol)......

IS IT MY FAULT???

2008-03-07T10:53:00.002-05:00

DISCLAIMER : this is something I wrote last night...it is not light hearted or funny....but is still something I needed to write...anyone that continues to read is welcome to...but you have been warned..lmao.

Is it my fault???

Those nights I spent in the darkness, huddled in the corner.
I prayed those nights that you would suffer and die a terrible
death....
I wondered if there really was a God and if there was, why
was he letting this happen to me...

Is it my fault??

I hated you most of my life...and even now as a grown adult
that has tried to come to peace with my ghosts and demons,
part of my heart is still closed off and broken....

Is it my fault???

I have used every nasty, hurtful word I could think of as a
weapon against your evilness.....because I wanted to hurt
you as much as you hurt me, even though there was no way
that was possible......

Is it my fault???

I want so desperately to be completely healed and whole
again.....I have tried so hard to convince myself that I have to
try to forgive because I fear that might be the only way I can
fight those demons and not let them win....

But inside me is that little girl that wanted to be saved...
wanted to be loved...but never was....she wants you to
suffer...

Now that you are sick and afraid...is it wrong that part of me
is almost relieved?? I thought when this happened, I would
feel happy because I was finally going to get my revenge....

Instead I feel ...unsure...not happy...not sad...just unsure.....

As always, to be continued....................

BIG BROTHER THURSDAY

2008-03-06T21:58:00.003-05:00

Well Big Brother fans??? what the heck did ya think about last night's show???

I knew somehow that CBS was gonna work it that one of the evicted houseguests would get to come back in and play...

There has been a lot of chatter about the evicted houseguests being sequestered and not talking to the press...why else would they do this???

I was so glad that they decided to end this "pairs" shit...because all it was doing was screwing players because they had a partner that couldn't shut their stupid mouth...

I was also glad to see that they did it so Ryan was saved...I was yelling at the TV saying "don't even bother to vote Julie...anyone with a brain KNOWS that dipshit Allison is soooooo history so just send her mouthy ass the way to the door".....It showed how totally clueless she is when she chatted with Julie and was crying and acting all hurt and shocked...again, me yelling at the tv saying "OMG you MUST secretly blonde if ya didn't see that coming dingbat"...

I was hoping on my seat when Ryan won HOH and I think it was hilarious to see the look on Josh's face...I seriously hope Ryan goes after his psycho ass...dear dear Josh...can we say "anger management classes???" lmao.

Anyhooooooo...right after the show, I flew to CBS.com to vote ......I voted for Alex to come back (mostly because I think he is a hottie that could stir things up...lol). I will be looking forward to see who wins and comes back next Wednesday.

This BB blog is an awesome for clips from the live feeds...but be warned, they DO post spoilers if ya can't wait to find out who is up for nomination/who won POV, etc...

OMFG I just went there and looked ....and I can NOT fucking believe who Ryan nominated for eviction....

OK Ryan is a total MORON.........

As always, to be continued (next week).......

EASTER BUNNY NAME

2008-03-05T21:57:00.002-05:00

My brain is a big pile of mush today full of confusion...and hauntings from old ghosts....when I clear the cobwebs I will post about it....for now I found this and thought it was sorta cute.......

Your Easter Bunny Name is

Hoppy Hucklebunny

Get your Easter Bunny Name at Quizopolis.com

I think I like the name "Hoppy"...lmao

As always, to be continued...........

IS IT MARCH OR JANUARY???

2008-03-04T18:38:00.002-05:00

When do I get to say that enough is enough??? It is March for crying out loud and if you looked out my window, you would think it is January....

Now I know what some of you are thinking...that is just part of being a Canadian...blah blah blah....and yes, I do agree...to a point!! I have tried not to bitch about it too much but honestly I have reached the end of my patience...lol.

Yesterday (Monday) was a snow day...so no buses meant no school for the gremlins....they were heart broken but forced themselves to make the ultimate sacrifice and stay home with me...lol.

I was so happy to get rid of them this morning I practically threw them out the door......

A short time later I see that there is yet another nasty storm headed our way with a dump of snow and freezing rain. I am thinking okkkkkkk yeah like we need more of that...but okkkkk I am Canadian so I can tough it out...after all the end must be near...right????

Then.... gremlin #2 comes home and tells me that teacher says buses WILL be cancelled tomorrow so not only was there no homework, they spent the afternoon goofing around instead of working. I didn't realize that stupid teacher was a psychic...guess she forgot to tell us that....

Anyway, I am gritting my teeth and preparing to survive yet another blast from ol'man winter....

Am I the only one that finds it interesting that it is ol MAN winter????? lmaooooooooo...

As always, to be continued.......

SOS:AFTER THE M.F.H. ENDED PART 4

2008-03-02T20:20:00.003-05:00

Hi all, welcome to another SOS...for rules on how to play see brillig or kate.....for the beginning of this story, see part 1 part 2 and part 3....

When last we spoke, I had just entered the restaurant and gotten my first look at Sam...

As I stepped further into the room, Sam smiled and walked over to greet me.....and with that smile, all the nerves and sickness I had been experiencing just a few seconds before instantly vanished .I know this sounds mushy and extremely unlikely...but honestly, this is how I felt at that moment... I can still close my eyes and remember that exact second...how Sam looked as he walked over to me..how I felt like I was floating on air as he guided me to our table ...I felt almost like I was dreaming.

I had been so convinced that Sam would not show up...or would take one look at me and want to end our date early...that I hadn't allowed myself to get my hopes up. All day I had been so worried that we wouldn't have things in common...or that the conversation would not flow easily and things would be awkward between us...but infact, the opposite happened.

As we sat down and ordered some dinner, we began talking and time seemed to fly by. Our conversation was so easy...we talked about his family and mine...I told him about my gremlins...we talked about his interests and mine...we just didn't seem to run out of things to talk about. I even mentioned a bit about the marriage from hell. I had not planned on talking about it because I didn't think it was very good conversation material for a first day...but Sam was so very easy to talk to, it just seemed natural and honest to share some of my past with him.

We sat there for hours...although it certainly didn't seem like it to me. When we saw the time and realized the restaurant was getting ready to close, Sam and I decided it was time to leave but neither of us wanted the evening to end yet. I suggested that we go meet a few of my friends at a local bar they were headed to...and Sam agreed.

As we left the restaurant, Sam took my hand in his. This felt so good and so natural that I couldn't help but look up at him and smile. As we reached his car, Sam started to pull me towards him . As I looked into his eyes, I realized that Sam was going to kiss me....and as a reflex, I turned my face away and looked down at the ground. It wasn't that I didn't want him to kiss me.....but it had been a VERY long time...and I just wasn't ready. I felt like a total moron and for the first time since I had entered the restaurant, things were uncomfortable and awkward. I was so embarrassed....but I had panicked and now I didn't know what to say.

Luckily, Sam was a gentleman and didn't seem to be angry with me. He smiled , opened the door to the car and waited patiently for me to climb in. I wanted to shrivel up and hide at this point...I had NO idea how to explain. As I tried to find the words to explain, Sam just looked at me and smiled...then asked for directions to the bar where my friends were. I took a deep breathe and tried to calm down. I think Sam sensed that I was upset because he started the conversation ball rolling again by talking to me about the types of music I liked.....

Music is something that I could talk about for hours, so I was able to get distracted and things quickly got on track again.

We had a great time at the bar. My friends were there and seemed to take to Sam instantly. We stayed and danced for awhile. Sam wasn't exactly the greatest dancer when it came to the fast and funky music being played...but when the music slowed, it felt sooooooo great to be in his arms swaying back and forth with my eyes closed. I had forgotten how great it could feel to lose myself in the arms of a man....and I never wanted those slow songs to end.

The night flew by and eventually it was time for Sam to take me home. It was after 2am by this point and I knew Sam had the better part of an hour's drive ahead of him....but selfishly, I didn't want to let him go. It had been a magical evening for me and I hated to see it end.

When we got back to my place, I invited Sam to come in for a little bit to talk some more. The "little bit" ended up again turning into hours and by the time Sam said he had to leave it was almost 6am and the sun was coming up .

I walked Sam to the door and thanked him for a wonderful evening. I had such a good time and felt we had really gotten to know each other.

As we stood there, Sam once again took my hands in his...then slowly took me in his arms. This time, he hesitated so I smiled trying to let him know that everything was ok. Sam leaned in and gave me a soft kiss on my lips. I closed my eyes and just enjoyed the touch of his lips to mine. Sam knew I wasn't ready for more than that...and it made me so happy to know that he could respect me enough to not push for something I wasn't ready to give.

With one last kiss, Sam smiled , said he would call me later and headed out the door. As I stood there watching him drive away, I smiled too. As the sun filled the sky, I looked back over our first date with much excitement. I couldn't be sure of what the future would hold for Sam and I....but this night, had been a good first step. It had been a giant leap of faith for me...but I could feel the ice that was my heart beginning to melt a bit....

I hoped Sam would call like he had said he would...but I didn't allow myself to worry....I decided to just enjoy how I was feeling and wait to see what would happen next......luckily, I didn't have to wait too long.......

As always, to be continued (next Sunday)............